Children- would you do it again?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I was scrolling the other day and came across a viral video of a mother saying her dream was to be a mother but it hasn’t been what she thought it would be and wished she had dreamed bigger. Many of the comments were from mothers saying if they had the choice again, they would remain childless.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. Having children has meant extreme sacrifice- stress, sleep, money, interests, an always clean and tidy house, nights out and away, my appearance has suffered because I’m so sleep deprived I look about 10 years older. I love my children more than anything but it has been so hard.

Just interested in what other people’s feelings are

Unsure how to vote, so...

I absolutely would. My new 16yr old daughter is an amazing human being and as I told her recently, I am happy I was chosen as her mom.

We have been through homelessness, terrible anxiety, negativity and a period of teenage angst; but I'd still choose life with her again 😊.

I'm also happy I didn't have another, as that would have negatively impacted what I can do for / with her.

Statistically only a small proportion of people without children are by choice, the vast majority are childless not by choice. Which comes sadly with grief, social exclusion and fear of aging alone among other things. A lot of it applies to child free people too - they also have unique struggles. It’s very easy to make a hypothetical choice when you cant see the other side of it.

I’m childless not by choice through infertility. I can quite honestly say that it’s not as unimaginably awful as many people with kids seem to think. Of course I went through a grieving period and it was very hard, but I got through it and started to see the positives rather than the negatives. There really is a lot more to life than having children. I was able to retire at 58 and DH and I have travelled the world in the past few years and not stopping yet! There really is a lot more to life than having children.

NRTFT but overwhelmingly reassured by people’s sentiments. I found out a couple of weeks ago that I’m pregnant with our first (totally unplanned thanks to an ill-advised bit of fun while awaiting an appointment to replace my IUD).

Our biggest worries right now are ‘will we regret it’ and ‘what if neither of us care about the child when they’re born’?

A lot of that is rooted in knowing what we’re losing (sleep, money, freedom to leave the house instantly in a whim, less stress and anxiety, probably no mosh pits for at least a few years 😂) but no clue of what we’re going to gain. We both love kids but haven’t ever yearned for our own.

This has made me feel a bit better!

Yes I would do it again and hope to do it all again in a couple of years (DC 2 years old)

But it is an incredible sacrifice and although you get parts of your life back I still haven’t felt like me in a long time. We had a bit of a rough journey to getting pregnant including losing twins then I got pregnant with DC and I’d say the last 3 years I’ve lost me.

But if I went back in time and was able to decide to have children again I’d absolutely still go for it. It’s hard work sometimes and I’m still getting help for post natal anxiety issues but it’s worth it.

I've never once regretted the decision to have kids.

However, I travelled and established a career and bought a house all before kids, which likely has a lot to do with it.

My children are literally the light of my life, though they're all consuming and hard work.

I don't have many regrets, but not having more DC is one of them.

If I read this a few years back the answer would be Yes but the teenage years have come full force and it's awful.
I love my kids to bits but my DS has just turned 15 and he's quite challenging at the moment and started mixing with he wrong kids so me and DH have had to step in with ground rules and told him to avoid those types of 'friends'.
The only thing that I wasnt aware of before I became a mum was the amount of worry that comes..its everyday and most likely forever so all we can do is tighten our seat belts and enjoy the ride

My kids are young adults.

One is going through a phase of telling me all the ways I parented wrong which honestly is very wearing.

No. I am utterly burnt out dealing with ND Dd. Years and years of trying to cope. I feel broken, but you have to keep it buried. I never expected this. I don't know if it will ever end. I turned to comfort eating to feel a bit better - I am now obese, used to be fit and skinny. No time to be me at all. Maybe if I didn't have to juggle working and her. Every morning begins with dread. (Usually after a broken nights sleep) The man I married, calm, loving - has utterly checked out.

This is a very difficult phase indeed. The worst bit of parenting for me. It does get better 💐

I don't think I would. And all I wanted was to be a mother.

I watch my children struggle and the world they grow up in feels hard and unhappy. I worry constantly about them.

