Page 16 | On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

Pinkyblue123 · 2025-02-19T06:42:53+00:00

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

TessTimoney · 21/02/2025 00:04

This! He is selfish and nasty. You deserve to be loved not despised by a narcissistic prick!

IDoWaffleOnABit · 21/02/2025 00:05

I think I'd call your hubby out in front of your friends. Say that you are really sorry that you are holding everyone back due to your lack of confidence and rather than spoil their holiday you will stay at the accommodation, go shopping etc. and meet up with everyone for an evening meal. I'm willing to bet most will say something along the lines of "don't be daft, what makes you think that" then say your hubby has told you that they have told him so. Good luck

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 00:28

KM123456 · 20/02/2025 23:55

Both of you sound a bit childish and needy and have good points. I grew up in a ski environment, was hit twice and thrown down the hill by out if control skiers, and ended up with a fear of heights. At the same time, I also know how frustrating it can be to be to be held back when you want to push ahead: on a bike, a hike, in a sailboat or on a ski hill.
Why don't you let him do his own thing? Say a cheerful goodbye to him and your daughter in the morning, and sign up for ski lessons by yourself or in a group? No pressure about holding someone back, but improving your confidence and skill at your own pace. Then meet everyone for drinks and dinner at the end of the day. And you will have socialized and met new people.

Nastiness is now childish and needy? Gosh. Low bar there.

The op wanted maybe an hour of his time. That's all.

Fluffydolittle · 21/02/2025 00:44

You’re likely in the end stages of an npd relationship. He is heavily devaluing you and your relationship is very emotionally abusive. I don’t think you’re aware how abusive yet because you seem to be unaware

Even the silent treatments are telling of npd and they are a favourite method of abuse. Go and learn all you can about narcissistic personality disorder

Susan7654 · 21/02/2025 00:49

If the whole group can't enjoy skiing because of you - it's a bit of a downer. Get some lessons and be empathetic towards them as they came to have fun not to be held back by you.

Thisshirtisonfire · 21/02/2025 01:06

Life's too short for this.
Leave him. Start making plans. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? What would you tell your daughter if a man spoke to her like that?

Thisshirtisonfire · 21/02/2025 01:09

Susan7654 · 21/02/2025 00:49

If the whole group can't enjoy skiing because of you - it's a bit of a downer. Get some lessons and be empathetic towards them as they came to have fun not to be held back by you.

I'm sorry but wtf???
He's shouted at her and called her pathetic?? There's no amount of empathy in the world that can cover that. To act like that towards someone because they aren't as confident at skiing as you is beyond demented.
Your comment might be valid if this man had tutted under his breath at one point or something and that was it.... but you can't honestly believe his behaviour here is justified in any way??

Devianinc · 21/02/2025 01:13

He just sounds nasty. Why try, he isn’t.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/02/2025 01:26

Is his behaviour that of a normal loving partner? NO.

Did you earn that behaviour? NO.

For this holiday - you can accept his silence and your lonliness - or you can decide to enjoy your time. (I'd say that as life and health are short - you should not waste a holiday feeling down.)

What would you enjoy (I don't mean 'what can you put up with')?
Being alone on the slopes sounds less than fun.
What would be fun?
As suggested above - perhaps you could join a class with an instructor you like the look of or even get a PT for a few hours and be treated well!
Ditch the skis and go apre-sking with others you like the look of. Find new friends and reasons to laugh for a while.

Do not be a silent sufferer just to keep the peace. (It would be a poor example for your DC.)

For now, be active in not caring about his silence. It is abuse but you really do have the power here. It only works when you let it.
See his little strategy for what it is. He is being a toddler - this is a tantrum.
He is not as innocent as a toddler - and intends to make your softer feelings work against you. Be tough - or act it. Use your power and ignore his efforts to throw you.

StrikeAlways · 21/02/2025 01:35

KM123456 · 20/02/2025 23:55

Both of you sound a bit childish and needy and have good points. I grew up in a ski environment, was hit twice and thrown down the hill by out if control skiers, and ended up with a fear of heights. At the same time, I also know how frustrating it can be to be to be held back when you want to push ahead: on a bike, a hike, in a sailboat or on a ski hill.
Why don't you let him do his own thing? Say a cheerful goodbye to him and your daughter in the morning, and sign up for ski lessons by yourself or in a group? No pressure about holding someone back, but improving your confidence and skill at your own pace. Then meet everyone for drinks and dinner at the end of the day. And you will have socialized and met new people.

