To contact my ex stepdaughter

[strangerthan]

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

As long as you werent an affair partner?

I can understand that it must have been very hard for the DM to be apart from her tiny 2 year old. Sounds like the family have had a lot of strife with family breakdown and parental loss at a young age.

I think it’s a nice thing to do - you were part of her life for several years, although as someone said, maybe wait until after a-levels.

Do it but have low expectations and high rejection outcomes

I can’t see what harm it would do. It’s not as if she’s still a child. If she doesn’t want to respond she needn’t.

Yes, I would be more than happy (and always have been) to have her in my life in any capacity she would like

But I would also be happy or understand if she wasn't interested

What old feelings are people thinking will be brought to the surface?

I got back in touch with two ladies who looked after me as a child and they were thrilled. We are still in touch now years later and always will be. One is like a mum to me as I don't have one.

Yes definitely do it, in a 'no pressure but I think about you often and would love to see you' way. She may be sad she's not seen yiu in the last few years and feel she lost both you and her dad.

I think it's a really kind gesture then. She's an adult and can decide if she wants to follow up contact after receiving it.

I had a babysitter until I was 7, she was round all the time as she lived next door anyway and I apparently loved her.

She ended up coming over to my parents' house many years later while I was there. I hadn't seen her since I was about 7. And now I was an adult and she was gushing over me and I was really embarrassed and felt so awkward because I didn't remember her at all and she obviously felt we had a really close relationship.

I'd just leave it.

You were her step mum between 2 and 8 years, her dad then died when she was 10. That's two big losses as a child. You may bring lots of difficult feelings to the surface for her.

if it was me then id appricate it

I hadn’t thought of this, but you weren’t the reason for her parent’s breakup, were you?
If you were, you shouldn’t contact her. If they’d split up before you met her Dad, then I’d say yes, send her a birthday message.

I think one friendly/neutral message would be fine.

I’d give it a few years- this is a really tricky time in her life and she’s still going through rapid brain development and is likely managing a lot of changes. It’s likely the mum who said no is still very influential in her life, and you could cause problems in their relationship. She is an adult, but also a teenager
id wait until she is settled in life as a young woman and see what her response is then. Getting in touch now could be really de stabilising

I wasn't. It was also incredibly hard for her dad being away from his tiny two year old.

I had a step mother like that and I would love it if she got in contact (and would have loved it at any point in my life). Sadly I don't even know her family name, so can't find her myself.

I would. Her birthday is a good opportunity to send her a happy birthday message with a few words. Keep it fairly low key and see what happens. If she wants to ignore it she can, and it opens the door for her to respond if she wants.
I would say though that remember 10 years might not feel that long to you, but to an 18 year old it is a lifetime and you might not be more than a distant memory to her now. So keep your expectations low.

My dd aged 15 did its nice and if it was her she would like it.

My former stepmum contacted me when I was an adult, I'm in my 40's now and we are close friends, I'm so glad she did.

I think this would show the girl that you really did care x

It would be lovely for her to know you still care about her.

I had a lot of adults in my life as a child and I was recently thinking about them and how so few of them really saw me or were interested in me.

It would be lovely to think at least one of them cared about how my life turned out.

I'm worried and hope shes never felt that I didn't care or have forgotten about her but sure she has at least when she was younger.

I thought 18 was the best point to contact as it makes sense that I would wait until she was an adult. Waiting any longer would just further suggest I had forgotten and didn't care.

Agreed, I lost my dad when I was 16 and would love someone, who cared about me to get in touch. I would say you have such fond memories of her and would like her to know you still care and hope she has a wonderful birthday. Tbh I wouldn’t tell her that you decided to stay away. That may lead to her rejecting you when actually you could be a positive force in her life. I appreciate you don’t want to disrupt the bond with her mum either, especially under the circumstances. Perhaps say it was a long time ago and the split was difficult on everyone and be rather vague.

I think you should contact her and wish her well on her 18th birthday and tell her you've never forgotten her.

Oh do piss off.