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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 19/02/2025 21:55

Why not wait until the summer when the A levels are over?

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:55

AcquadiP · 19/02/2025 21:52

I think you should contact her and wish her well on her 18th birthday and tell her you've never forgotten her.

This message sounds great OP. I think this could be so heartwarming to her. How I'd value a card like this at 18. So much honestly.

If you're open like you say to contact then this feels like the right thing to do.

Phase2 · 19/02/2025 22:00

I don't think you should. I'm an ex step mum but we had a child so the children were (half) siblings. I was also a bereaved child and I wouldn't welcome an ex of my dad's turning up.
You have also been told not to by her mum and so you will either be a secret or a source of annoyance. It's been 8 years, she has had almost half her life again without you in it.

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 19/02/2025 22:14

I think it's always good for the parent to reach out, even if the child is now 18. The adult still holds the power in the relationship, and making the first move can be a really kind and meaningful gesture—especially since you were such a big part of her childhood. Wishing you all the best x

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

OP posts:
Iloveyoubut · 19/02/2025 22:16

I had an incredibly complicated childhood and I would have loved if you’d reached out to me. I think it’s a lovley idea and as others have said, just keep it low key with no expectations but yes… I think it’s worth doing it. I often wonder if my ‘sort of step mum for a few years’ ever thinks of me and I’m 50.

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:17

I don't think you should try to make contact as she has already said no. But if you want to you could wish her happy birthday then up to her if she replies

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/02/2025 22:19

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:17

I don't think you should try to make contact as she has already said no. But if you want to you could wish her happy birthday then up to her if she replies

Her mum said no not her.

I think you should get in touch. She might think you abandoned her so would be nice for her to know you remember her and still care

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:20

@strangerthan just do it. What’s the worse that could happen she’d refuse to be in contact with you. At least you know then.

Saracen · 19/02/2025 22:21

I think a brief message would be appropriate. Of course she remembers you. She may not know you were told to keep clear, and she may be imagining you don't want to see her anymore.

paranoiaofpufflings · 19/02/2025 22:22

I would contact her but I would make it clear there is no pressure for her to respond if she doesn't want to.

She probably won't know that her mum told you to step away, and she may have always wondered why you lost contact!

I might say something like you loved and cared for her during the years you spent time together, and have often thought of her since, wondering how she is and how life is going. You know she has become an adult now, and if she ever wanted to speak to or see you then you would be very happy to be in touch. Leave that with her.

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:22

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:07

It was her mum her told me no.

Do you know anything about her life now? If she still lives where she does?

downhere · 19/02/2025 22:24

paranoiaofpufflings · 19/02/2025 22:22

I would contact her but I would make it clear there is no pressure for her to respond if she doesn't want to.

She probably won't know that her mum told you to step away, and she may have always wondered why you lost contact!

I might say something like you loved and cared for her during the years you spent time together, and have often thought of her since, wondering how she is and how life is going. You know she has become an adult now, and if she ever wanted to speak to or see you then you would be very happy to be in touch. Leave that with her.

This is a lovely idea for a message

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:25

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

Hi. Get in touch with her she’ll remember you and probably has missed you.

Sunnydays25 · 19/02/2025 22:26

I think you sound very kind, I think her mother did her a disservice in not allowing you to keep up contact.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/02/2025 22:29

She is at a strange age between a teenager and an adult.

It would be better to wait until she is older, 23?.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 19/02/2025 22:30

She can always say No. A short but open message would be good.

Devonshiregal · 19/02/2025 22:30

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:07

It was her mum her told me no.

Imagine you asked someone to not contact your child. Then the child turned 18 and that person pretty much immediately got in contact.

how old even was the child last you saw them? Remember how you think about people who baby sat you as a child - you’re like yeah she was nice aw…but you don’t remember much else. I’m sure you mean it nicely but you should wait til she’s older older if you want to send a card.

Endofyear · 19/02/2025 22:31

I think you should let it go. While you have fond memories of her, you have no idea what her life is like now and what you getting in contact might bring up for her. Leave the past in the past - if she wanted to, she could probably find you on social media and get in contact.

Trabbling · 19/02/2025 22:31

With the info that it was her mum who said no to keeping in contact (not the child herself) and the fact that you were in her life for 10 years, I think you should.

It would be lovely for her to know you still think about her and care about her, and you don't know what answer her mum might have given her when she wondered why you didn't keep in touch.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:38

I don’t agree that she would necessarily contact me if she wanted to.
I’m assuming (unless her Mum admitted she told me to stay away) that she thinks I just didn’t bother contacting her again after her dad died and so would think I just didn’t care that much about her.

And even if she finds me on social media it would be very brave for a teenager to reach out and open herself up to possible rejection.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 19/02/2025 22:39

I say definitely contact her to say Happy Birthday, you hope she’s ok. Tell her you didn’t want to interfere in her life and never had any contact details, but you wanted her to know that you think of her often and hope she has a great life. Tell her there’s no pressure to reply if she doesn’t want to, but you’ll always be here if she does want to.

dottydaily · 19/02/2025 22:44

I think you should.

Mom6toomany · 19/02/2025 22:46

This thread has hit a nerve with me but I am not going to go into it to deeply as I would be here for hours….

Yes do reach out, I was once that girl and thought, and actually still feel I was forgotten about. It might not go the way you hope but she won’t ever feel the way I do, not understanding and knowing what you’ve done wrong when someone who is part of your circle suddenly disappears is hard to get your head around as a child and even in later years as an adult to try and make sense of.

Go into it not expecting anything, but I really hope that for both of you it brings peace and maybe something else.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 19/02/2025 22:49

Kindly I don’t consider you a step mum… but a dad’s girlfriend. Her mum said do not keep in touch, respect that. I don’t think it’s kind to contact her now. Most 18 year olds still live at home and are in education of sorts. Leave it.

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