On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

I can appreciate your dh wants to go off and ski but to talk to you like that is awful.
I'm glad you called him up on it but sorry now you're being stonewalled
When you love and care about someone, you want them to have a good time too. Not ensure that they have the worst time they can possibly have.
Some good ideas of how to get through the rest of your holiday. Focus on that for now then the rest when you get back.

You are being vulnerable and asking for help and he has chucked that back at you. Not nice.

If an hour would get your confidence back, could you ask your daughter to ski with you for that time?

Once that happens, is there anyone at your level you can ski with?

And yes, hubby is an arse. Not kind, considerate and patient.

The skiing is irrelevant, as it's a symptomatic, not the cause.

This marriage is over. Nevermind love, there's no respect left there either. Life's too short.

I get what you are saying, but she is on her holiday too, and for the last few days, it's easier and less dramatic certainly for her friends on the trip too if she make the best of HER holiday time and think about what she wants to do next calmly.

She is not in any danger, there is no mortal risk to her from biding her time and those ducks can form an orderly queue in time, knee-jerk is not the best way to deal with this.

Skiing lessons wont fix this H situation, but maybe getting a bit of confidence back on the slopes with an instructor will help her regain a bit more confidence elsewhere in her life

I recall when I was in an abusive relationship and it was pretty dire, not in danger, but a bit more extreme than this situation, i made the decision to go and not come back, but to be able to do that, i had to plan, and stick with the programme for a bit.

Easy to say ltb but honestly it depends on what life is usually like with the two of you. Holidays bring out the worst in people- given the amount of money spent and the fact you’re told these few days you got off work are meant to make you happy for the next year or more and so everyone has an idea in their head of what they’re doing. He could have honestly just lost the plot but either way you both need to talk if you are in a way doubting a future together or indeed if this is a regular thing because nobody should ever call anyone pathetic and make them feel like that. Best of luck for the rest of the holidays op

Truthfully I don’t think you were being fair asking him to skip skiing at a level that’s for him on a skiing holiday. I can’t imagine that’s fun at all and defeats the point of a skiing holiday. Particularly as you’ve got someone who is at your level.

That said his reaction is one of disdain, as is yours toward him. I suspect all of this is a wider reflection of where you’re both at. Bored and resentful. You have a choice to make. Both talk, acknowledge where you’re at and work on it. Or divorce. The choice is yours.

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. It’s controlling. His criticism of you after you previously had an accident is abusive or at very least insensitive and unempathetic.

Has no one in the group noticed he’s leaving you to ski alone and giving you the silent treatment? It must be very awkward for them. And reflects badly on him if they’re work colleagues he’s trying to impress.

How old’s your daughter? Sounds like she may be a teen. If she’s safe and happy with her dad and the other friends, I’d forget all about him. I wouldn’t ski alone, as it’s not the best idea if you’re worried. Could be dangerous and certainly not fun.

View it as YOUR holiday. Imagine you’re there alone. What would you choose to do? If you have money, book a ski group of the same ability. Buy a good book and find a great cafe and read while taking in the view. Book a spa treatment. Take yourself to the nearest city, book a hotel for a couple of days and do some sightseeing.

Why be married to an arsehole like that, who shows no love or care? Does he add anything to your life? If not, life’s too short. Start to plan a life without him.

This is exactly the situation we used to have skiing with my Dad. As a child I was so aware of his frustration with my Mum, who was slower and less confident than him (and us). It was awful to see and as a child (and later teenager) I was extremely aware of it and found it very upsetting every time we went away.

You deserve to be treated much, much better.

TheaBrandt1 are you the nasty husband in this thread ?
I’d say you are , in which case please stop talking…..

Are his work friends hearing how he treats you. Something tells me he might not have the job he is in for veery much longer.

Doesnt he realise how that he is being embarrassing

It’s not half of what he deserved. If my DH called me pathetic the entire piste would hear my response.

OP, I am in a very similar situation re. skiing capability. DH and both DSs are way better than me. I have barely progressed past snowploughing after about 5 ski holidays. But - the previous two I hardly skied at all - pregnant on one and with 6 year old to keep an eye on in the other. So when I skied last month it was pretty bad! DH and DS1 helped me find a gentle slope I liked by trying several out first and reporting back, then we did one together which I was happy with.

