Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
OneShoeShort · 19/02/2025 22:52

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 19/02/2025 22:49

Kindly I don’t consider you a step mum… but a dad’s girlfriend. Her mum said do not keep in touch, respect that. I don’t think it’s kind to contact her now. Most 18 year olds still live at home and are in education of sorts. Leave it.

What? Are you the child in question? Why are you making first person statements about whether you consider OP a stepmum or not?

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:55

I'm sorry it's upset you @Mom6toomany Flowers

I'm feeling a lot of guilt imagining she could have felt similar and don't want to leave her with those feelings.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 19/02/2025 22:55

I would definitely reach out, low key. Wish her a happy birthday, hope she’s doing ok etc. Then let her make the next move. At the very least you are a connection to her father and can tell her/share stories of him if this is what she wants. As someone who lost a parent as a child I would have loved anyone close to them reaching out.

Linux20 · 19/02/2025 22:59

My mum died when I was 8, my dad remarried and I slowly lost contact with all my mum’s family who had been a massive part of my life until the remarriage.
I would have been thrilled with a message from them when I turned 18. I do know now know where my uncle and aunt live, but I would never pop in as I was so hurt by them dropping out of my life, but if they made the first move and invited me round then I would love it.
even if it is just a short message to say you’ve missed her, you think about her a lot and you’d love to meet up for a coffee sometime. Equally you would understand if she doesn’t want to.

MummaMummaMumma · 19/02/2025 22:59

Contact her. You've been thinking of her for all these years, she's clearly important to you. If she doesn't want to know, at least you tried and she'll know you didn't just stop caring. That she meant something to you, it wasn't only her dad that you loved.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/02/2025 23:05

If I was that young woman i think I would appreciate your message ... similar to what you have said on here & wish her a happy 18th birthday.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 19/02/2025 23:09

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 19/02/2025 21:01

If it was me I would.

Me too, quick message and your no. X

Concernedcheeselover · 19/02/2025 23:10

I would!

Even though you split up, it’s clear you had a good relationship with her dad. When a parent passes it’s really important for most people to have other people in their life who also really loved that parent (at some point at least). maybe she would love to share anecdotes about her dad and good memories the three of you had.

also, were also another mother figure in her formative years, I am sure she missed you too. when you left after her father passed she might have been hurt and confused and thought you abandoned her, essentially losing two parents at the same time. Who knows what her mother told her about why you didn’t stay in touch?

i would reach out, keep it low key but also mention that you always wanted to keep in touch and have thought about her over the years on her birthday etc.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 19/02/2025 23:11

OP the nature of all your responses indicate that you are going to contact her regardless of any advice you get. If it's validation you are after then the answers look to be 50/50.

18 is just a number as reiterated on so many threads when talking about whether someone is a child or an adult.

Any contact should be her choice as the greater impact of any contact is on her. She'll find you on SM if she wants to get in touch

Wellretired · 19/02/2025 23:11

I would want to contact her too, but you would need to explain why you didn't keep in touch. Even if it was only that you didn't have her contact details but you've now found her on social media. And to make it clear that she would be welcome to contact you any time if she wanted to, so she knows that she can. I don't agree with the people who say it would only store up feelings unnecessarily - if she does have unresolved feelings it would be good to help with those. Be prepared for her mum to be angry, though.

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 19/02/2025 23:12

It's a lovely thing to do. I'd definitely do it

Concernedcheeselover · 19/02/2025 23:13

Honeyroar · 19/02/2025 22:39

I say definitely contact her to say Happy Birthday, you hope she’s ok. Tell her you didn’t want to interfere in her life and never had any contact details, but you wanted her to know that you think of her often and hope she has a great life. Tell her there’s no pressure to reply if she doesn’t want to, but you’ll always be here if she does want to.

this 🩷

MichaelScarn · 19/02/2025 23:17

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 19/02/2025 23:12

It's a lovely thing to do. I'd definitely do it

I concur. Completed off topic, but are you a fan of the US version of The Office @Ryanstartedthefire22?

