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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a four year old downstairs alone for about an hour?

293 replies

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:04

We have recently changed bedtime routine. DS is 4 and has eczema and it’s been recommended we limit baths. I also have a toddler and for both of them since birth pretty much the routine has been bath, teeth, books and bed. Because DS isn’t now joining in the bath routine he’s watching TV downstairs on his own. I feel awful and I asked him last night if he’d like to watch my iPad upstairs instead but he said no … Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:23

Well, I do have to work in the evenings but no way could I do that with those two up and about! That’s definitely for after 730!

OP posts:
TinyGingerCat · 20/02/2025 08:24

Unless you live in a mansion full of hazards and your 4y.o. is in the west wing whilst you are bathing the baby in the east wing it's fine. Mine at that age would be up and down the stairs to see what was going on. Are you more concerned about the 4y.o. interrupting you trying to get the toddler to sleep? If the toddler is difficult for you to get down and you are managing them both on your own is that more the problem than the 4y.o. watching t.v in another part of the house?

Zonder · 20/02/2025 08:24

I feel sorry for him being left to watch TV on his own while you and the toddler have time together. He may want that but it's not the best for him. Why doesn't he join you for the rest of the routine?

DonningMyHardHat · 20/02/2025 08:26

Our eldest (who is autistic) has been doing this since he was 3 or so. To be fair once you plug him into a screen he’s usually fairly contained. Otherwise he might sit and draw or make something. Sometimes we get the nights where he shouts upstairs a hundred times and it’s disruptive to DDs bedtime but when one of us is solo parenting it’s a needs must situation.

Icecreamfactory · 20/02/2025 08:26

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:18

To be fair you didn’t

Show quote history

Didn’t what?
This is what I was referring to to the second poster asking if I’d read the OP: I’d already replied again with a suggestion minus the bath so there was no need for them to ask again.

Icecreamfactory · Today 07:36

I would either only keep him downstairs for the 15 mins or so you’re bathing toddler if you don’t want him upstairs with you then bring him up, or just do what you used to do (minus the bath) so he’s upstairs with you pottering in his room/reading/books/listening to his Tonies/chatting with you?

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 08:26

Zonder · 20/02/2025 08:24

I feel sorry for him being left to watch TV on his own while you and the toddler have time together. He may want that but it's not the best for him. Why doesn't he join you for the rest of the routine?

He has time together after the toddler is in bed though?

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:27

The eczema point- there is conflicting advice on this.
Some drs would suggest bathing every day and slathering afterwards with emollient cream.
Has your child been seen by a dermatologist rather than a GP?

What are you worried about with the 4 year old?
Can they access the kitchen or anywhere dangerous?
Is there anything they can harm themselves with downstairs?

My way would be to make them stay in their bedroom- next to the bathroom?- and allow them to play/read.

An hour is along time for them to be alone downstairs.
Not sure why bath and bed takes an hour to be honest. Surely you can do it in half that time?

Your older child could watch from the bathroom door, landing, and even join in the story time you give the younger child.

DonningMyHardHat · 20/02/2025 08:29

Zonder · 20/02/2025 08:24

I feel sorry for him being left to watch TV on his own while you and the toddler have time together. He may want that but it's not the best for him. Why doesn't he join you for the rest of the routine?

Really? And I suppose you don’t enjoy an hour to unwind on your own at the end of the day?

Realistically, by about 5pm young siblings who are fairly close in age are going to start getting on each others nerves. My eldest does not want to sit and listen to The Faraway Tree. He’d distract his sister, they’d piss around, and probably end up fighting. He’d rather watch TV and then have a cuddle of his own.

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:32

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:34

Well, it does seem a lot worse after he’s had a bath @polinkhausive . And that’s the advice we’ve been given.

Is this from a dermatologist though?

You've avoided the question from a previous poster on this.

Do you not have shower? If you did both your children could shower at the same time.

How old is the toddler? Presumably quite young if they're still in a cot and nappies.

I also think you need to put your foot down over the bad behaviour if you're trying to read to them together. Your 4 year old shouldn't be misbehaving and turning the pages etc- tell him off!

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:33

Really? And I suppose you don’t enjoy an hour to unwind on your own at the end of the day?

You've got to laugh 😂

a 4 year old needing to unwind after a day by being sat in front of the TV for an hour.

pearbottomjeans · 20/02/2025 08:33

Oh I put YANBU because you're not unreasonable to leave him downstairs, but maybe I should have put YABU for worrying. Don't rely on your poll results OP!

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:35

Are you a single parent and if not is your partner not home in time to help?

Completelyjo · 20/02/2025 08:35

Why does it take an hour to bath and put the younger one to bed?
An hour is a huge amount of time to leave a 4 year old unattended. Why can’t you keep going up and down?