She only asked him to ski with her for an hour to help her get back into it 🙄 If you think that’s too demanding YABU!

Ger1atricMillennial · 21/02/2025 01:54

Your "D"H is not exactly helping, but we don't know if this is a dynamic in your relationship i.e. you aren't very good at helping yourself and rely on him alot, or if he is a straight up hole.

But... its your holiday too and there are several things suggested that could help.

Have a strop about being the shit skier in the group and always being left behind, and made to feel like a burden.
Hire a ski instructor and have a cry to them about your loss of confidence.
Get lessons as early as your can to build your confidence back up.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2025 02:33

The rest of the party are probably cringing with embarrassment at his horrible behaviour.

Is there anything nice you could do on your own at the resort every day while wishing for an avalanche that would swallow your husband he's on the slopes showing off to the others?

Make the most of the days you have left on holiday, and when you go home, find a solicitor.

He richly deserved the insult you shot back at him, and he clearly learned nothing from the setback in his career. He won't learn anything from being divorced either, but that won't be your problem to deal with

mathanxiety · 21/02/2025 02:44

Susan7654 · 21/02/2025 00:49

If the whole group can't enjoy skiing because of you - it's a bit of a downer. Get some lessons and be empathetic towards them as they came to have fun not to be held back by you.

I'm sure the whole group has noticed his treatment of his wife and are feeling the tension in the atmosphere.

I guarantee his colleagues are talking behind his back about his behaviour and fast losing respect for him. They're not having fun, and it's not because of the OP's slow skiing.

soberfabulous · 21/02/2025 05:36

TokyoSushi · 19/02/2025 06:54

He sounds appalling, really mean and nasty.

I'm also on a ski holiday, I skied for an hour on our first holiday five years ago, absolutely hated it and have never skied again! Nobody gave me any grief.

I now spend my days having a lie in, and then meeting my family at various bars/restaurants for lunch, my afternoons are spent lying in those deckchairs you see in the sun reading a good book while DH and the DC pop back to me for the occasional drink.

Unless you really want to ski, I'd sack it off, spend the day relaxing instead. If you're in Morzine, you can come and sit with me!

absolutely love this! i also tried skiing in morzine many years ago, hated it, and spent the rest of the holiday doing exactly what you are - it was glorious once i'd stopped skiing! OP your husband sounds horrible, i'm sorry you are going through this.

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 06:43

KM123456 · 20/02/2025 23:55

Both of you sound a bit childish and needy and have good points. I grew up in a ski environment, was hit twice and thrown down the hill by out if control skiers, and ended up with a fear of heights. At the same time, I also know how frustrating it can be to be to be held back when you want to push ahead: on a bike, a hike, in a sailboat or on a ski hill.
Why don't you let him do his own thing? Say a cheerful goodbye to him and your daughter in the morning, and sign up for ski lessons by yourself or in a group? No pressure about holding someone back, but improving your confidence and skill at your own pace. Then meet everyone for drinks and dinner at the end of the day. And you will have socialized and met new people.

Would you call someone you are supposed to love pathetic if you were held back?

You are missing the very glaring key issue here. Her husband is verbally abusing her. He called her pathetic and shouted at her yet can manage himself in company.

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 06:45

Ger1atricMillennial · 21/02/2025 01:54

Your "D"H is not exactly helping, but we don't know if this is a dynamic in your relationship i.e. you aren't very good at helping yourself and rely on him alot, or if he is a straight up hole.

But... its your holiday too and there are several things suggested that could help.

Have a strop about being the shit skier in the group and always being left behind, and made to feel like a burden.
Hire a ski instructor and have a cry to them about your loss of confidence.
Get lessons as early as your can to build your confidence back up.

There is NO excuse for calling someone pathetic and shouting at them and then giving them the silent treatment when they finally have a pop back.

OldMam · 21/02/2025 06:45

The silent treatment is now recognised as abuse.