I feel very blamed for how they feel. There seems to be a 'well maybe they are ND, haven't you done this or can't you help them with that or why haven't you/didnt you' I shouldn't expect my eldest to work because maybe she can't handle that. But then maybe I can't handle working to support me and her but that seems irrelevant.

My daughter is the absolute best thing in my life so yes, I would.

But it is like living with a loaded gun to your head for the rest of your life. I would rather undergo any suffering, however unendurable, 1000 times over than have her suffer it. But of course we cannot protect our children from harm while at the same time giving them the freedom that makes life worth living.

In brief, loving someone so much makes you vulnerable. I'd still do it again, though.

I’m so sorry 💐

I have every sympathy as I have one adult dd with ASD. It nearly broke me and I was only working pt and my dh was reasonably supportive. I got very depressed and put on weight. Things are much, much better now but it’s all left its mark and I still feel down and stuck. It’s like she has moved on in so many ways and I am in the same place!

I hope things improve for you. Can you get some therapeutic support for yourself RiceBubbless?

Or at least go on holiday alone for a few days?

There are many things I would do differently in my life, but having children is the one thing I wouldn't change. If

I would probably wait a bit longer (I was only 26 when my twins were born - practically a baby myself! ) but even thinking about that makes me a bit teary, as the children I have now wouldn't be the children I would have then, if that makes any sort of sense.

That looks ridiculous reading it back.

I 100% sympathise with this. It's how I feel too.

I know my kids both want children of there own, too, and I kind of wish I could beg them not to.

(although if I'm honest I probably would do it again because it's been an amazing adventure. But I do worry that they will have much worse stress and worry than I did/do. I feel awful that I am due to predecease them and leave them in this shitshow of a world. Yeah, morbid I know)

Absolutely not.

I didn't really want children when I was young. But I'm so glad I did. They're great and I feel really lucky to have them so yes I would.

I have tried to hint very strongly to my DCs that they are under no obligation or expectation to provide me with grandchildren!

I have always wanted to be a mum so whilst it was scary at first when I found out I was pregnant I believe it was meant to be and I wouldn’t change any of it!! He is almost 3 and a half now and I love him more than anything in the whole world!!

I don’t really understand what people mean by missing out on life when they have children as since becoming a mother I have done so many things that I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t have had a child!! I suppose this does depend on what kinds of things you enjoy though 🤔

I hope to have another child when he 6 or 7 as that way I will be able to do all of the baby classes and things again and be able to give a lot of time to them that would be impossible to do with two little kids close in age!!

I seem to think differently to a lot of people on here though as I think the little kid stage is amazing and would definitely stay here forever if I could 😂 I think it will definitely be harder for me as he gets older and doesn’t want to do kid things as that’s the bit I am good at and I’m not sure what I will do with a teenager one day 🙈🙈

This is lovely. Although as someone with a couple of friends with kids with bigger age gaps - finding things that the whole family will enjoy when you have a seven and a fourteen year old can be a massive headache and it’s so much easier when they’re close together in age!

oops - edited typo

How would you have tried to mentally prepare yourself? I'm currently trying for a baby but also trying to prepare for when that time comes and my world changes. I know it'll be extremely hard and honestly I don't have lots of mental strength (yet), so is there anything you could suggest? ☺️

I wouldn't do motherhood again but I would be happy to have my 3 amazing children exist devoid of my motherhood. Which is impossible I guess and I don't even know if that makes sense. I am grateful my children exist as beings. They are amazing. But it would be great if they existed without me having to do all the work. Like I could be their aunty. And I feel guilty just saying that. Tbh the lack of sleep, body changes and chronic anxiety about their safety has almost done me in.

When I refer to missing out. I have a hobby- painting. I can no longer do this as it’s just impractical, I can expect a three and one year old to not touch anything should I take out materials. It’s usually about 9pm by the time I have the house cleaned after DC go to bed. I go to bed within the hour to try get some sleep before they inevitably wake multiple times during the night. So yes I do feel a bit like I’m missing out on part of myself. I give parenting my absolute all, my children have lots of art, baking, sensory play all of which I enjoy immensely. I just miss doing things that make me a person independent of being a mother.

I would have my daughter, but I’d have never married her Dad. That was biggest mistake in life.