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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

428 replies

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 06:42

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

OP posts:
BruFord · 20/02/2025 20:51

@SirRaymondClench We’re on the same page with skiing…I once had to be rescued by the ski instructor during a group lesson as I was too scared to ski down an easy slope with the others…made a real fool of myself! 😂.

Wibblywobblyses · 20/02/2025 20:51

Sounds like you touched a nerve with the comment, which probably means that was exactly what his management style was like.
if it was me, I would think ‘sod this difficult skiing… not my bag’ then I would choose to be independent and find joy doing what I liked leaving them to go down black runs and do their macho crap. In the meantime, I would value a great trip away and enjoy the easier bunny runs, or chilling out in a swimming pool, or reading, or walking ,or ice skating and seeing them in the evening.

Mere1 · 20/02/2025 20:55

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 06:42

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

I would book one or two private lessons. Or never going skiing again, spending the rest of this holiday in spas and bars.

Househunter2025 · 20/02/2025 20:58

Never2many · 19/02/2025 07:51

I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him
Good for you. He deserved it.

As for the silent treatment, that would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. No-one would give me the silent treatment ever, so personally I would take your DD and get an early flight home. Then I’d move him out before he gets back. Tosser.

Why should daughter and OP lose out on their holiday? The husband is the one who should be going home early

Londonrach1 · 20/02/2025 21:02

That's shocking...I can't imagine dh ever doing that...he a walker and had planned a lovely walk which he wanted to do for a few months..but my period started and I said I wasn't up for a walk ..we went to a coffee shop for cake instead...he said we can do the walk another time ..over ten years later I can't remember the walk but remember the cake.... Tbh op I'd be setting in with a book and booking my flight home with dc.

TheOnionEyes · 20/02/2025 21:07

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 20/02/2025 20:24

You husband is an arsehole. His behavior needs to be addressed.

Although I sympathise with you, I do think you are unreasonable to expect your husband to stay with you on a group skiing holiday when there is such a disparity in your skiing ability. Book skiing lessons, and build confidence at your own speed.

The OP did say: "This year we are with his pals from work, he wants to spend time with them (I was a bit nervous of him inviting them on our family holiday)" and "He seems more interested in hanging out with them than me."

So, I don't think it was totally unreasonable for her to expect her husband to give her some, or more time.

DeadSpace3 · 20/02/2025 21:11

Time to head for legal advice & kick him out TBH.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 20/02/2025 21:22

You are both being unfair.
YABU to expect your husband to slow down /stay with you. You’re better off booking a few lessons to regain your confidence, or choosing other activities. Let the others get on with skiing at their ability. The skiing possibilities for them are limited to this week, so give them a chance to fully use the time.
However, your husband is BU for his angry behaviour. He sounds vile and abusive.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

pikkumyy77 · 20/02/2025 21:28

I had no idea the sacred, near divine, status accorded to the good skier on a ski holiday. Absolutely all pretense of love and family togetherness should yield to the husband’s untrammeled gyrations on the slopes. It is incumbent on the OP to ratchet back her expectations of even an hour in ber husband’s company.

PeachyCalm · 20/02/2025 22:04

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 08:13

Normally we do, we spend lots of time together it seems to be when other people are around he can be funny with me, I would say he is usually more needy of my time than I am of his. This year we are with his pals from work, he wants to spend time with them (I was a bit nervous of him inviting them on our family holiday) but skiing is always like that for us we go in a big group of families which normally works out well for us. He seems more interested in hanging out with them than me.

Sounds like he’s trying to project some image (ie show off) to his work pals and he’s embarrassed by you.
What a catch. I think you know it’s Time to throw him back

Wibbley97 · 20/02/2025 22:04

My mum stayed with my dad, who is like this. Can dish out frankly cruel comments and treatment to people he is supposed to love, but is incredibly thin skinned and immediately becomes the victim when anyone says anything at all negative to him. I hold a great deal of anger towards my mother for staying with my father, enabling his behaviour, and putting me through a childhood spent treading on eggshells and watching my mother do the same. I have empathy for them both, my father is very damaged and has some wonderful qualities, but I profoundly wish my mum had left him and protected me. Your daughter is watching this, and it is shaping her view of relationships, and neither you nor she deserve this. Sometimes I think mumsnet just jumps to LTB, but what you describe - cruelty where there should be love and support, claiming victim status when they should be taking responsibility, and silent treatment to punish you and wear you down - is grim to live with. I’m sorry you find yourself in this position OP and wish you the strength to extract yourself.

Khayker · 20/02/2025 22:08

Why are you worried about hurting his feelings, he's obviously not worried about hurting yours. I would enjoy the peace of him not berating you for the time being. He probably is the way he is because too many people worry about his feelinga. He's a manchild, let him stew in his own juice for a while and when he gets off his high horse, calmly tell him how you want this to work out, whatever that is. You've got more patience than me. Hope it works out for you whatever you decide

StrikeAlways · 20/02/2025 22:09

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2025 06:46

I’d be looking at early flights home

This 👆 I would explain to your daughter that due to your fall a few years ago, you are really not enjoying being there, so you are going to fly home and leave her to have a lovely time with Dad. The get yourself home. Enjoy some relaxation and decide if you want to continue to live with this arsehole.

