Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous MIL

367 replies

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 22:38

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP posts:
farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:28

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 10:56

I get along with my in laws perfectly fine, the issue I have is they have constantly changed the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves. First it was they could have her on a Tuesday, then it was my MIL works most Tuesdays so she’d have her on a Sunday, then it was actually we’ll have her on a Monday because I have Sunday to Tuesday off. Now it’s she can’t have her Sundays because her partner says no because they go away a lot for the weekends. But then expects us to not spend time with our daughter on a Tuesday which is our day off, so we’re expected to move our day off to another day so they can have the two days off. We have been speaking both this for months and everytime we have suggested working around them they change it at the last minute. It’s frustrating that we have to change everything to suit them. I completely understand we are extremely lucky to have both parents OFFERING (not insisting) to look after our child but have one set of grandparents not working with us.

Show quote history

How much of it is really offering and how much of it is seeing you in a tight place and feeling like they need to help out? I sometimes find myself in this position with grown children where they really need a helping hand, and I do it because they really need the help, but it might involve me reluctantly giving up something I wanted to do instead or falling behind with other stuff.

Did these offers to do so much childcare come after you emphasised how much you needed to work but couldn't afford the childcare?

Your MIL's partner is absolutely right btw. They need to protect those weekends together and spend this time going away together. They've raised their kids and who knows how long they might have their health before they have to slow down?

The back and forth of MIL suggests to me someone who is trying to help you up but work out how to juggle her own life at the same time. Considering she is still working quite a bit, you and your DH are going to end up with more family time than she has if she has your child two days.

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 20:28

Why is she going to end up going with MIL , she can't just take her .

Newposter180 · 20/02/2025 20:29

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 20:20

I completely appreciate her support. I don’t understand why it’s coming across like I don’t.
if you read the entire thing you will realise that she’s messed me about since day one swapping and changing what days she can have our daughter. The one day she wants to have our daughter is one of the days that myself and partner are having off together so we can spend time together as a family. Even if one of us has that day off our daughter is going to end up going to her meaning we miss out on time with her which is something multiple people have suggested we do on here.

Show quote history

No one is understanding why neither of you seem to be able to stop her taking your DD! Is there more context? You have written “even if one of us has that day off our daughter is going to end up going to her” - but WHY?! No one is forcing you to hand her over. Honestly this if such a bizarre thread.

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:31

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 11:43

We say no & then she complains she hardly sees our daughter & then throws that my mum will be seeing our daughter more than she will at us.

Show quote history

"That's just how it's working out."

Donotwantnot · 20/02/2025 20:31

‘No’ is a complete sentence. Don’t explain yourself, don’t be drawn into a discussion.

nahthatsnotforme · 20/02/2025 20:32

Donotwantnot · 20/02/2025 20:31

‘No’ is a complete sentence. Don’t explain yourself, don’t be drawn into a discussion.

The grandmas should do this too

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:37

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 18:29

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

Show quote history

You may need to pay someone for that one day, at the least. I'm sure there are plenty of university students that would love a one day a week gig like that.

Original poster
CJ98 · 20/02/2025 20:39

nahthatsnotforme · 20/02/2025 20:32

The grandmas should do this too

Show quote history

We haven’t gone to the grandmas and told them what days we need them; they have offered days and then allowed us to say yes or no but his mum won’t take no for an answer for Tuesdays because she doesn’t see that we don’t need childcare on a Tuesday because my partner and/or I will be off work that day and so we can take care of our daughter alone and/or together so childcare isn’t needed on that day.

OP posts:
farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:39

Dogsbreath7 · 20/02/2025 19:48

Did you read the post? It isn’t about childcare it’s about a demanding petulant MIL who is demanding access to her GC on a day that OP wants as a family day. Petulant MIL isn’t offering flexibility to do childcare to suit when it’s needed but OPs DM is happy to. Petulant MIL is then moaning that DM is getting to see GC more and is jealous.

clear now?

Show quote history

Come on, these guys are managers. Surely they know how to deal with difficult people? "No MIL, you can't have DD on Tuesdays." End of.

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:41

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:55

The thing is she wouldn’t be seeing her son, she takes our daughter for the day and doesn’t even offer to see her son. I’m not preventing anything from happening, most people on this have said about my partner having our daughter on his day off on his own which wouldn’t happen because she’d end up with his mum.
His mum has 0 interest in spending time with us and it’s all about our daughter which we are happy about but if she wants our daughter on a Tuesday then she sees her son at the same time which she then isn’t happy about because she feels like her son is keeping check on her and feels like she doesn’t have the confidence to take our daughter for the day on her own.

