To contact my ex stepdaughter

[strangerthan]

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

Please do contact her. You can just say you waited until she was 18 so not to step on any toes but say you have been thinking about her and would love to see her but if she doesn't want to you perfectly understand and wish her all the Best.

Do it OP I think it's lovely to let someone know you are thinking of them under these kind of situations.

I think I definitely am going to contact her but
I’ll send it a couple of days/weeks after her birthday rather than the actual day and I will make it clear i have no expectation of a reply.

As other posters who were in similar situations have described, I can’t leave her with feeling she was forgotten or not cared about for any longer than that.

I think sending a simple happy birthday I'm proud to see the adult you've become message is enough, further contact is then up to her. She can easily ignore it or she can reply and you take the conversation from there. Just bear in mind that 10 years have passed and you've no idea what she's been told about your absence so whilst you love her and want her in your life, to her you may be the devil incarnate and she hates you

I actually would contact her on her actual birthday which shows that you remember the date and that you did (do) care about her. You are obviously a lovely person OP and I hope that it works out for (both) of you.

The OP can’t say this, Apart from it sounding very cliche, it would sound insincere as the OP really doesn’t know how the girl is now.

I wouldn’t say you’re proud of her, OP, unless you’re claiming the credit for her achievements. Admiration yes, but not pride.

What a lovely thought.

If she's followed her on social media then she will have watched her grow? If she hasn't then yes I agree that would be insincere and would need to be qualified with from what insert name here has told me you've grown into a lovely young woman

Yes I agree admire is probably better than proud

How is this?

Hi X.
I hope you don’t mind me contacting you, please feel no pressure to reply.
I just wanted to wish you a happy 18th birthday for the other day and send you my love.
I think about you often and hope you are doing well.
If you were ever interested in meeting or speaking further, not necessarily now but anytime in the future then just letting you know I’m here and will always be happy to hear from you.
Love X

Im not sure it would be comforting for the girl to be told the OP has been looking at her on social media over the years.

Even if the girl’s profile is public, it isn’t something the OP should really announce when initiating contact after a long period has passed since seeing her. I know I wouldn’t have liked it.

That is lovely OP.

Don’t forget to include your email, phone number and address so she can keep it for the future in case she isn’t ready to reply just yet.

I'd wonder if you cared that much why you didn't message on my actual birthday tbh, I mean did you forget the date? I understand your reasons for not wanting to upset/distract from her special day but if you are going with the birthday message then it should be on her birthday otherwise you should acknowledge the reasons for messaging a few days/weeks later

Okay maybe I'll send it on her actual birthday. I was thinking that i don't know how she will feel receiving a message from me, possible that she will be upset or angry and didn't want to ruin her birthday or like a previous poster has suggested look like I'd been counting down the days.

My ex and I split up after 4 years together. His two boys lived with him and not their Mum, so for 4 years, I was their step-Mum. The boys were 11 and 9 years old when I left my ex (he cheated numerous times), and I made the decision not to keep in contact. I felt that it would be difficult enough for the boys living with their Dad, and having contact with their Mum, without throwing myself into the mix. Once the youngest reached 18, I made contact with both, via Facebook, by sending a Friend Request. I sent a short message once the request was accepted and left the rest up to them. They are grown adults, married with children of their own - we keep in occasional contact by sending a message. I have also left the door open for them to meet up, and told them both, that decision is and will always be theirs to make. Sending a card or even a Facebook friend request is always an option, but make it casual, no expectations.

I think it's a lovely thing to do, she may have wondered why you disappeared from her life especially after losing her dad.

If you know her address send her a simple card that says "I thought about you over the years! I hope you are doing well."
No pressure for her to respond.

I think it would be a nice thing to do. Look at Chris Packham and Megan McGubbin! Thick as thieves,

As someone who was in this exact position, I met up with that child last night after reaching out to them for the first time in 7 years, absolutely message them. You don’t realise the impact you have on them. She was telling me stuff that I absolutely hadn’t ever considered and I realised that they see you totally differently to how you see yourself. They were a part of you life and you moved on but to them you were so much more. If you don’t give them the opportunity to connect with you, they wont connect with you. As she said to me last night “I was so nevous to meet you because I know that I remind you of the worst time of your life.” I loved her and thought I was doing the best by letting her go. She obviously saw it differently. Open the door

I wouldn't send anything to arrive on the actual day as it could cause upset with her or her mum.
A little while later or as a previous poster suggested- after exams in the summer might be best.

My dad left when I was a baby, and was absent throughout my childhood. I had a stepdad between the ages of 7 and 11, who I was close to. After he left (his choice) we had absolutely no contact, even though he stayed in the area.

I was very hurt by that, and am still amazed at how people didn't see any issue because he wasn't my 'real' dad. Still on MN, I see people being very dismissive of non-biological family relationships.

I think you should, OP. Sensitively and respectfully, obviously.

I think it would be nice but I'd wait till she was older than 18. When she is 22 or 23 she may be better able to deal with a blast from the past - a blast that will remind her a lot of her deceased father.

Without being mean you’re probably totally overestimating your importance in her life. She was very young and may not barely even remember you

Go for it op.
You can but try.
If she dosent want to, nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say.