I’m so sorry you are having a rotten time because he is so nasty. Partners should support each other. I lost my confidence swimming after I got caught in a wave. Even in the shallow end of a swimming pool, I couldn’t bring myself to swim. My husband walked backwards in front of me until I gained enough confidence to swim independently again. That is how people should treat each other in a loving relationship. If your relationship doesn’t feel loving, it shouldn’t be your future 💐

KP75 · 20/02/2025 22:21

Not a healthy dynamic. It sounds like you have communication issues. Your husband may not have understood why you used to be ok on the slopes and now you’re not. Maybe he thinks somehow you are holding back on purpose and is angry about that? He did not show empathy toward you or communicate in a mature way with you.
He was obviously hurt by your manager dig, but doesn’t communicate that in a mature way either. Instead he gives you the cold shoulder. Is such immature behavior and attitude are normal for him? If so, that’s probably deeply ingrained.
Your dig was not nice either, but you were clearly very upset and provoked.
Still, the mature thing to do, once you cool down, would be to talk it out. You could express regret for being hurtful to him while explaining your feelings about the whole situation. See if he can show some empathy. Maybe this might even help you to fix some underlying longstanding issues!
Couples can bicker and say things they shouldn’t at times and still patch things up. However, mutual respect and open communication are the bedrock of a healthy relationship. As is maturity. If his current attitude is typical for him and he is incapable of showing more maturity than this, then it may be time to think about ending it. Meanwhile, marriage counseling might help.
For now, be your own best friend on this trip. Try to enjoy yourself as best you can. I’d not advise storming off, especially as your DD would also be affected. Separation is a serious decision which shouldn’t be made in haste if possible.

ritasuebobtoo · 20/02/2025 22:27

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 09:05

No they have not seen any of it, he is charming with them. They have seen the pace I ski at so can form their own conclusions. The other couple we are with know what is like but love him so don’t say anything

How are you getting on OP?

naw131 · 20/02/2025 22:32

he's regarding you with contempt so i'm sorry to say it's just a matter of time..... i'd make sure i've got my finances in order and create an escape plan when i get back.......he doesn't respect you and i think it's mutual.....the longer you stay, the more toxic the end will be........blindside him.

ladygoingGaga · 20/02/2025 22:32

I am sorry OP, it is hard to admit that your DP is abusive, but it sounds like that you are at that stage. Your description of how little he cares about you just saddens me.
Hold on tight, get support around you, quietly think about your options, secure information or copies of anything you may need. He is abusive, he will not change.

Tahlbias · 20/02/2025 22:36

Why are you still married to him?

SexAndCakes · 20/02/2025 22:42

This doesn't seem to have much to do with skiing. The way he talks to you is awful. That's the bigger issue.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 20/02/2025 22:56

Why would you ask him to spend time with you if he has other people to ski with? Why can’t you ski on your own or just enjoy downtime in the hotel? He is not understanding but you should show him you are independent and you let him enjoy himself without worrying about you. Both of you are unreasonable in a way.

ThenUm · 20/02/2025 23:04

So your nervous feelings, your desire to have company on holiday and your hurt and loneliness are to be belittled, ignored and mocked. His hurt feelings about a true an unkind comment are to be taken seriously and he is allowed to be emotionally abusive as a punishment/manipulation?

Start familiarising yourself with Lundy Bancroft’ Mr Sensituve type and listen to Dr Ramani on you tube.

Reassess thoroughly. You deserve better. How would you treat a friend in this situation? How would he treat a friend in this situation? Would you want your daughter or son treated like this in their marriage?

Sorry OP but he is vile IMHO.

Get yourself a good book, sack off the skiing and lounge around in the hot tub/bar/lounge.

ThenUm · 20/02/2025 23:06

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 20/02/2025 22:56

Why would you ask him to spend time with you if he has other people to ski with? Why can’t you ski on your own or just enjoy downtime in the hotel? He is not understanding but you should show him you are independent and you let him enjoy himself without worrying about you. Both of you are unreasonable in a way.

Why go on holiday together at all then? Why be in a marriage if you don’t support each other. This man is MOCKING her. He is abusive.

ThenUm · 20/02/2025 23:10

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 20/02/2025 21:22

You are both being unfair.
YABU to expect your husband to slow down /stay with you. You’re better off booking a few lessons to regain your confidence, or choosing other activities. Let the others get on with skiing at their ability. The skiing possibilities for them are limited to this week, so give them a chance to fully use the time.
However, your husband is BU for his angry behaviour. He sounds vile and abusive.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

NO. She is being abused. He is mocking her and insulting her despite her saying she is nervous and asking for help. When she finally reacts and says one mean thing back he sulks and gives her the silent treatment. He is not a nice man. There is no equivalence in their behaviour.

Witknit · 20/02/2025 23:11

Nothing to do with skiing.
This is about lack of empathy and lack of care at best and abuse at worst.
I'd show him up by explaining in simple terms in front of his friends why you are leaving early.
This sounds like a snap shot of your life brought into sharp focus. Imagine what it'll be like for the rest of your life, once your child is grown and it's just you and him.
Imagine when you're older, will you feel cherished and cared for as you deserve?
Your response was measured and imo far too gentle.
He doesn't care. He doesn't love you (sorry) Cut your losses. I know it'll be really hard but start the rest of your lovely life now.
Even if it's only by relishing his silence while you take the opportunity to plan

KM123456 · 20/02/2025 23:55

Both of you sound a bit childish and needy and have good points. I grew up in a ski environment, was hit twice and thrown down the hill by out if control skiers, and ended up with a fear of heights. At the same time, I also know how frustrating it can be to be to be held back when you want to push ahead: on a bike, a hike, in a sailboat or on a ski hill.
Why don't you let him do his own thing? Say a cheerful goodbye to him and your daughter in the morning, and sign up for ski lessons by yourself or in a group? No pressure about holding someone back, but improving your confidence and skill at your own pace. Then meet everyone for drinks and dinner at the end of the day. And you will have socialized and met new people.