On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

Your husband sounds awful and in your shoes I would be seriously wondering about ending the marriage if this is how he behaves. It sounds like he doesn’t like you at all.

On another note, I’m the only non-skier in a family of skiers. I tried for years but I don’t have the mentality for it. I envied those who could ski well but I was always so scared unless on a green run and always alone unless out on a private lesson. It just wasn’t fun. But walking is. So my family ski and I walk. We meet for lunch periodically. It works for us. More to the point, it works for me. But it sounds like you want to get your skiing mojo back and private lessons with a hot instructor could be perfect for that.

This. Come home and get lawyered. Nobody would speak to me like that, especially as he knows you had a bad fall.

His behaviour is appalling.

he sounds a bit shit frankly. But I’d also say teaching someone when you don’t want to doesn’t bring out the best in people.

he should’ve offered to get you some lessons and shouldn’t have been such a shit. I'd try and call a truce as now you’ve both said some shit things so try to salvage the holiday.

While he is off skiing I would be arranging a good lawyer and making sure I had access to all finances and his pension details. To be called ‘pathetic’ is appalling but your are treated like this and your daughter sees. I am sorry. This persons only has a role if they love you. Build a future full of love and fun.

I could have written this. The silent treatment, the lack of empathy, being able to give it out but not take it. Can be over big or trivial matters, such as bins or half my family being dead. DC noticing. Look up TED talks on Narcissism. It might chime. Good luck 💐

So .. several years ago I persuaded DH to come on a skiing holiday. Plan was he'd have lessons in the morning and we'd ski some dead easy bits together or do other stuff in the afternoon. He gave it a few days but turns out he hated it, hated the lifts, the skiing everything... Didn't mind the views or scenery just not the slopes!
But because I love him and I'm not a nasty uncaring arrsehole we worked to make the holiday about both of us. Nice meals out, other activities (I still skied a bit of an afternoon) and then a trip to a Euventus game (which frankly for him was the absolute highlight of the holiday!). But then I love and respect my DH and want him to be happy. Over the years he's been on holiday to places where I can dive (he doesn't), I've read books on days he's played golf (yawn) and we've also done lots of lovely things together and with the kids.
It really isn't about the skiing, it's about the quality of your relationship. He sounds like he is contemptuous of you which is awful and the silent treatment is appalling behaviour, controlling because it shuts you up and a terrible thing to model in front of children (do you want your daughter to think this is how relationships should be). Can you get some outside perspective see a therapist/psychologist?

She doesn't need lessons, she needs someone to ski slow with her to get her confidence back. Once you've learned to ski, you never unlearn it. I learned forty years ago and haven't skiied in 20. I know I could ski a red straight off right now though.

Normally we do, we spend lots of time together it seems to be when other people are around he can be funny with me, I would say he is usually more needy of my time than I am of his. This year we are with his pals from work, he wants to spend time with them (I was a bit nervous of him inviting them on our family holiday) but skiing is always like that for us we go in a big group of families which normally works out well for us. He seems more interested in hanging out with them than me.

OP book a private lesson, you’ll get your confidence back and the ski teacher will sort the route so you just follow and most people keep out of your way. If DH complains say it’s not safe to ski alone so you hired help!!!

He sounds awful. Disrespectful and mean. So he can say what he likes but if you say anything he’s so impacted he has to ignore you? I don’t think it’s normal for someone to be calling someone they are supposed to love ‘pathetic’ just because they find something difficult. I’m guessing this is not a one off. You need a clear and direct conversation at some point about how he has made you feel and if he won’t listen or doesn’t get it, you need to think about other options such as leaving. Honestly, life is just too short, and you don’t have to put up with shitty behaviour, you really don’t.

I don't think you should ski on your own. I've had some absolute offs that had I not been with someone, I would have been in serious trouble. One in particular, I would have died as I went off and landed in fresh powder on a frozen lake and couldn't move at all. Take care of yourself and divorce the pillock.

At least you know from his background that he is a nasty bastard to other people so it's not just you but they don't have to stay married to him.

Your dh is shit but so are the others. I couldn't leave someone out so I would suggest some alternative activities as well as skiing or I would just have tried to boost your confidence. They are selfish bastards all of them not caring about someone being excluded. But your DH is worst ofcourse. So sorry OP.

