Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

@AtWitsEnd21 My second child cried all day everyday for about 2.5 years. I had deep regrets. Doctors could find nothing wrong. At about 3 he turned a corner. He is now 20, excelling at uni, does all his chores and hasn't given me a spot of bother since he was a toddler.
Don't abandon hope!

Absolutely. Hundreds times over. But we went through years of infertility ( although still trying to have a sibling - currently going into ivf round 6) and that honestly gave me a whole new perspective about life with a child. I appreciate so much more, my son is my world and I can never imagine life without children. But I had such a struggle to have him. Those who just have kids without thinking often don’t appreciate it.
I did always plan to have kids in my early thirties (and it worked out that way) so I made sure my twenties were travelling/ socialising / career/ getting a house so I don’t feel I have given up anything

No I wouldn't. I have a great OH and amazing family support but I've lost 'me'. to be fair, I'm in the thick of some quite turbulent teenage years so ask me again in a few years when they have (hopefully!) got past this stage and I may feel differently.

Me too. Mine are now adults and I have grandchildren. Life would be so poor without them.
You can only have so many holidays and buy stuff before it loses its shine. I can never have enough of my children

I’ve loved being a parent. My daughter is amazing (she is 8) I am trying for another baby but so far hasn’t happened (in fact currently having a MMC).

But I think a key thing for me is I have remained working full time in a job that pays well but isn’t too demanding. I have a supportive DH. Am close to my parents who live near and help. We have a lovely home, are ruthless about de-cluttering and make space for each other to have hobbies and a life and sleep.

Parenting alone is tough, you need people to share the load I think to not burn out and lose yourself.

100%. I would do it over and over. DS is just the light of my life. I am fortunate in that I have one very easy to parent child and am in a financial position where I can pick and choose what work I want to do and can work very part time and thus have plenty of time for myself now that DS is at school. I also have a DH who is an excellent hands on father.

Being a parent has enhanced my life in so many ways.

I have four children and there have been moments!!
However, looking at it dispassionately, somehow we have managed to raise four well adjusted young people, who are also nice. They have all done stuff which drives me crazy, but they ( and we) have come out the other end relatively unscathed!!
At Christmas we were having a discussion and our eldest son said that one of his proudest moments was seeing me pick up my second degree in my early 60's. I was amazed that despite all his own achievements mine were important to him as well. We are also very fortunate in their choice of partners, as we love them all.
I do, however, worry about them all daily and will do so forever. That has taken a toll. The world is scary place and full of uncertainty.
On balance, I don't wish them away, but my life would have been easier without the worry, but they have enriched it in so many ways that selfishly, I wouldn't make a different choice.

All day long, my three kids are amazing. I wouldn't swap my life with them for anything in the world.

Yes, they are the absolute loves of my life and I loved every stage of raising them (they are young adults now).

100% would have DC, more in fact but started late

It feels like a ridiculous exaggeration but it really has been the greatest joy of my life to have my kids.

That is not to say it is easy - one with ADHD and off the scale anxiety does not make it an easy life - but I would absolutely do it all again.

Parenting alone is tough, you need people to share the load I think to not burn out and lose yourself.

And also it helps to have people to share the joy with. There are many joyful moments, but they are also quite private moments. The only people who will really find the amazing and funny things your kids do interesting are you and the other parent and very close family and friends. Your friends generally are unlikely to be interested.

I think if you regret having kids it’s shitty to make videos about it and put them online, what if the children see that one day?

I don’t regret having the DDs but had them quite young and haven’t really ever been a child free adult. Maybe if I’d had to give up travel and freedom etc I’d feel differently. That said DD2 is going through a really rough time at the moment and I’m trying to help her through it, it is so lonely and I wish I’d picked a different Dad for her so we could have dealt with it all together.

That's so true!

I think I'd have just had one.

I have no regrets at all but it wasn't easy. 2 marriages, one child from each so 8 year gap, one that never slept, hard times financially when they were young but they have always been my joy. Now 7 grandchildren and awaiting first great grandchild.

Yes 100% and unless I was able to entirely change myself too I’d still have them as young as I did. They made me sort my life out to do well by them.

they’re young adults now and doing so well in life. They’re great company and I have loved raising them. They didn’t age me because I was so young when I had them. I’m 40 this year and building my career and doing more things for me, but they’re by my side while I do it. So many people hate on having kids young, but for me it was the right thing to do.

Haha and so many people talk about the "4th trimester" - no one thinks about in 15 years. I've known a few mums who've gone through hell but love their 20 something kids.

If you're finding it difficult it's evidence of caring ❤️

Yes I would and I'd stick with one again. I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything and parenting dd has never felt like a burden. Aside from the odd blip it's been very fun and nothing compares to her cuddles and just hanging out with her. I have a good career, good social life, good marriage, good sleep and a quiet, tidy house.

I had my dd at 27, she's a teen now and aside from being a bit of a taxi service (and bank) I have lots of free time.

When they were very little and it was stressful I'd have said no.

Mine are now young adults and I would definitely do it all again. I love them so much and I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

I wish I'd had kids younger, though I didn't meet DH til later so it wouldn't have been possible.

I led a wild and interesting life in my twenties and had my DC early thirties.

I have never regretted it, not for a second. Even when DD was The Worst Thirteen Year Old Ever Created.

They are now young adults and they are the best of me. A life without them is unthinkable. I probably would have gone completely off the rails.

Not implying that everyone who says they wouldn’t do it again is like this but I feel that a lot of these statements are bollocks. People think of how nice it would be to drop the tiredness, the anxiety, the responsibility etc etc but they don’t always think of what comes with not having children. Statistically only a small proportion of people without children are by choice, the vast majority are childless not by choice. Which comes sadly with grief, social exclusion and fear of aging alone among other things. A lot of it applies to child free people too - they also have unique struggles. It’s very easy to make a hypothetical choice when you cant see the other side of it.

Parenting my (sleep fighting) toddler daughter is bloody hard, I almost constantly crave more me/down time, I’ve lost ambitions and hobbies but I wouldn’t change it for the world. When I was faced with a very real possibility of not having a child with recurrent miscarriage, it was infinitely harder on me.

Well my statement isn’t bollocks. My kids are all grown up so I’m not battling with lack of sleep and many of my friends all say the same thing. It’s a huge sacrifice.

This does not mean that I don’t love my children nor am I not grateful for them, and I think they’re all wonderful people.

It’s complicated.

Yes, absolutely. They are my favourite people in the whole world (I have three teens now). But if I could, I would do it differently. I don't know how, because like everyone I played the cards I was dealt in the best way I could. But a closer family, more support, stronger networks - that would have made things easier when they were younger and more rewarding for all of us now they are older.
In terms of career, I look like I managed all of it but my career has stalled at a level below the one I was on track for, before the kids. I had them quite late (mid 30s to early 40s), so delaying more isn't a change I'd look for, but if I could do-over, I do wonder how I could make it better for all of us.

Thank you, really needed to hear this!!