Your DH is unbelievably awful. I would tell him that in very terms and remind him that if he called a colleague pathetic he would be in a lot more trouble. Unless there is an abject and sincere apology that marriage would be over for me.

Given he thinks so highly of his work friends I would be inclined to embarrass him by leaving.

Just tell DD you aren’t having a good holiday so you are heading home. Leave him with anything heavy or cumbersome to bring back.

Then have a good think about whether you really want to stay in this marriage.

I wouldn’t.

OP, you say of your DH, “ I would say he is usually more needy of my time than I am of his.” You need to remember this - because I bet when he wants your time, you don’t swear at him and give him the silent treatment. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end: my ex used to do this - he once didn’t speak to me for three days after I’d had our DS and I was in bits. The abuse is sadly all too familiar, as well. It’s not OK and if you want your marriage to work, you need to let him know that it’s abusive behaviour and you won’t put up with it. I’d insist on marriage counselling, because if this is what he does, he clearly thinks it’s an acceptable way to behave, although I’m surprised he’s doing it when his friends are there. Make it plain that he’s driving a wedge between you and that he needs to take a long hard look at his behaviour if he wants his marriage to last.

I sent my husband’s OW a sympathy card when he left!

I could have kissed my ex's OW for taking him off my hands.

I had a hard time on a Ladies trip skiing last year as a couple of the ladies seemed to turn into Mean Girls because I wasn't a bit slower than them - this was in the morning when we had a ski guide. They would make nasty little remarks about me not being fast enough and said I needed to pull my finger out - genuinely I wasn't holding them back that much and I left them to do their own thing in the afternoon.

Therefore skiing can turn you into an arsehole, particularly if you have tendencies that way beforehand. It's also an expensive holiday to spend skiing below your ability and trying to coax someone else along. You said you usually ski with your friend of the same level and that she wasn't there this year.

He was nasty to you, but you were kind of nasty back in return. So I wouldn't LTB just yet unless this is the tip of the iceberg. But of course if it's an ongoing pattern then that's different.

What an idiot. Does he not understand that if you live in the UK, you are not born 'in the skiing culture' and it is an amazing achievement that you can ski at all! All confident skiers I know are those who were born near the slopes where they were skiing every week-end from the age of 3, i.e. they were brought up skiing. I would not go on holiday with him at all after this and would reconsider the marriage.

OP you mentioned kids - do you have other children apart from your DD?

Yeah is is an abusive twat, you don't deserve this, get out of this hell hole you poor thing.

I think my ex’s OW realised exactly why I’d sent the sympathy card after a couple of years when he made her life a misery and she kicked him out.

Hmmm is don't think skiing turns people mean, sounds like those friends are nasty ppl.

Love this!!

My ex used to go silent for weeks, she was a nightmare. The man sounds like an absolutely arse with no empathy or understanding.
Having been skiing I can see how a group with different skill levels could create tensoon. In your case you'd be better off signing up for ski school and let the others do their own thing.
I think you need some serious counselling to save your marriage, it's a big decision to walk away but I imagine this will be the tip of the iceberg and there will be other issues with your relationship.
Good luck xx

@MyLimeGuide thankfully not friends just randomers on the same holiday! Much nicer bunch this year.

My mum is terrified of heights and gets scared even seeing things like big drops or rollercoasters on the TV. I live near mountains and I took my parents on a hike that became far more vertiginous than I had planned.

There was a short passage of 8-10m where the path is still quite wide, but there is a cable fixed into the rock to hold onto because there is "nothing" the other side.

My mum was terrified (although in no danger, to be clear) and it took her a full 5 minutes to cross this 10m stretch, and all the time my dad was there with a constant stream of:

• you're absolutely fine, you've got both hands on the rope
• move your left foot to here, then move your right to join it
• you're doing great, just look at the wall
• take your time, we're in no hurry, take a breath
• nearly there, do this bit on your bum if you feel safer
• give me your left hand, brilliant! Well done! You made it!

It's also not the first/only time that I've seen him do this for my mum either.

Your husband is a twat, and you deserve someone who wants to help you regain your confidence and enjoy your holiday (although the way that he talks to you suggests that this marriage is miserable in many different ways). In the short term, try to get an instructor and make the most of the social side of skiing, when you get home, start divorce proceedings.