When you said you think your marriage is over, have you be thinking this a while?

Is there a back catalog of instances?

He sounds like a grade A bell end. No one who understands the point of family skiing in beautiful mountains would behave like this. We used to refer to these types of guys as single skiers when I worked in resorts and you can spot them a mile off…obsessed with what black runs they had done, what amazing tech they had, how many hours they had skiied for…tedious. There’s a reason most were on holiday on their own.

Leave him.

Aside from the fact that he’s a total wanker and you should think about ditching him when you get back..
could you book yourself into the adult ski school or get some private lessons each day for the rest of the holiday? Ski school is a really good way of skiing with other adults that are at your level and building up your confidence.

Regarding the skiing I would be frustrated as advanced at being held back as its expensive to go so defo go for lessons. But the way of speaking is not appropriate at all

I'm surprised at the number of people suggesting skiing lessons, as if that is the problem here.

The OP could be Chemmy Alcott but it wouldn't change the fact that her DH is a disrespectful, abusive nasty piece of work.

It's easy for us all to say LTB, but in real life it's not that easy.

Ducks should be counted and fed well, in preparation for getting them in a row when he behaves like this again when your back home.

OP, Remember you have a DC that will be witnessing this acrimony even if you think you're keeping it hidden. You don't want them thinking this is acceptable in a relationship.

I agree, although i would not take the DD home as she is having a good time. If i were to leave, it'd just be me going.

that said, i would say that the best thing to do would be to book an instructor to ski with you, then at least you have some change of getting your confidence back

The silent treatment? that is unforgivable. He has no right to retaliate like this, and it IS abusive. if this is his style, it's a massive red flag and you rethinking your entire relationship IS probably wise.

My OH can be tactless and - for want of a better word - aggressive about the capabilities of others when he thinks they have not done it properly. Trying to get him to see that this is not the way to treat people and he HAS to be more diplomatic as head of a business, but it has been difficult. It almost cost him control of his business, and i DO bring that up as a way of showing him to just bloody think before he opens his mouth. He uses superlatives that are way more than they need to be to get his point and it's all very negative.

But he NEVER gives me the silent treatment, he listens.

@Pinkyblue123 you do need to do some thinking, so book an instructor, get your groove back and use the time to enjoy the rest of your holiday and think about what you want your life to be from this point on.

Op is only asking her husband for one hour.

How frustrating is that?

He’s a prick.

Regardless of his argument style there is absolutely not a chance I would stay in resort and allow my daughter watch my husband blank me for days! It’s abusive behaviour and your daughter needs to know it is not acceptable.

I would tell him to buck his bloody ideas up or I’m going home, and really mean it!

To be honest, you both sound like you’re rooting deep to say things to hurt each other, it really does sound like it over.

Unfortunately, mumsnet is probably one of the worst places to ask for advice about conflict resolution.

Go and get an hours private instruction to build up your confidence with a professional.

Your husband sounds an arse but you also decided to kick him in the nuts regarding being management. That was a little spiteful.

I had a similar crisis of confidence this year on the slopes. My DH skied with me every day bar for one hour when he went off to the blacks I couldn't even contemplate, built my confidence back up, helped me with pole planting, parallel turns... I don't say this to make you feel bad but to illustrate that that's what a normal loving husband would do. Not berate you so you feel even worse. If he doesn't have your back when you're vulnerable, what's his point? I would genuinely be considering my future if I were you - particularly with your daughter witnessing all of this. He sounds a mean bully, giving it but not taking it. Sack him off!

@Guinessandafire - people are suggesting lessons (ideally with a hot instructor) as a means for OP to recover her confidence. Not because they think she can’t ski.

My DH is literally a former WC skier and I am a big scaredy cat on skis and he would never speak to me like that, he is always kind and considerate of my level (including because it's super dangerous to pressure someone like that) and I have to actively encourage him to go by himself and/or with better groups so he can have some faster skiing!

The silent treatment is a big red flag in a relationship, as is the turning the situation around to be the one "offended" and hurt by your comment when he has been behaving badly all week and pushing you to snap.

I do think you need to give some serious thought to this.

For the meantime, I agree with the others to see if you could get a few lessons, which will be nicer for you than on your own.