On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

Sounds like a bit of a narcissist to me,
Street Angel hearth devil,
that’s not what love looks like , guessing there’s other stuff he does to put you down and not support you if he doesn’t change his behaviour you need to seriously rethink your marriage to this guy

I would spend the week googling divorce lawyers and maybe emailing a few to find out how to divorce this scumbag. It’s very damaging for your DD to see her father treat her mother with such disrespect and unkindness. The only way to ensure that she doesn’t repeat the behaviour is to leave this marriage.

According to research the 4 main predictors of divorce are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You've mentioned a lot of this in just a short post.
You deserve at the very least to be respected even if he can't support you.
May be worth having a tough conversation about what you need for a relationship and rethinking your life if he can't give that to you and vice versa.
Sending love though as these things are VERY hard to go through.

Take this time to write a list of things you like about him and a list of those times or things he does that hurt you or you don’t like. See which list is bigger and which things matter most.

it took my mum 15 years to leave my step dad who was similarly awful to her - told her he was grossed out by her after birth of my sister and wouldn’t sleep with her for over a year, long periods of silent treatment, lack of respect etc. her life became so much brighter when she left.

I’d be arranging an early flight home and making an appointment with a divorce lawyer. He sounds like an abusive bully.

💯

Your husband sounds like a total arse. If you fancy having a nice day skiing have you tried getting a local ski guide? I also have had my confidence shaken so I booked a local guide who took me to quieter slopes and some lovely places to eat and drink for the day and I thoroughly enjoyed not having the pressure of keeping up with everyone else. Just might help you enjoy the holiday and give you a bit of a break from it all?

I’d be indulging in the apres ski and enjoying the off piste activities. Once home I would be planning for my future without him.

This is really not what you deserve but perhaps your marriage needs to be over so you don't have to put up with such awful treatment. Take care.

This. Life is so short OP. It really is. Why waste it with someone miserable, selfish and spiteful, who sulks like a baby when someone criticises him? He sounds like a spoiled brat. Yuk.

I once heard a therapist say that she'd helped numerous women over the years (and men) who were trapped in crappy marriages but either too frightened or too unmotivated to leave. She said those who did all wished they'd done it earlier. In her entire career she never met anyone who divorced their partner and then regretted it. I suppose it happens, but most people get a new lease of life. Look at it this way – do you want to be 75 and sat in a bungalow day in day out with this nasty little man baby?

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This sounds so toxic.

OP, I don’t know a damn thing about skiing, not my cup of tea. What I DO know about is a narc-hole “husband” treating his wife with contempt - been there, got the t-shirt and the divorce.

Regardless of the skiing scenario, this man is verbally berating you, looking down on you, treating you like shit and is now stonewalling you. What an utter delight he is.

Sounds like an emotionally abusive bellend with a fragile ego, who likes to dish it out but can’t take it when you speak the truth.

I won’t bang on - although I could, at great length - about how you deserve better and the impact his behaviour will be having on DC. You don’t come across as daft, time to save yourself and DC from this rotten marriage.

Exactly this. A kind (and possibly cute) ski instructor to help you rebuild your confidence

If that’s what you think, you know where the door is, sorry hun, face it it’s over. Good luck, I have been there, time to get out. X

Perhaps when it gets to the stage of him ignoring you, you can 'pretend' like it does not upset you that much by doing something, or anything else and making no fuss at that point.

Making plans and being in other people's company can help. I know you're on holiday and that is difficult but perhaps you can go off happily enough to read or sit and get a coffee, etc. That takes away that power and control that they believe they have and it gives it to you. You might start getting some patience and respect back along with it, as they start to feel insecure at the thought of your newfound independence and security, knowing that you refuse to be manipulated by their silence.

What an utter twat ! I’ve literally just got back from a ski holiday after 12 years of not skiing! Me,
my partner and 4 year old and 23 year old who I haven’t seen for 2 years as he’s been travelling! Completely lost my confidence! First day went out with my eldest and he was off and couldn’t understand what was wrong with me as I was crying down a green run! (when he was 10 we were doing black runs together! ) Second day I booked a 3 hour private lesson which helped loads ! Still slow though and on Friday literallly cried when my 23 year old snowboarding son ( who clipped his board on like riding a bike!) took me high up and all I saw were red runs! Luckily there was a blue down but the first part was mogals and I hated it! You need support if he isn’t going to do that I’d book lessons and spend some time with people who will help you !

If I were you in this situation I would go and hire a private instructor and do my own thing. You might regain your confidence and be better than grumpy hubs by the time you go home!

Gosh, I am so sorry you're having to deal with that op. You are worth more; he sounds awful, and critical. Your partner should build you up and support you, not tear you down.

I would fly home too, unless he is willing to sit down and have a grown up conversation instead of sulking like a petulant child, (which is what he is doing). If he is usually like this, and it is repeated than I would be thinking of next steps to leave him. If it is a one off, than a conversation is to be had as to why he is behaving this way.

Early flight home, consult a solicitor about divorce proceedings. Your husband neither cares about you nor likes you very much

This sounds horrible for everyone, surely the other people are going to notice if he's blanking you?!

It's not a question of the counsellor criticising his poor communication style - it's about suggesting different ways of behaving to get a better outcome for both of them. It may be that counselling could raise the man's self awareness. Stonewalling is sometimes because the person has never learnt good conflict management.

He was mean and then you were mean - you knew where it hurt most. Doesn’t sound nice for either of you. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It does sound like it could be over or needs lots of work.

The people you are skiing with must be regretting it. Sounds really awkward. Is the holiday at least retrievable?

Don't leave unless you are happy to escalate things OP
Just do what YOU want on your holiday - yes, have lessons with a young and sexy instructor if you'd like, or spa and long lunch etc.
My childish DH has spoilt more than one holiday too. Leave him to do his own thing and you do yours.

He’s verbally abusing you and I’m shocked that the thing that’s bothering you is that he’s not spending an hour with you - do you really want the company of someone so unkind?!

Why do you accept being spoken to like that? How is that ever acceptable in a relationship?Would you want you daughter spoken to like that from her husband?

Hes a nasty bully and you’d be better off telling him to go where the sun doesn’t shine. Don’t waste your good years chasing a nasty little man like him.