Whyherewego · 21/02/2025 06:49

Omg I've been skiing for 30 years and never have i seen anyone behave as horribly as your husband. That's just appalling. If he's so good he should be helping by coaching or giving you a track to follow. I agree lessons would really help if you've lost your nerve.
And you were quite right to say what you said. He can't take it but can dole it out? Awful

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 06:49

Susan7654 · 21/02/2025 00:49

If the whole group can't enjoy skiing because of you - it's a bit of a downer. Get some lessons and be empathetic towards them as they came to have fun not to be held back by you.

The whole group IS off enjoying skiing and she isn’t asking them not to. She’s asking her husband the following;

To firstly stop being verbally abusive (calling her pathetic and shouting at her)
To help her overcome her very normal and understandable anxiety so she can ski with them.
To just do this for an hour with her.

He is abusive. Unempathic. Cold. And is now giving her the silent treatment because she finally was driven to retaliate. His feelings count. Hers don’t.

Don’t gaslight her. He is the problem here from the bit of information we have.

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 06:50

Whyherewego · 21/02/2025 06:49

Omg I've been skiing for 30 years and never have i seen anyone behave as horribly as your husband. That's just appalling. If he's so good he should be helping by coaching or giving you a track to follow. I agree lessons would really help if you've lost your nerve.
And you were quite right to say what you said. He can't take it but can dole it out? Awful

Agree. At the very least he shouldn’t be trying to shame her and being verbally abusive even if he’s not going to help.

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 06:54

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/02/2025 01:26

Is his behaviour that of a normal loving partner? NO.

Did you earn that behaviour? NO.

For this holiday - you can accept his silence and your lonliness - or you can decide to enjoy your time. (I'd say that as life and health are short - you should not waste a holiday feeling down.)

What would you enjoy (I don't mean 'what can you put up with')?
Being alone on the slopes sounds less than fun.
What would be fun?
As suggested above - perhaps you could join a class with an instructor you like the look of or even get a PT for a few hours and be treated well!
Ditch the skis and go apre-sking with others you like the look of. Find new friends and reasons to laugh for a while.

Do not be a silent sufferer just to keep the peace. (It would be a poor example for your DC.)

For now, be active in not caring about his silence. It is abuse but you really do have the power here. It only works when you let it.
See his little strategy for what it is. He is being a toddler - this is a tantrum.
He is not as innocent as a toddler - and intends to make your softer feelings work against you. Be tough - or act it. Use your power and ignore his efforts to throw you.

Excellent advice. I’m loving the image I now have of the DH coming back to see her laughing with a group of people and having a fab time and how his narcissistic abusive face falls because he’s lost his power over her.

SirRaymondClench · 21/02/2025 07:17

BruFord · 20/02/2025 20:51

@SirRaymondClench We’re on the same page with skiing…I once had to be rescued by the ski instructor during a group lesson as I was too scared to ski down an easy slope with the others…made a real fool of myself! 😂.

If I ever book a skiing holiday I will be in touch|! We can make fools of ourselves together! 😂

Itsseweasy · 21/02/2025 07:18

Huge red flags for narcissism here:
Can’t take criticism
Expects you to excel and drops you when you don’t
Lack of empathy
Can be needy
Abusive silent treatment

I have no advice as I’ve been in your shoes and in my experience they don’t/can’t change, but sending support and sympathy for the crappy ski trip 🩷

ThenUm · 21/02/2025 07:20

Itsseweasy · 21/02/2025 07:18

Huge red flags for narcissism here:
Can’t take criticism
Expects you to excel and drops you when you don’t
Lack of empathy
Can be needy
Abusive silent treatment

I have no advice as I’ve been in your shoes and in my experience they don’t/can’t change, but sending support and sympathy for the crappy ski trip 🩷

100% agree. Sorry OP.

Mere1 · 21/02/2025 07:26

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 20/02/2025 21:22

You are both being unfair.
YABU to expect your husband to slow down /stay with you. You’re better off booking a few lessons to regain your confidence, or choosing other activities. Let the others get on with skiing at their ability. The skiing possibilities for them are limited to this week, so give them a chance to fully use the time.
However, your husband is BU for his angry behaviour. He sounds vile and abusive.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

This is a reasonable response.