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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 21/02/2025 17:46

One could argue it was okay for the mum to say no contact when this girl was a child but she's an adult now and should be allowed to make her own decision.

Frn85 · 21/02/2025 21:08

I split with my ex of 10years, 7yr ago now, last year his son (my ex step child) used to come for dinner so he could see his younger sisters and my eldest son. His mum was fine with it (shearranged it with me), his dad was oblivious as he wasn't talking to him at the time

Original poster
strangerthan · 07/03/2025 20:45

Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she.

OP posts:
Marmaladelover · 07/03/2025 20:49

I am so pleased for you both Flowers Flowers

Feliciacat · 07/03/2025 20:50

This is lovely news! I’m very happy for you both. Family is so much more than blood.

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:51

At first, I was going to say that sending an 18th card would be a really nice idea. But actually, I don't think it is. You sound lovely OP, but think of it from her point of view. Receiving a card from you, completely out of the blue, is rather a big thing to happen on her birthday. It could open up old feelings and memories about her dad, when it's going to be hard without him as it is.
The best course of action, if you really want to do this, is to send a 'thinking of you' card soon after her birthday has passed.
Good luck!

Fuckitydoodah · 07/03/2025 20:51

strangerthan · 07/03/2025 20:45

Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she.

I've just come across your thread OP.

I'm so pleased you messaged her and have had a positive response. Thank goodness you listened to your heart. You would have always wondered if you'd listened to the advice of those saying not to do it.

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:53

Ok, have just seen that you don't have her address. Same goes for a birthday message. After but not on her birthday, as it's too much of a bolt out the blue.

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:54

Have just spotted the latest update. I really ought to have read the full thread Grin
Anyway, I'm glad you got a positive response x

Snowmanscarf · 07/03/2025 21:03

Good update.

OverthinkingOlive · 07/03/2025 21:12

Brilliant update 👏

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

cherrysponge · 07/03/2025 21:23

So pleased for you.

Genevieva · 07/03/2025 21:23

She still a teenager. Leave it for a few years.

Genevieva · 07/03/2025 21:24

Oops - should have read to the end. Happy endings are good.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:24

Was there a reason mum said no? If you knew the girl since she was 2 then did you get with her dad when she was a baby? Perhaps why the mum wasn't keen?

Honeyroar · 07/03/2025 21:24

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

Haha, according to the op’s latest update she actually is something to her.

Fab update - so pleased for you both.

Catpuss66 · 07/03/2025 22:07

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

Why would you put something like that it is just unkind. She was something to her she was involved in her life & her upbringing. Your comment says more about you as a person than ever about the OP.

so glad she reached out, & positive outcome

Bloom15 · 07/03/2025 22:10

Thanks great OP

crockofshite · 07/03/2025 22:17

Noooooo

She's already told you she doesn't want further contact.

It's really a shame because you looked after her and had a good relationship with her as a child. It's up to her to contact you if her feelings have changed.

Bloom15 · 07/03/2025 22:17

*that's

crockofshite · 07/03/2025 22:21

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

Why wasn't she at her dad's funeral?

You previously said she'd told you no further contact, but didn't mention the mother.

That changes things.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 22:30

Catpuss66 · 07/03/2025 22:07

Why would you put something like that it is just unkind. She was something to her she was involved in her life & her upbringing. Your comment says more about you as a person than ever about the OP.

so glad she reached out, & positive outcome

Show quote history

And your comment to me says a lot about you as a person.

Also it's not unkind. I had a stepmum from age 3 to 7. She doesn't mean anything to me, she's a woman that my dad was with for a few years. Yes she was involved in my life but then she left and I didn't think about her too much after that. I probably wouldn't recognise her in the street had it not been for a couple of photos I've seen from back then.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 22:34

Honeyroar · 07/03/2025 21:24

Haha, according to the op’s latest update she actually is something to her.

Fab update - so pleased for you both.

Show quote history

"Haha" not really, I've had primary school friends and an old neighbour reach out to me on social media. It was lovely to catch up and we still interact but it's really not a big thing, they're not significant people to me.

OllyBJolly · 07/03/2025 22:43

My DDs had a lovely step mum. She was/is a fabulous role model and very supportive of me during the difficult teenage years.

She and XH had a very acrimonious divorce yet she kept in touch. Happily she met someone else but the contact fell away- not her fault- dds went travelling, uni, moved cities.

They don't feel it would be appropriate to get in touch, but I know they would love it if she did. She was an important person in their life.

And yes, she was the OW but she loved my children and I admire her for that.