On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

You get one life op don't give it to someone that doesn't give a shit about you. Which I can assure you he doesn't. Enjoy your holiday regardless of him.

They are all great skiers, I would not want to ruin their holiday and it is not really their responsibility to ski with me. I would expect a little time from my husband. I usually have my friend when I come who is at same level as me and we have a wonderful time together.

I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him
Good for you. He deserved it.

As for the silent treatment, that would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. No-one would give me the silent treatment ever, so personally I would take your DD and get an early flight home. Then I’d move him out before he gets back. Tosser.

People who love you care about how you feel. They care about how you might react to their words or behaviour. Clearly, your DH neither loves nor cares about you at all.

You know what you have to do.

I think you nailed it about his character. Think seriously about this marriage- I suggest you tell him that if it’s still the silent treatment when you get home you’d rather he went somewhere else, and you talked to a counsellor about how to separate.

This sounds crap. Probably hard to have an objective conversation on holiday.

I am the kind to say - sod this. This is my holiday too and I won't let him bring me down. The silent treatment is to make you feel that you are in trouble etc.

Can you get down to the ski school office and book into advance lessons - atleast you won't be skiing alone and make some ski buddies at your abilities?

You are in the mountains... surrounded by beauty. Research some nice outings or walks and go off and enjoy yourself in your own way. Don't waste the lovely opportunity.

Have a wonderful time and show him that you will not be dominated by his wants and needs but that you have your own independence of thought and your own wishes. All the better if he is not talking to you ... you can just get on with what you want to do without discusdion..

Then when you get home take a long look at this marriage and this awful man and make plans for your future.

His behaviour is unspeakable and must be so embarrassing for your friends.

Take heart... make your plans so you do not ever have to endure this again.

I see people have given you skiing advice but this isn’t about the skiing at all. Have you thought about the practicalities of getting divorced? Finances, house, etc? If you are really thinking it, now would be a good time to start considering all of these things and prepare yourself. Even if you are not planning on leaving him today, I would be preparing myself for a future divorce scenario. His attitude towards you is unforgivable and life is too short to be spent with a wanker who doesn’t respect you. Consider also that you are also teaching your daughter that someone behaving like this with her is normal. Get your things in order so if you do decide to leave him one day you have options.

He sounds unkind and is behaving awfully. Are you actually enjoying skiing? My DH is a proficient skier. I tried it a few times and absolutely hated it. I decided not to continue. Holidays should be fun, not stressful and frightening. We continued to have skiing holidays but I would stay in the lodge, read a book, and sometimes go cross country skiing, which I did enjoy. I enjoyed the scenery, the apres ski but not tye skiing.
If you're not enjoying it, just stop.

This.

I had this epiphany recently and decided that I couldn't live the rest of my life the same way I'd been living.

It's hard to accept that the man you thought was your life partner, the man you thought loved you for you, that you'd be with till you died, actually doesn't even like you very much, let alone love you. But honestly, would you treat someone you liked in the same way as he is treating you?

Do you really want to model to your DD that this behaviour is what a wife puts up with in a marriage?

I'm sorry, it's really hard, but I think you need to be honest with yourself 💐

he is just hanging everything on the fact I brought up his career failings in an argument, so it is all my fault. He is very sensitive to criticism (despite freely dishing out to others) I know his silent treatment will continue

Well, that's his fault. Tell him that he was so cruel to you that he deserves anything you said in return. His comments were much worse than yours were!

why does he get to dish out criticism the whole time, yet you can't say how you feel?

He's supposed to love you above all others, and this is how he treats you? He doesn't even sound as if he likes you.

And the silent treatment is abuse.

I'd be done, and I'd tell him so. He should be embarrassed to act like that in front of all your friends. You deserve so much more.

The thing is when you’re in a loving relationship it is about spending time with that person no matter what. If me and my Dh were in this situation he would WANT to spend the hour with me. We would have a laugh together and it would be seen as some ‘our time’.

It’s not the your sking that is the issue.

OP - do you and your DH enjoy just hanging out together? If not then you are in trouble

Dump the skiing ( sounds like a performance holiday for your husband)
Spa available?
Pool?
Interesting town you can visit?
Get out on your own and do what you want to do. See a solicitor when you get home. He sounds like a waste of energy, abusive and nasty.

And you're right. He'd be a shit manager!

Skiing definitely seems to bring out the worst in people, I ended up opting out of actually skiing due to being told to hurry up (understatement) by my exh. Wasn't the cause of our divorce but was the turning point if I think back, dd (after we split years later) said why didn't I leave him then!!

I’m so sorry he feels this is the correct way to behave, it’s not cool at all. Is he like this generally? Do you feel that he’s disrespectful towards you on a regular basis? If so, then you need to have a frank conversation about it, it’s no way to live and you deserve better.

On the skiing front, I stopped going a few years back, my husband has a few days once a year with our two sons as they are all fabulous at it, black run skiers to my pootling blue runs! When I did still go, they used to do their thing in the morning and then we’d meet for lunch, do a few runs with me, and then I’d head back to the hotel for a swim/sauna and they’d carry on. It’s very unusual for all the skiers in a group to be of the same ability.

This is not a man who loves and respects you. If your DD is aware of his behaviour then you owe it to her to show her that a woman need not put up with such behaviour in today's world. Call quits on the relationship and allow her to grow up in a home where you're not being abused and she's not having to witness such awful behaviour from a man.

The other people in your group will have noticed what a shit he’s being to you, even if they don’t say anything.
I often take some time out e.g if the weather is bad so that I don’t hold back the rest of the group.
But I think the forecast this week is for glorious sunshine in the apls.

I agree with others. See if you can join a ski school group. I know you can ski, but you will have some company and a laugh and maybe get your confidence back.

My marriage ended as each time XH was horrible l to lost my love and even like a bit each time - death by a 1000 cuts.

He left me for OW... and l very happily waved him Goodbye!

He is being horrible OP and I don’t blame you for mentioning his failure as a manager. If you want to try and save the marriage ask him to get some therapy. He sounds angry and scared and needs to manage his feelings without attacking you.

Silent treatment is his punishment of you - same with my ex could go on for days then he acts like its all ok again. When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, that was one of the reasons I gave him. I said that I couldn't see a future with someone who won't talk to me if he thinks I have done or said something wrong but go on with the daily routine seemingly for the children so they don't see mum & dad arguing. My DS said when I told him I wanted a divorce that we never argued, and that is more damaging than seeing your parent disagree and then work it out like adults. When I used to ask, so are you going to talk to me? he would say, but you arent talking to me (childish) Whatever you do, don't apologise for what you said, the truth hurts.

Oh OP! Your husband sounds like he is a wanker.
Book yourself some sessions with a hot, fit instructor and recoup control of your holiday. Please don’t let him ruin your break, deal with him when you’re back. Park it to the back of your mind xx

This is horrible. Your husband does not behave as if he loves you and he is emotionally abusive. You are right to be thinking very hard about your future with him. If you can’t come home early, opt out of the skiing and find nice things to do instead; either way, reflect on your marriage. Talking to a divorce lawyer may be the best way ahead.

I second the suggestion of talking to a divorce lawyer, even if it is just to look at options.