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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a four year old downstairs alone for about an hour?

293 replies

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:04

We have recently changed bedtime routine. DS is 4 and has eczema and it’s been recommended we limit baths. I also have a toddler and for both of them since birth pretty much the routine has been bath, teeth, books and bed. Because DS isn’t now joining in the bath routine he’s watching TV downstairs on his own. I feel awful and I asked him last night if he’d like to watch my iPad upstairs instead but he said no … Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
nepobaby · 20/02/2025 08:59

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:10

Thanks. It just feels like a long time and it’s dark and we’re remote so I was feeling really guilty.

Dd having a bath, getting out of the bath, nappy and pyjamas, teeth, reading books, into sleeping bag and into cot takes around an hour.

You're really dragging this out. You've even mentioned 'getting out of the bath' which takes about 10 seconds.

4yo can chill downstairs for the bath time then come
Up and join for teeth, book and bed? Surely it'll take longer to do it for the younger one and then all over again minus the bath for 4yo?

This all seems so unnecessary.

HotCrossBunplease · 20/02/2025 08:59

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 08:56

I did want to say we don’t habitually leave boiling water or medicine round the kids but I was worried that would sound sniffy!

Show quote history

I think that poster wishes she had had a career in 1970s public service broadcasting. Maybe she asked Chat GPT to write in that style?

nepobaby · 20/02/2025 09:00

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:20

@Moonnstars he has his own books. When I read to both of them it’s a nightmare with them squabbling over who gets to lift flaps (dds preferred books) or turn pages or sit on my lap. So much easier to do one at a time. This will obviously change but right now it’s not really enjoyable for anyone if we all read together.

Then put them both in bed and sit away from them reading a book? Alternate nights with who takes turns to choose?

So much unnecessary drama over bed time! I agree with PP, social media has made mums unhinged. And I say mums, as I don't see dads up in arms about this kind of thing.

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 09:01

I think you’re the one being dramatic @nepobaby . I’m asking a question, that’s all.

OP posts:
littlestrawberryhat · 20/02/2025 09:02

If my four year old would happily entertain himself for an hour I’d be leaving him to his own devices all the time for some peace, baby routine or not!! It’s not harmful or neglectful! If anything great they feel safe and confident to play alone in their home.

TeaRoseTallulah · 20/02/2025 09:03

Goodenoughisgoodenough · 20/02/2025 07:57

Why does it have to be screen time for an hour? Leave him to play. He's only 4. Neither of my kids had any unsupervised screen time till they were about 11 or 12. (They're now 14 and 19 and now screen users of course, but b they thank me for screen free early years(Don't get into the habit of it. Left without a screen they learn to play by themselves. Keep themselves amused, explore their imagination. You could put on an audio book?

I agree with this,he can play in his room.

Margorett · 20/02/2025 09:04

Lot of irresponsible people on here ! 1hr alone downstairs for a 4yr old is a long time, with access to electrical equipment, kettles, microwaves, etc, and lots of sharp object. They are so curious at that age and impulsive.

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 09:04

polinkhausive · 20/02/2025 07:33

Who has given you this advice on the eczema?

The limiting baths thing is quite old fashioned advice though many GPs are not up to date on eczema

Both me and my son see a consultant dermatologist and the advice from her is very strongly in favour of daily baths - but not too hot and lots of moisturiser straight afterwards to seal in the water

Opposite to the advice we were given.

nepobaby · 20/02/2025 09:05

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 09:01

I think you’re the one being dramatic @nepobaby . I’m asking a question, that’s all.

What have I said that's dramatic please?

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 09:05

Margorett · 20/02/2025 09:04

Lot of irresponsible people on here ! 1hr alone downstairs for a 4yr old is a long time, with access to electrical equipment, kettles, microwaves, etc, and lots of sharp object. They are so curious at that age and impulsive.

He isn’t confined to downstairs. He can come up whenever he wants. It’s completely fine.

Caspianberg · 20/02/2025 09:06

With a 4 and 2 year old at home, I’m sure op knows to secure bookshelves to walls and not leave medicine around

I don’t watch my 4 year old 24/7. If I’m home alone with him for example when dh is away, I obviously shower or take a bath also and he just happily watches tv, plays with toys. He usually wanders in to say something or I will call out if he’s quiet too long to check. But he’s fine. He and I’m sure most 4 year olds wouldn’t just randomly start lobbing balls at a tv or climbing the kitchen sides for no reason.

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/02/2025 09:07

I'd limit this to 20 minutes for a quick bath and into pyjamas. Your son then coming upstairs at this point to start getting ready whilst you start a story with your youngest.

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 09:08

NerrSnerr · 20/02/2025 08:49

@KirstyandPhilme why do you think you know more about the OP's child's eczema than her doctor and the OP? She has said that daily bathing makes it worse.

The OP wasn't about how often she bathes her children, just what to do while she is bathing her other child.

I and other posters have asked the OP if this advice was from her GP and she's not replied.

Another poster said quite firmly that advice on skin from GPs is often wrong.

She's also been rude by suggesting the OP who challenged her, and referred to medical advice on this, is a 'knob' and is 'lecturing' her.

And the not bathing together is the foundation of her dilemma.

Maybe you didn't read that part.

Before she was told not to bath him daily, they bathed together.

katepilar · 20/02/2025 09:13

If he is happy, hasnt got a form for doing mischief and you can hear him if given a shout, I think its fine.

Wish people on here wouldnt react "are you serious". Obviously if you didnt have doubts, you wouldnt ask.

