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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
Justsayit123 · 19/02/2025 21:00

I think it would be nice to do that. Keep it very low key.

Lilly1771 · 19/02/2025 21:01

I think you should just leave it.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 19/02/2025 21:01

If it was me I would.

Poppyseeds79 · 19/02/2025 21:03

No harm in it any more than a past family friend. She'll either be happy to hear from you or decline politely to renew being in touch.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 19/02/2025 21:03

You could send a nice card, word it nicely but not in a way that invites a response.
If it were me, i would appreciate knowing you still thought of me/cared.

InSpainTheRain · 19/02/2025 21:04

I'd just leave it to be honest. It could open up old feelings that are best left alone in my opinion. What would be your motive and hoped for outcome on this?

Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 21:05

Who was it that told you no to remaining in contact? Did she say that herself? I think she would probably contact you if she wanted to.

AffableApple · 19/02/2025 21:05

Who originally told you "no"? Was an explanation given for this?

Could you handle a second "no"? Are you doing this for the right reasons?

Bournetilly · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think sending a card is a nice idea, she won’t feel as though she has to reply which she might to a text/email.

LucastaNoir · 19/02/2025 21:06

You are clearly fond of her and were a part of her life.

what would you like to happen as a result of getting in touch with her?

she’s just entering a phase of her life where she is branching out as an adult, not remembering the past as you are.

i think you could send a message saying your remember her fondly and wish her all the best as she turns 18. I wouldn’t suggest
meeting up and I wouldn’t expect anything of her.

mammaS11 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think it would be a nice thing to do. I don't agree that she would get in touch with you if she wanted to, she is a kid. She might not know you asked to stay in touch with her, I'm sure she thinks of you too. It is never bad for kids (or anyone) to have extra people in the world that care about them.

Farreleye · 19/02/2025 21:06

I wouldn't, it's been a long time especially from her persepctive as so much in her life will have changed in a decade. It's lovely you had a good relationship and I'm sure she has memories of that, but I'd leave it up to her, she will contact you if she wants.

Gymmum82 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I would. Presumably it was the child’s mother who told you that you couldn’t keep in touch.
Send a nice message. If she wants to reply she can. If not she doesn’t have to

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:07

It was her mum her told me no.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:07

It depends. Would you be able to have her in your life in some capacity? She might want to? She might find it a rejection if you can't do that. It could be very messy. Does the card help her or does it help you?

Just be really clear on your intentions. Maybe later down the line, not now, would be better all round? Maybe leaving it entirely. Only you know.

DoYouReally · 19/02/2025 21:07

Send an 18th birthday card and put your number on it. It's totally her choice then if she gets in touch.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

OP posts:
BruFord · 19/02/2025 21:08

@strangerthan Hmm, I can see why you’d like to make contact and I think it would show her that you care about her.

Perhaps a lowkey message just saying Happy 18h and that you’re thinking about her on her special birthday.

Be careful though, she may not realize that her Mum told you not to stay in contact and it could cause ructions in her family if she finds out. That wouldn’t be fair on her.

DoYouReally · 19/02/2025 21:10

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

Then send a birthday message!

Astronautstar · 19/02/2025 21:10

I wouldn't because this is a tricky age for mothers and daughters. I don't think it would be helpful if it came to light that you'd been told not to get in touch. It would probably cause tension between the two of them if a relationship was rekindled. That outweighs the benefits in my view. She only has one parent. They need to stay on good terms.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/02/2025 21:11

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

I’d say “Hi X, was just thinking of you and our days out to (X place that you went to). Hope you don’t mind me sending you a message, just wanted to say hello and that I hope you are well. Love from @strangerthan x”

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:15

Im not intending on bad mouthing her mum.
I was hurt that she said no and don’t necessarily think it was a kind decision to either of us but I respect and understand why she did.

If asked Im happy to just say after her dad died that I didn’t have a way to contact her and take any blame that I should have tried harder

OP posts:
Strugglingtocometoterms · 19/02/2025 21:16

mammaS11 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think it would be a nice thing to do. I don't agree that she would get in touch with you if she wanted to, she is a kid. She might not know you asked to stay in touch with her, I'm sure she thinks of you too. It is never bad for kids (or anyone) to have extra people in the world that care about them.

This! Surely even her mum could understand this?? It's not like you're trying to step in, just show that you didn't just forget her.

MysteriousFalafel · 19/02/2025 21:19

As someone who lost a parent very young I would have loved it if someone who knew him got in touch, particularly someone who I had a relationship with. It would be lovely to hear some stories about my dad. I’d definitely send her a message wishing her a happy birthday and saying you’ve often thought of her.

Starlightstarbright4 · 19/02/2025 21:26

I honestly think wrong time .. If she is approaching A levels .. she doesn’t need this now . Maybe wait till 21z