Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

I love my children with all my heart but I wish it was easier. I know, according to Mumsnet, I am not entitled to any support but we literally have nothing. We can go for weeks without hearing from anyone (we often message first!). When we recently had a bad run of sickness bugs and migraines where we were all affected we still didn't get so much as some sympathy and it was really really hard.
But I know I am very lucky to have two amazing kids and I wouldn't change that at all.

Been tough but aren't the worthwhile things always? He's 3.5 and amazing, by far the best thing to have happened in my life. Hardly sleeps and still hasn't quite stopped breastfeeding which is why there hasn't been another so far, it's been so intense. As older parents were debating whether to do it all again...

I would. I was mid-30s and drifting through life switching jobs a lot and it felt like my friends and family had disappeared into their own lives. Having kids is frustrating and tough but they've given me much more sense of purpose in life.

My DH and I don't have family help but we're doing it together and okay financially and the kids at 4y and 2y are easy compared to many (healthy and very sweet, smart and capable) so I'm aware we've been dealt a pretty good hand.

Yeah, DD just turned 4 yo today, got a near 4 mo DS and it is EXHAUSTING! I'm more tired than my DD at 7pm than she is! I've heard it does get easier, but I'm dreading having to go through the 'terrible two's' AGAIN with DS having just getting through the worst of it now with DD, especially since DS is starting to turn into a 'Velcro baby', but does sleep through the night at lest.....

As much as my DH and I wanted 2 children, I have often wondered whether I can cope with 2 children under 5 on my own, (DH works 12 hour shifts in care, as will I when I go back to work after maternity leave).

I love my children, I would never go as far as saying I 'regret' having them, or wonder whether having them is a mistake, but I have come to realise that I underestimated just how mentally exhausting as well physically it can be, I don't think I was prepared for the 'constantness' of it. There's no instruction manual and NOTHING prepares you, no matter how many books you read, how many workshops you attend, or classes you take part in.

Others without children have absolutely NO IDEA how hard it is and how much of a struggle it can be, it is meant to be worth it in the end though.

Just wish we had more help. (My family lives 50 plus miles away, my in laws are willing, but have their limitations, FIL is 70, overweight, using a stick and uncomfortable around new babies, SIL has the 'ick' about poo and will probably help out more when DC are both older, but that's not when I need the help, it's now with the fiddley things, particularly with having mild cerebral palsy).

Think it's a just case of trial and error, perseverance, patience and hope for the best, but I definitely do empathise with what you're saying OP, no judgements here.

I love my children - I have to make this clear- I have 6 child aging from 21 to 8 but if I could do it over again I don't know if I would- I don't think I'm a very good mother despite how much I love them. I don't have a very good relationship with my parents - I don't have any relationship with my brother I just feel utterly useless
My children are my world I just think I'm shit to be honest- me and my youngest daughter argue all the the time - I love her but she and I just don't get on and I'm the adult it's always going to be down to me - but hearing your child say they hate you is painful- so yes if I could start over I probably would think twice x
I know - I'm a horrible human being

Yes. I do sometimes mourn the life I imagine I could have had without them, but I've never felt love like it - in both directions - and it's worth it just for that. They are absolutely the joy of my life and being their mum has made me a much better person than I ever was before.

Having said that, on my darker days I'm terrified for their future and worry that we did the wrong thing bringing them into this fucking awful world. But I'm sure generations of parents before us have thought that too.

Edited to add: didn't mean to quote the post boce but can't remove it!

With hindsight I’d have had another one to be honest. But I only say this now as all three are between 6 and 12 years old so we are in the golden ages. It’s life as I expected family life would be.

you are really in survival mode when they are small. I was absolutely on the last thread of my sanity at one point when my husband was often working abroad.

I might change my mind again when I have 3 teens.

I have to say that I didn’t think my life would ever revolve around housework and cooking dinners. Like my mother raised me to have a career and I do but I also have to do all this other stuff that honestly nobody prepared me for. If someone took that all away - the actual children themselves are lovely.

I had my first child at 28 and my second at 31 it was good timing for me. We were in a comfortable position our own home savings etc. Looking back it was a special time and I wouldn't be without them. My youngest is now 30 and expecting a baby in the summer. However old they are you can't stop worrying. They both have first class degrees from red brick universities and are both professionals. Even though I feel blessed if it was in today's climate I would seriously question whether I would have children the world is so unstable and worrying.

Interesting read when so many are in favour of going NC these days.

I would if I would get the same kids again, otherwise probably not.

I feel exactly the same.

Some people don't choose not to have children, so they can holiday more though.
The more family and grandchildren, the more worry there is.

No but I'm a lone parent and I hate it. If I knew I was going to be doing this alone then nope absolutely not. I often wish I could go back in time and not have children

Our two sons are now adults - both lovely men.
I have PCOS and at one point was told it would be highly unlikely that I would ever have children. It took us a long time to conceive our eldest, I had to have some hormone treatment, then our younger son arrived, naturally, two years and two months later.
My first labour was dreadful and traumatic with lots of intervention over 4 days. My second labour was fast and furious but I needed an operation to repair damage caused by the birth.
I regret nothing and I am so grateful for our lovely sons.

I don’t regret them. And I had one in my early 20s and the second a decade later in my 30s. However I think that a huge part of the way I feel is down to the fact that I did not put my life on hold for them. My current baby is 1, eldest a teen. I go to places, meet up with friends, have somewhat of a social life and I bring them along - I think in doing that I have been fortunate to have children that can fit around areas of my life.

I agree with a PP that if it feels like your children have taken from your life and/or identity - that must be hard.

Im not surprised that many regret having children as I truly don’t believe that raising children is for the faint hearted - it’s a long game that you have to commit to.

I do wish I had more money though…

I’m really resting all the replies with interest, I just want to say again I don’t regret having my DC at all. I love them in a way that is indescribable, I just miss aspects of my life before them and have been so terrible sleep deprived and worn down by a very high needs baby/toddler that it’s hard not to think about what life was like before them, perhaps as some have suggested I’m in the trenches at the moment and as things hopefully get a bit easier I will be less inclined to long for those days.

Absolutely yes! I had three children - now adult even dare I say it middle-aged - as the oldest is 41. Despite the stress, financial squeeze, and just the many ups and downs of parenthood I loved having children. I enjoyed pretty much every stage. They have all grown up to be decent human beings for which I take some credit, although the genetic material was good to start with! We have two grandchildren now. I have the pleasure since my daughter and son-in-law live with us at the moment of seeing my daughter being a great mum (better than me) and also revisiting the pleasure of seeing children grow and and develop. I also believe that the experience of being a parent has helped me to grow and mature in ways that might not have happened otherwise.

I would definitely do it again. You lose some things from your life for a while but the losses are balanced out by what you gain. For me, life would be an empty thing without children.

I'm interested in the views of those who have had teenagers!

Those with little ones MAY be in for a bit of a reality check when their kids hit teenage years!

Okay, I have a 17, 15 and 11 year old and I think that are amazing and the best thing in life, I wouldn't change a thing.

Mine are 18 and 15, so far the teenage years have been the best yet.

Not a chance in hell

Mine are young adults. One of them was very difficult in the teen years but has come around now.One was fine. Luck of the draw, I guess.

Re the state of the world, yes, it's terrible and I worry. But coming from a S Asian culture my children's lives are way better than my mum's was. That said, I am not particularly keen on GC because other things in the world have changed rapidly in the last few years.

Mine are teens and are great company.
I think they'll be brilliant adults and hopefully, contribute really positively to society.