Show quote history

If your partner has your DD and she ends up with his Mum, that's 100% on him. He needs to find his backbone and say no. Unless he doesn't actually want to care for his DD alone and is using his mother as an excuse and pleading fake helplessness.

Pastelhp · 20/02/2025 20:44

I’m a bit bewildered at this thread.. you are the parents! If you say no, she can’t have DD on a Tuesday, then that’s that. No one can force you surely

nahthatsnotforme · 20/02/2025 20:44

Then MIl accepts she cannot have her on a Tuesday and you accept she cannot have her on a Sunday.

Your poor mum will be exhausted before long but at least you'll have your 2 family days.

Dearover · 20/02/2025 20:46

Except DH who doesn't really want to have to look after his baby by himself and always needs either his mum or OP on hand on his days off.

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:47

How about solving the situation by telling your mothers, thanks for the kind offer but we've decided to sort out our own childcare? Maybe let them have her one day a week each? Stop giving them so much power in your life. You're not helpless.

I'd also be looking for a new employer at some point. When she's at school you probably will want that Sunday back with DD.

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:48

Dearover · 20/02/2025 20:46

Except DH who doesn't really want to have to look after his baby by himself and always needs either his mum or OP on hand on his days off.

It does sound like that. He can say no.

Donotwantnot · 20/02/2025 20:50

nahthatsnotforme · 20/02/2025 20:32

The grandmas should do this too

Show quote history

And they have every right to say no. What they don’t have a right to do is dictate what OP does.

ThistleTits · 20/02/2025 20:51

@CJ98 Why don't you have a Sunday as family day? Free childcare is a dream for many. I'd let her have Tuesday. When your child starts school or nursery, Tuesday will not be an option for family day.

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 20:51

So MIL has a hold on you , your partner is forced to hand DD over on a Tuesday .He's unable to say "No we don't need you ."

So as you are both powerless and have to hand DD over why both have Tuesday off .

Surely you should take another day off to give your DM a break .

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 20:54

Donotwantnot · 20/02/2025 20:50

And they have every right to say no. What they don’t have a right to do is dictate what OP does.

Show quote history

She can't dictate anything if they don't let her.

Dearover · 20/02/2025 20:55

ThistleTits · 20/02/2025 20:51

@CJ98 Why don't you have a Sunday as family day? Free childcare is a dream for many. I'd let her have Tuesday. When your child starts school or nursery, Tuesday will not be an option for family day.

Because they both work in retail and neither employer is willing to budge on their days.

Boredoutofmyhead · 20/02/2025 21:16

Well if the mil can't look after child,one of the parents will just have to drop a day.
Or work alternating shifts.

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 21:18

Goodness me, and this is all before the arrangements have even started…

I know how tricky it was when my DM cared for my first DC and that was part days and we paid her the going rate.

OP, you are going to have to pull in your attitude.

Thalia31 · 20/02/2025 21:45

HundredPercentUnsure · 18/02/2025 23:46

Yep, the cost of working and having children unfortunately. You might be entitled to tax-free childcare if your/DH adjusted net income is under 100k individually. And if you are then that'll mean you'll be entitled to funded hours at some point soon too. Research it.

We have zero help. And two incomes, one wiped out by childcare (two in nursery). But also I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or in-laws to do our childcare and neither would DH!

Jealously. The grandparents offered, sorry you have an xrappy family.

Lyraloo · 20/02/2025 22:33

lauraloulou1 · 18/02/2025 22:47

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

Don’t be ridiculous, both mothers are offering, and happy to provide childcare! Why would she even consider leaving her child with strangers and paying for the pleasure!
just because she wants to look after her own child on her days off, it doesn’t make her entitled!

farmlife2 · 20/02/2025 22:53

Lyraloo · 20/02/2025 22:33

Don’t be ridiculous, both mothers are offering, and happy to provide childcare! Why would she even consider leaving her child with strangers and paying for the pleasure!
just because she wants to look after her own child on her days off, it doesn’t make her entitled!

Show quote history

It would be interesting to hear from the mothers, which obviously we won't. If my DD was sitting there stressing because she needs to go back to work but can't afford childcare, I might offer to have her child a day or two to help. That's me offering and volunteering, but it doesn't mean I really want to. Offering doesn't necessarily mean happy about it.

MIL seems keen but that might be more driven by competition with the other grandma getting more time. She already has a very full life.