I’m not someone who thinks a 4 year old needs to constantly be in the same room as you but just buggering off for an hour is extreme.

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:36

I’ve avoided the question because I’m following medical advice @KirstyandPhilme . I am not wanting to be rude but there’s no way I’m being led by random MNetters as opposed to a medical professional who has seen his skin.

And why is it worthy of mocking that he has an hour to unwind at the end of the day? It’s the being alone I worry about not what he’s doing in that time.

OP posts:
KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:36

Completelyjo · 20/02/2025 08:35

Why does it take an hour to bath and put the younger one to bed?
An hour is a huge amount of time to leave a 4 year old unattended. Why can’t you keep going up and down?

I’m not someone who thinks a 4 year old needs to constantly be in the same room as you but just buggering off for an hour is extreme.

The 4 year should be in his room upstairs .. Or sitting on the landing with his books or toys (and a stairgate locked if needed.)

I can't see the issue.

Why can't he be upstairs as well?

I had the same age gap with mine, managed bedtimes single handed as DH was never home till after 7.

My older child would play in their room, right next to the bathroom.

3luckystars · 20/02/2025 08:37

A bath every night is really excessive. I don’t know why it’s so popular here, as part of the routine like brushing teeth, it’s unnecessary and a waste of time and water.

yes he is fine in another room without you. (Unless he is the one in the bath, then never leave the room obviously)

polinkhausive · 20/02/2025 08:38

The eczema point- there is conflicting advice on this

There kind of isn't any more - if you look at what the eczema charities and associations say, what any dermatology clinic will say, even the NHS site doesn't recommend reducing bathing

I am not saying that there isn't anyone in the world who would benefit from reduced bathing, there are always anomalies, but if this advice has come from a GP, and not a specialist who has gone through the evidence based treatment options and those haven't worked, I really wouldn't trust it.

I am not trying to be a knob by saying this, OP, I just know how miserable eczema is and how little your average GP knows about it. We went through so many GPs before giving up and paying to see a dermatologist who told us this

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:39

@polinkhausive By conflicting I mean that the OP has been given advice that conflicts with current practise- probably a GP lost in the past.

Graniteisaverygoodsurface · 20/02/2025 08:39

DorothyStorm · 20/02/2025 07:10

I disagree with pp. an hour is a very ling time. Why is it an hour? The toddler doesn't need an hour long bath. You cannot igniore a small child for an hour.

It’s not ignoring them, though, because they can come up and find you if they need to?

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:40

@KirstyandPhilme he can be upstairs. No one has banished him. But when offered he said he wanted to be downstairs.

My question was about whether I should insist or not. I’d prefer to avoid conflicts in the hour or so running up to bedtime; obviously if someone wants something patently off limits or if they are being dangerous or whatever that’s different but I don’t tend to say no to reasonable requests at that time.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/02/2025 08:40

I'm sure he's absolutely fine on his own but personally, I'd say he needs to be upstairs with you. Either helping bath his sister, playing with his toys, reading, or watching the iPad. Then when little one is out of the bath, he joins back in with the bedtime routine.
He gets to do what he fancies for 15 minutes or so during bath time and you have peace of mind that he's not feeling alone.
That's what I would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

OverTheRaincloud · 20/02/2025 08:40

Why not just bathe the toddler every other night too?

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:41

@polinkhausive I know you’re not trying to be a nob but intended or otherwise it’s coming over as lecturing - the thread isn’t about eczema.

OP posts:
OverTheRaincloud · 20/02/2025 08:41

3luckystars · 20/02/2025 08:37

A bath every night is really excessive. I don’t know why it’s so popular here, as part of the routine like brushing teeth, it’s unnecessary and a waste of time and water.

yes he is fine in another room without you. (Unless he is the one in the bath, then never leave the room obviously)

Yes this

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:42

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:40

@KirstyandPhilme he can be upstairs. No one has banished him. But when offered he said he wanted to be downstairs.

My question was about whether I should insist or not. I’d prefer to avoid conflicts in the hour or so running up to bedtime; obviously if someone wants something patently off limits or if they are being dangerous or whatever that’s different but I don’t tend to say no to reasonable requests at that time.

I think quite honestly that you as a parent don't offer a 4 year old a choice where you are uneasy about the outcome.

You make the decision.

He's being given far too much autonomy for his age.

Start parenting!
It's ridiculous that you have come to ask advice on a decision made by a 4 year old that is worrying you.

You've never said until now that this was HIS choice.

I dread to think how you will cope when he's 14 if you give way to his wants now.

And please read the updates about not bathing daily- your consultant may have told you differently, but if it's your GP they are wrong.