Sleepington · 19/02/2025 23:22

I'm another one with a complicated upbringing. One side of the family did contact me many years later (approx twenty five years later). I had, of course, thought of them often over the years and the decision of no contact had been made by adults at the time, not me obviously. I was glad to hear from them but it was very bad timing as I had just lost a baby (they were not to know that). They contacted me through social media so it was a bit of a shock after such a long time. They pushed ahead so hard and so quickly that I ended up cutting contact pretty soon afterwards. I don't know why I didn't just say to give me more time, maybe I felt it was inappropriate as twenty five years had already passed by but there was also a feeling of guilt and disloyalty to the other side of the family that I needed time to process.

I would contact her but please do it gently and wait for her to reply when she's ready.

Never2many · 19/02/2025 23:27

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 19/02/2025 22:49

Kindly I don’t consider you a step mum… but a dad’s girlfriend. Her mum said do not keep in touch, respect that. I don’t think it’s kind to contact her now. Most 18 year olds still live at home and are in education of sorts. Leave it.

Rubbish. They were together for six years. As much as people seem to insist that someone is just “dad’s girlfriend” if not married, if they lived together then in name she was just as much as a stepmum as if they’d been married.

OP you sound sensible and clearly don’t have an agenda. I absolutely would reach out. You have nothing to lose.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/02/2025 23:35

Of course you should make the first contact. People saying she could get in touch with you if she wanted to are ignoring that she probably thinks you deliberately abandoned her after her father died (it's not very likely that her mother told her you asked to stay in contact). Leaving it longer would reinforce the feeling that you don't/didn't care about her. I think waiting until she's 18 is respecting her mother's wishes.

blubberyboo · 19/02/2025 23:36

Whilst I do think it would be kind of you to reach out and send a happy 18th card, part of me is thinking that the reason mum told you to stay away is probably due to the fact you were already dipping in and out of her life. Whilst it wasn't your fault nor intention you don't know if the girl was expressing sadness and confusion to her mum aged 12 about why you only came occasionally. Mum probs thought it best to rip off the band aid.

With that in mind just tread carefully and don't go all in over friendly. You don't want her to think a deep relationship is rekindling that ends up going flat

I think a birthday card with a short kind message is enough for now at least until exams over and she matures. She will be a different person now and you do of course have your own kids to think of if there is a personality clash.

Catpuss66 · 19/02/2025 23:41

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 21:39

I had a babysitter until I was 7, she was round all the time as she lived next door anyway and I apparently loved her.

She ended up coming over to my parents' house many years later while I was there. I hadn't seen her since I was about 7. And now I was an adult and she was gushing over me and I was really embarrassed and felt so awkward because I didn't remember her at all and she obviously felt we had a really close relationship.

I'd just leave it.

Edited

A babysitter is a bit different to a step mom. Which is what she was.

Cottonplease · 19/02/2025 23:42

I would. You can add that you've never forgotten her/she has never been far from your thoughts etc and if she would like to get in touch then you'd love to see her. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck OP!

Crazybaby123 · 19/02/2025 23:43

I think it would be ok to do, maybe not when she immediately turned 18 as it might look like you have literally counted down the days which could be misinterpeeted but some time in the coming years message her and keep it super friendly and chit chatty but say you thought of her and just hoped she is ok. I would say leave it another year though. You don't know how good or bad her relationahip is with her mum and what stories she has been told about her dad, you etc.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/02/2025 00:26

Reach a branch, you could have happy stories and things to tell that she can't hear elsewhere =)

Lampshadeblue · 20/02/2025 00:47

I would send her a card, no pressure just letting her know that she was special to you and you still thought of her. You don’t know what’s happening in her life, she may be super busy and you may not hear back or she may be grateful to hear from someone that cares for her and want to reach out. Xx

OneTwinklyPlumBeaker · 20/02/2025 06:42

So much overthinking on this thread and so many responses from posters who have not read the thread at all. Just send her birthday greetings on SM and await her response, if any and go from there. You sound lovely.

CrotchetyQuaver · 20/02/2025 07:42

I would get in touch in this situation and word things in such a way that she doesn't feel she has to reply. But I would stress that now she's 18 you feel able to make contact and you've wondered how she was all these years you've not been in touch and how much you've missed her.

XWKD · 20/02/2025 07:51

I would. She might feel you forgot about her.