Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

Adding to my comment it’s a lot to expect your mum to have DD 4 days a week. I would look at nursery or childminder for 2 of these days.

I think both grandmothers are underestimating just how tiring they will find multiple days of baby care on top of their own jobs. It’s unrealistic that they can cover the 5 days between them. It’s lovely that they want to be involved and help you out though. You have made it very clear that the offer is coming from them so don’t deserve any flack for that. I was very happy to help my DC also.

MIL is being unreasonable in wanting to have the baby on either of your days off. I would say the same if it was your own mother. It isn’t a question of equal time, as if in competition with the other grandmother. She will still have a great relationship with her GC with one day a week. Maybe she needs some reassurance about this.
If you were to change your day off to Wednesday then I wonder if you are concerned that your DH would be handing baby over to his mother on Tuesday?
Family childcare can work well but it is quite a stretch over full time hours. I hope you can work something out to get going with. Then it can be reviewed to see how well it is working out for everyone.

I'm getting a little confused, you say mil has her on a Tuesday now and also works most Tuesdays .

Also your DH has to have sat and Tue and you have to work Sunday. Does your DH work Tuesday now or will this be a new thing.

It’s confusing so she normally has Sunday - Tuesday off work however can basically work any of these days if needed. Last week she had our daughter on the Monday because she was working the Tuesday, this week she had her on the Tuesday because she worked the Monday (this is something I’m concerned about when I do go back to work).
He’s always had to have Tuesdays as his days off for reasons to do with his work, even during my maternity leave whilst he’s been working Tuesdays and I’ve been at home my MIL has taken her. Even during times when my partner has had holidays she’s still insisted on taking our daughter on Tuesdays.
Moving forward Tuesdays will be his permanent day off aswell as Saturday but both of us will have to work Sundays (due to having to both have Saturdays off as we don’t have childcare for Saturdays)

She currently only sees our daughter once a week anyway so not sure why she’s complaining about still getting the one day a week when I go to work.
my biggest concern is 100% my partner having Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter and me finding out that she’s been with my MIL all day. As it means my partner missing out on time with her

Your partner can presumably manage that himself? He’s a fully grown adult I assume?

Haven't RTFT but surprised how many jealous posters on here telling OP to pay for childcare when she has willing and free childcare options.

OP's lucky and I'm sure she realises that but no need for some posters to be so bitter and angry about her luck of the childcare draw.

I would be concerned this will soon fall apart, especially if mil changes her day at a drop of a hat .
I would be looking at childcare regardless of cost .

And might choose to spend time with his parents & DD, why wouldn't he?

I can completely understand your desire to have your daughter spend time with her parents at least two full days a week.

This is not going to be reliable childcare.

Then there's this:
If we both take separate days off my MIL would still insist on taking our daughter on a Tuesday

As the MN favourite saying goes, NO is a complete sentence.

You said earlier you could speak to work about moving days off. Do that.

Exactly!

You should switch your days so you get 1 day a week as a family, not 2

Or find a nursery for one of the days

That only leaves one day for one of the GPs to do

You work Saturday & have Sunday & Tuesday off.
He has Saturday & Tuesday off.

MIL has DD Monday
DM has DD Thursday & Friday

You have family day Tuesday & MIL doesn’t get to insist anything.

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

Well yea you are lucky but that is irrelevant to what you are asking isn’t it (not that it stops others from commenting).
so no of course you aren’t unreasonable, if she really wants another day so much couldn’t your mother drop one of her main days as she is looking after her on Sunday too. Just thinking if your mom doesn’t have her at all now and then goes to 3 full days a week it may be too much for her. Just a thought.

Why do you not want your DH to deal with his own mother on Tuesdays? Why are you insisting she can’t have the DD? Surely it’s up to him?

So Saturday becomes the day off you have together.
Sunday you work, partner has off.
Mon and Tues MIL
Weds you have off
Thurs and Fri your mum

Blimey. Gran of 6 here. You sound massively entitled. It’s really hard work looking after kids when you are older, and am I right that you expect it doing for free? Far too high an expectation! Take what she can offer ( which is a lot) or get paid for child care!

In that case it looks like Saturday has to be the family day. Maybe DP has Wednesday off & you have Tuesday off, if you think you will be better at deflecting MIL.

You could tell them that you’ll re-assess after 3 months. But it sounds like MIL might end up being a bit flakey & your DM hasn’t actually experienced how tiring looking after a toddler all day can be. So I would initially limit the number of days you’d have to cover if either GP is sick or decides to go on holiday for a couple of weeks.

What about instead, you and your partner have 1 day off the same (Saturday) and one day off that’s different, so your daughter is with one or both of her parents 3 days a week. Those one parent and child days will benefit all of you, and the one family day will benefit nice for your family unit. It would also ease the pressure on your mum - could you do sat as a family day, Sunday as a one parent day, Wednesday as the other parent day, and then mon & Tues your MIL provides childcare, and Thurs & Fri your mum provides childcare? Or something similar. It will be much better for your daughter to spend 1:1 time with her parents regularly.

Our boys were in childcare mon-Thurs (childminder) and spent the Fridays with one of us, as we both did 9 day fortnights and took alternative Fridays off to spend time 1:1 with the children. We were both off at the weekends, but worked full time with no help, so all of one of our wages was spent on childcare, until they were 3 and at preschool and eligible for their 15 hours free childcare.

This isn't going to end well even if everyone was agreeable with the days. Good luck 😂

Would your mother and mother in law be happy to alternate Sundays?

Or switch the Sunday to suit them, or split the day?

This. Easy.

Both of us have to work Sundays.