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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a four year old downstairs alone for about an hour?

293 replies

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:04

We have recently changed bedtime routine. DS is 4 and has eczema and it’s been recommended we limit baths. I also have a toddler and for both of them since birth pretty much the routine has been bath, teeth, books and bed. Because DS isn’t now joining in the bath routine he’s watching TV downstairs on his own. I feel awful and I asked him last night if he’d like to watch my iPad upstairs instead but he said no … Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:31

He can’t have a bath every night @Icecreamfactory , that’s why we tweaked it a bit.

They used to have a bath together (well, DD in her toddler bath and DS in the main bath) then DS would listen to his tonie box and DD would have her books and bed. Then I’d go and read to DS. We still do this every other night.

OP posts:
Icecreamfactory · 20/02/2025 07:32

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:31

He can’t have a bath every night @Icecreamfactory , that’s why we tweaked it a bit.

They used to have a bath together (well, DD in her toddler bath and DS in the main bath) then DS would listen to his tonie box and DD would have her books and bed. Then I’d go and read to DS. We still do this every other night.

Why can’t they just do this every night?

polinkhausive · 20/02/2025 07:33

Who has given you this advice on the eczema?

The limiting baths thing is quite old fashioned advice though many GPs are not up to date on eczema

Both me and my son see a consultant dermatologist and the advice from her is very strongly in favour of daily baths - but not too hot and lots of moisturiser straight afterwards to seal in the water

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:33

Because he can’t bath every night because of eczema; as I say in my first post.

OP posts:
Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:34

Well, it does seem a lot worse after he’s had a bath @polinkhausive . And that’s the advice we’ve been given.

OP posts:
AlexandrinaH · 20/02/2025 07:35

susiedaisy1912 · 20/02/2025 07:13

Yes you put your foot down. You are the parent. Your 4 year old needs to be upstairs when you bath your Dd

No they don’t!

polinkhausive · 20/02/2025 07:36

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:34

Well, it does seem a lot worse after he’s had a bath @polinkhausive . And that’s the advice we’ve been given.

How hot a bath are you running?

I find that a hot bath is terrible for my eczema but a warm bath plus lots of moisturiser, as my consultant recommends, is brilliant

Icecreamfactory · 20/02/2025 07:36

I would either only keep him downstairs for the 15 mins or so you’re bathing toddler if you don’t want him upstairs with you then bring him up, or just do what you used to do (minus the bath) so he’s upstairs with you pottering in his room/reading/books/listening to his Tonies/chatting with you?

Wells37 · 20/02/2025 07:36

The world has gone mad! You are in the same house it's fine unless you live in a mansion. Most 4 years old would sit and watch tv on their own safely. He's been ok up until now what makes you think he suddenly going to put the oven on or escape!

IButtleSir · 20/02/2025 07:39

Icecreamfactory · 20/02/2025 07:30

I wouldn’t leave my 4 year old alone downstairs for an hour not because they can’t be left but because they wouldn’t stay there on their own for that long, they’d come and find me anyway! But also I think it’s a bit strange to just leave them for an hour on their own just watching tv or the iPad. It’s a long time compared to say 10 minutes.

Can’t they bath together? Or if not, do a 15 min bath one after the other. Both upstairs whilst you change into PJs then read some picture books together in your bed one each side. Older one then goes into their bedroom whilst you put younger one to bed then you could read the older one a story before putting them to bed.

Edited

Can’t they bath together? Or if not, do a 15 min bath one after the other.

Read the OP again. You don't even have to read the whole thing; just the first couple of sentences.

beAsensible1 · 20/02/2025 07:39

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:34

Well, it does seem a lot worse after he’s had a bath @polinkhausive . And that’s the advice we’ve been given.

Do you lotion him straight after? Or send him to bed dry?

greencrab · 20/02/2025 07:39

I don't see a particular issue with it every other night but also think it would be fine for him to just have longer time upstairs listening to his Tonie box on nights he isn't bathing.

Icecreamfactory · 20/02/2025 07:40

IButtleSir · 20/02/2025 07:39

Can’t they bath together? Or if not, do a 15 min bath one after the other.

Read the OP again. You don't even have to read the whole thing; just the first couple of sentences.

Show quote history

Yes see my last post for next suggestion.

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 07:40

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:31

He can’t have a bath every night @Icecreamfactory , that’s why we tweaked it a bit.

They used to have a bath together (well, DD in her toddler bath and DS in the main bath) then DS would listen to his tonie box and DD would have her books and bed. Then I’d go and read to DS. We still do this every other night.

So you could still do this second part of routine? I don't get why you can't have your 4 yr old upstairs during the toddlers bedtime routine just because the bath situation has changed.

Toddler has bath. 4 year old watches TV.
Toddler out of bath. 4 year old comes upstairs and does teeth and gets ready for bed.
Toddler story time with you. 4 year old listens to audio stories.
Toddler asleep. Story time with you for the 4 year old.

Zonder · 20/02/2025 07:41

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:10

Thanks. It just feels like a long time and it’s dark and we’re remote so I was feeling really guilty.

Dd having a bath, getting out of the bath, nappy and pyjamas, teeth, reading books, into sleeping bag and into cot takes around an hour.

