On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

She is only asking for an hour of his time to help her overcome her anxiety. A decent husband would be happy to do that at the very least! He’s abusive. Full stop.

This resonated with me as I'm on a ski holiday with a group right now. I'm an ok skier but DP always tells me to go down a tricky bit first just in case. And he never moans if I want to take my time. Nor do my nieces who are instructor level and a zillion times faster than me.

Your DH sounds very unkind. I'd be having a serious talk with him when I get home - his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you shouldn't have to live with it.

In fact if it didn't adversely affect your DD I'd book a flight home.

But where is her empathy towards many people in her group that propably paid a lot of money for the trip? Would you have guts to hold back a bunch of people just because of your limited skills? No, You would get lessons.
She behaves super selfish. Those friends must be so disappointed they can't do what they want because of her.

I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone pathetic, even someone I don’t like. Let alone someone I love. It’s nasty and unnecessary for something you can’t really help. (I’ve never skied but had a bad horse riding accident in the past so fully understand that loss of confidence is not something you can simply switch off!)
Go home early. Let him have fun explaining to his friends where you have gone.
Assuming you are sure the marriage is over (guessing this isn’t uncommon behaviour for him) then I would also be making use of the time to put an exit plan in place and be gone before he gets home.

I woukd also add that it's not good for your daughter to see you being treated like this. Even if she doesnt see it all, she will be aware of enough to make her unhappy too. I suspect there are some v deep seated issues with him but you're not the punch bag. Good luck

Why did you go skiing? I wouldn't have bothered - the bear miss you had would've been enough for me to decide it wasn't for me. I know people who've been paralysed skiing and others who have died. It doesnt require extra insurance for no reason, it's a dangerous sport.

But irrespective of asking why you agreed to do something tgat frightens you, your marriage was over a few years ago. It maybe shouldn't have even happened cos yoyr DH has zero respect or cares for you at all.

Good luck for the future. You deserve a supportive partner not an ogre for a husband.

Some people like a challenge. Perhaps the op didn't want to give up skiing.

Not sure questioning her motives for holiday choice is at all relevant.

OP look you know the rules groups ski at the pace of the worst skier. Your DH is an asshole.

It's why you needed to mix it up with private lessons in the morning with the best looking instructor then join the group in the afternoon when they can work at your pace.

You have wider issues here though, the fact he feels free to critique you but can't take it back. Red flag!! Needing to be liked, all charming to everyone, not nice to you. Red flag!!

So
hes allowed to abandon you, call you names and treat you like shit but the second you retaliate and tell him he’s being a prick he sulks and ignores you for days on end?!? Yeah he’s not a very nice person and this behaviour is a form of bullying…
How old is your daughter? Is she an adult? A teenager? I’m wondering why she isn’t spending time with you too?
and yes either get yourself a ski instructor to help with your confidence or get yourself booked into a day excursion somewhere.. do they do tours or anything? Or have somewhere you could go and just relax in a hot tub or spa?
I would go rogue and have myself a nice time doing exactly what I wanted to do… when you get home tell him yoU’ll be starting divorce proceedings

She’s not holding back the group though is she! Merely asked her husband to spend an hour with her helping her to regain her confidence after a previous ski accident has knocked her confidence! I don’t think that’s unreasonable to ask for some kindness from your husband on a holiday where you’re supposed to spend a bit of times together…. In fact I don’t think sje
should have to ask, he should be happy to spend a bit of time helping her before whizzing off with the others …

@Susan7654 quote one post of OP's where she expected anything from the friends or holding them back.

He’s an arse ☹️ so you aren’t able to keep up with everyone else in the group ..so what ?
There is no need for him to be so nasty and now giving you the silent treatment is worse .
I would arrange to do something nice for myself if I were you that doesn’t involve skiing .
Maybe not actually go home yet though as might be difficult to arrange

@Susan7654 THEY are not being held back. They are off skiing.

“I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day.”

He is abusive.

Wtf????

@Pinkyblue123 we haven't heard from you since the day of your OP.
Hope you're not frozen up a slope somewhere!

He sounds vile. Calling you pathetic for asking for help - your comment was spot on! Others clearly noticed he’s not a very nice person and that’s why he’s no longer in management! You (and your daughter) deserve better. Get rid asap. Maybe you can enjoy the rest of the hols knowing you have a plan to get away! 🙌

Sounds like he’s been a bit of a dick to be Frank. But sounds like one evening you two need sit away from others to thrash things out.

if you are with friends they should be supportive. I’d get a lesson or two from an instructor. Then might be possible to do some easier slopes before going back with them.

He needs to be more understanding. Ask him what he wants (re skiing) ask him how you two can get you there, and tell him in no uncertain term NO personal digs or criticism. A bit of respect.

The ski trip is one thing. He has behaved badly and could be more considerate and the insults aren’t on. What is the rest of your life like though. Is this the straw that broke the camels back? Do you feel this is representative of your life together? When thinking of the good things from your relationship and then the bad what does that look like.

Do tell me how she can make him be “more understanding?” The content of her first request was really quite straightforward “please spend some couple time with me. An hour in the morning would be nice.” Then she got a torrent of sbuse.

This is not a communication issue.

He sounds awful, completely narcissistic and to be honest, a wanker. You deserve better. No wonder he didn’t do well in a job - I’d hate a manager like him. That behaviour is to cover up insecurity but his psychological issues are not yours . Don’t let him bring you down, I’ve been that doormat and it’s a hard place to get out of

I hope the OP is chilling, having a back massage, manicure/pedicure, swimming in heated pools, reading funny books and spoiling herself while feeling super relaxed and enjoying things that she likes to do.

Staying for your daughter is the wrong thing to do. I stayed in a similar situation and waited until my children had left home and were settled before deciding to get divorced. My ex used everything he could to get them onside and it worked for a couple of years (one still nc). But my AC have said that although we never really argued etc in front of them they could see how bad things were and that we should have divorced years before. I think also, that my exmay have been slightly more "civil" in his dealings with divorce had we had to consider joint custody etc. We don't talk to each other at all now (his choice) and my one ac finds this very difficult and gets stressed about it. You deserve better and the longer you live like this the harder it is to leave and when/if you do the harder to find yourself again. Took me 4 years abd counselling to get over this type of behaviour but I am now happy, have a man who couldnt be more different from my ex and the ac that talk to me love him. Do what's best for you and it will be the best gir your daughter as well. Good luck

Please don’t tell me you’re still with him?

Yea he is a nasty prick and i certainly wouldn't want to be married to him.
Spend the week making plans to leave such a nasty abusive twat.

disrespectful prick get rid of sharpish will only get worse I know from personal experience .