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 09:13

I specifically recognised she wasn’t being a nob. However, I’m not getting into a full history here if that’s OK; it isn’t what the threads about and it also will invariably lead to ‘have you tried have you tried have you tried’ which may be meant supportively but is a conversation I’d rather have in RL with someone who has qualifications.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 20/02/2025 09:13

@KirstyandPhilme maybe it was you who didn't read properly. The other poster told the OP that they were trying not to be a knob and the OP replied 'I know you're not trying to be a nob but you're coming across as lecturing' which is true.

The reason the OP hasn't shared more about her child's eczema is because the OP didn't ask for advice about that, she is happy with her bathing routine. She doesn't need to change this because you think differently.

Headingforholidays · 20/02/2025 09:14

KirstyandPhilme · 20/02/2025 08:36

The 4 year should be in his room upstairs .. Or sitting on the landing with his books or toys (and a stairgate locked if needed.)

I can't see the issue.

Why can't he be upstairs as well?

I had the same age gap with mine, managed bedtimes single handed as DH was never home till after 7.

My older child would play in their room, right next to the bathroom.

Edited
Show quote history

Why on earth would a 4 year old need a stairgate???

MellowCritic · 20/02/2025 09:15

FfsNotNow · 20/02/2025 07:09

My 4 year old quite often takes herself off to play independently. It's fine. But why does bath take an hour?

Why does it take an hour? Probably because that's how long it takes from start to finish, it probably isn't even an hour , ops probably just giving a rough time, maybe op doesn't rush, who the hell cares as to why it takes an hour thou????

CautiousLurker01 · 20/02/2025 09:16

Not sure I understand why you are setting up the routine this way - I have a 3yr age gap with mine. Bath time was done together even when youngest was 18m old - you just leave 4yo in the bath with bath toys for older kids while you are dressing/drying/tooth brushing younger one (staying in the same room on a mat/table beside the bath). Then you pop younger one in his cot while you get older one out. You then send older one to watch a bit of bed time telly (in the night garden etc) to wind down while you focus for 15mins on the younger one. Then older one gets your attention again. Mothers have been juggling this for centuries without abandoning one child to an hours worth of technology or CBeebies…

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 09:19

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 09:13

I specifically recognised she wasn’t being a nob. However, I’m not getting into a full history here if that’s OK; it isn’t what the threads about and it also will invariably lead to ‘have you tried have you tried have you tried’ which may be meant supportively but is a conversation I’d rather have in RL with someone who has qualifications.

Well said. In reality the reasons they are bathing together are utterly irrelevant and any advice on the skin is unsolicited.

And actually anyone giving medical advice here is off the bat proving they aren’t professional and people you should take advice from because step 1 in dealing with skin is don’t advise until you’ve seen it and got a full history from the patient.

JeremiahBullfrog · 20/02/2025 09:21

I wouldn't be concerned about the child getting hurt so much as the fact that 1 hour unsupervised screen time every night is a lot. It's using the TV as a substitute for social interaction and other activities that are much better for cognitive development. At least if you watch together you can talk about it etc but that isn't the case here.

Of course DC will say they'd prefer to watch TV because that's what children do. This is a case where the parent needs to overrule the child's preferences.

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 09:21

CautiousLurker01 · 20/02/2025 09:16

Not sure I understand why you are setting up the routine this way - I have a 3yr age gap with mine. Bath time was done together even when youngest was 18m old - you just leave 4yo in the bath with bath toys for older kids while you are dressing/drying/tooth brushing younger one (staying in the same room on a mat/table beside the bath). Then you pop younger one in his cot while you get older one out. You then send older one to watch a bit of bed time telly (in the night garden etc) to wind down while you focus for 15mins on the younger one. Then older one gets your attention again. Mothers have been juggling this for centuries without abandoning one child to an hours worth of technology or CBeebies…

Did you read the OP? 4 year old isn’t having a bath.

HotCrossBunplease · 20/02/2025 09:22

CautiousLurker01 · 20/02/2025 09:16

Not sure I understand why you are setting up the routine this way - I have a 3yr age gap with mine. Bath time was done together even when youngest was 18m old - you just leave 4yo in the bath with bath toys for older kids while you are dressing/drying/tooth brushing younger one (staying in the same room on a mat/table beside the bath). Then you pop younger one in his cot while you get older one out. You then send older one to watch a bit of bed time telly (in the night garden etc) to wind down while you focus for 15mins on the younger one. Then older one gets your attention again. Mothers have been juggling this for centuries without abandoning one child to an hours worth of technology or CBeebies…

Amazing. The entire question was prompted by the fact that the 4 year old is not having a bath. What question did you think you were answering?

pelargoniums · 20/02/2025 09:24

StopStartStop · 20/02/2025 08:45

I can see potential problems.

I'm four. The bookshelves look like steps to me. I climb up. My tiny weight is enough to make the bookshelves overbalance. They fall. I fall. I am injured.

I'm four. There is a ball here. I throw it and kick it. Against the television, which falls over or off the wall and hits me. I die.

I'm four. Daddy has left a blister pack of 'sweeties' under the settee. I eat them. They're medication. I die.

I'm four. I wander into the kitchen. What's in that pan on the stove? I pull the handle - oh, the water is still very hot and I'm scalded, scarred for life.

I'm four. I need to be under supervision.

I know when I’m putting two small children to bed solo, the first thing I do is get a massive pan of water boiling on the hob with the handle sticking out at child height instead of on the back burner then scatter all my medication around for a scavenger hunt, can’t believe this isn’t part of every standard bedtime routine tbh.

CautiousLurker01 · 20/02/2025 09:25

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 09:21

Did you read the OP? 4 year old isn’t having a bath.

Show quote history

Yes, I read the OP. Her 4yo needs to have a bath with younger child… there are lots of eczema friendly bath products (both on and off prescription) and they only need to sit in a couple of inches of water which would not exacerbate it. Mine suffered from eczema too. Failing that, 4yo brings some toys up and plays beside the bath. They could even help…