Why can't the 4 year old join after the bath for the teeth, books etc? Just the bath can't take too long.

outofofficeagain · 20/02/2025 07:41

Entirely depends on the child. My eldest child would have rearranged the furniture into an assault course and dismantled the TV in that time.

Quick bath, then joint storytime seems like a good compromise.

User543211 · 20/02/2025 07:41

I'm in the same boat in that I need to put my 2 yo and 3yo down separately. When the youngest was a baby I could just put him in the cot and walk out and he'd go to sleep, it was easy! Now we have books and he's moved to a big bed the whole thing is taking so much longer. If my eldest is there they end up mucking about or bickering etc. I was considering letting her watch TV as she'd be glued to it so no worries there but I don't really want her watching screens before bed.
We have a yoto but she'll only listen for 5 minutes.
Can you get him to help you with bath time and then he can have the iPad after? An hour is long time to be on a screen before bed is my only thought.

GreyCarpet · 20/02/2025 07:42

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 07:17

Why can't the 4 year old still join in with stories?

I am assuming from your first post that they used to bath together, so surely they would have had the same routine just without the bath. Once toddler is out of the bath, why don't you call the 4 year old up to get them in their PJ's and to do their teeth, same as before?

Show quote history

Whilst there wouldn't be anything wrong with that approach, there isn't anything wrong with what the OP is doing either.

OP, if your 4 year old is happy to play alone for a bit in a safe environment, that is fine.

It also gives you chance to spend dedicated 121 time with your youngest.

I blame social media for the fact that mothers feel guilty about just about everything.

I agree. There is a lot of parenting 'advice' and guidance out there but that's all it is. Advice and guidance. Ultimately, you have to decide what works best for your family in your circumstances.

It's also worth remembering that there are other factors to consider. House size for a start.

If the OP lives in a vast sprawling mansion and being downstairs might as well be in another wing of the house, concerns are fair enough. But if she, like me for example, lives in a 2 bed terraced house then downstairs is 5 seconds away and effectively in the next room.

And, as others have said, the child's personality makes a big difference. I could and left one of mine this way because he was completely compliant and wouldn't move from a given spot if told not to. The other, I couldn't because she'd have likely decided to remodel the house in my absence. I'd have got downstairs to find her taking a lump hammer to a supporting wall and telling me she'd decided we needed an open plan kitchen/dining room.

Presumably, the OP knows what sort of child she has and wouldn't be doing it if it felt dangerous.

FrazzledHippy · 20/02/2025 07:42

I wouldn't worry about it at all OP, our generation have developed extreme mum guilt and somewhere we've got the notion that we need to be glued to our kids 24/7 or we're terrible parents and our kids are neglected . What you describe is absolutely fine.

When DD was 4.5, she'd happily get herself up in the morning and potter off downstairs, make herself some cereal and put CBBees on. Often -gasp- before I even got out of bed! She's 8 now and a very well rounded, fully functional happy child!

nomoretreats · 20/02/2025 07:42

downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:34

Well, it does seem a lot worse after he’s had a bath @polinkhausive . And that’s the advice we’ve been given.

I was going to ask the same thing. I am surprised you've been told to not give daily baths. My DS was under the care of a specialist dr/nurse at the hospital and when his eczema was at its worst we were told to give 2 baths a day in special emollients. The routine was very strict but it worked as he is free from it now.

Just to say my DS eczema was so bad he was hospitalised on one occasion for a few days.

RedSkyDelights · 20/02/2025 07:43

I don't think it's a problem and I also don't see why it's an hour (surely the bath specifically doesn't take an hour, and the rest of your routine could stay the same.

However, I'd prefer not to (and my DC would prefer not to as well) leave a young child on their own watching TV for an hour just before bedtime. Surely, even if he's not having a bath, he's having some sort of wash, brushing his teeth, getting changed into PJs etc? Can't he be doing this in while you are bathing DD? Your bedtime routine must take ages if you have an hour putting one DC to bed, and then another 30 minutes(?) putting the other to bed.

I'd also suggest reading stories all together at least some nights (I agree it's nice to do it separately some times). On the days you do it separately DS can read (or look at books) while you read to DD.

Littlemisscapable · 20/02/2025 07:43

Just speed up the bath bed routine? 20 mins will do that...no need for it to take an hour. In that hour you could have the 4 year old in bed too agter watching tv with you and spending slme time... More time with 4 year old without toddler. More evening for you. Everyone wins.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 20/02/2025 07:45

Can he not play in his room?

aCatCalledFawkes · 20/02/2025 07:46

I think what you are doing is fine. He can always run up the stairs to find you. I assume he’s allowed to play in his bedroom when you’re downstairs? Which is pretty much the same thing in reverse. You can’t be glued to him all the time.

Original poster
downthesteps · 20/02/2025 07:48

Thanks, I do appreciate the responses.

On non bath nights he washes his hands and has a quick wipe with a flannel but that takes seconds. He enjoys watching the TV as it’s a programme DD doesn’t like, and you inevitably have to wait for whatever episode he’s on to end. I’d probably feel happier if he was upstairs just because I worry about him feeling a bit lonely and abandoned but I guess he doesn’t feel like that so I should follow his lead.

It also means they both get dedicated reading time which is the most important thing.

OP posts: