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Original poster

Jealous MIL

367 replies

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 22:38

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP posts:
Ewock · 20/02/2025 23:32

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:29

We aren’t making it difficult. Our contracts for our workplace stipulate we have to work Sundays hence why Saturdays are our days off together. We are both managers so unfortunately don’t have much flexibility when it comes to weekends & what days we can and can’t work.
the issue with this whole thing is Tuesdays. I can change my day off to a Wednesday so that my partner has our daughter on a Tuesday but the issue with that is his mum would take her leaving him without a day of spending it as just him and his daughter like everyone has been mentioning on here.
It doesn’t matter what we do his mum is going to have her on a Tuesday and my partner would only have her on a Saturday with myself.
I like the suggestion of us taking separate days off but unfortunately my partner can not swap his days off hence why we are stuck.

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What do you mean it doesn't matter what you do his mum will be having the baby on a Tuesday? You're the parents you say no.
I honestly don't understand.

GoldOP · 21/02/2025 00:00

I think it’s clear you having 2 family days is causing issues around your child care arrangements. I get why you want 2 days together and if you worked mon-Fri you’d have every weekend but as someone who has worked shifts for 20 plus years and has a dh in retail you have to accept sometimes it’s just too hard to manage and take what you can get.
Why not settle for 1 family day, 1 day each with you and dh and the other 4 days split between both your mums? I know you work in retail but aren’t you allowed any Sundays off, could you and dh not have every other off so one of you has her on a Sunday?
Things may change in the future so you can get your 2 family days but for now I think aiming for 1 is more realistic.

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 00:02

I’m confused. Can you just let one mum have a day each and just pay for childcare. Tbh this is all a mountain out of a molehill, come 3yo she will be getting her 30 hours and going to nursery, a few months later starting school.

Zoec1975 · 21/02/2025 00:06

Same.we have five kids,when they were small all the money i earned went to child care.i had to quit in the end.neither sets of grandparents ever helped,it has always been a struggle.you are very lucky to have yours.

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 00:08

You both have Saturday off with your dd
You both work Sunday, she goes to your MIL

You take a day off each in the week. That leaves 3 days to cover. Either 2 days with your mum, one with MIL or 1 with your mum, 2 days in childcare. That way each grandma gets a day each, you get a day each as parents and you get a day together. Surely that’s the best way? Is it the fact that if your DH has Tuesday off, you think he will end up taking your dd to your MIL anyway? Unfortunately that’s up to him and there’s not much you can do about that.

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 00:10

Also getting your dd in childcare for a couple of days a week will be helpful if either grandma is ill or has to go into hospital or wants to go on holiday. You might think these things won’t happen but they will and you will need a backup. Ringing work to say ‘my mum has a stomach bug and can’t have our dd I can’t come in’ sounds a bit shit and immature tbh

Topjoe19 · 21/02/2025 00:19

I'd be looking for some p/t childcare & give your mum & MIL one day each per week. Also can either of you find work that fits around each other rather than having the same days off? Then you can have more time with your DC (although it won't be family days it's often the way when they're little that you work it between you to maximise childcare).

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/02/2025 00:24

I agree with others your mum will find it much more tiring than she thinks - GPs struggle with one day a week this end as it is mych more exhausting as you get older. I think you should put LO in childcare one day a week so your mum has one day less, then MIL will have less to complain about. It will also prepare DC for the likelihood certainty that they need to go to nursery/childminder more days as MIL is unreliable. I think you just need to be clear to MIL that she can have 2 days and she/her DP are choosing not to do that as they don't want her Sunday. Which is fair enough of course, but not your fault.

If you can I'd strongly consider going down to 4 days. Can you do a job share with someone else?

Like others though I wonder what you will do when DC goes to school as your Tuesdays off and Sundays working won't work any more.

Moonnstars · 21/02/2025 07:17

Saturday both off
Sunday both have to work, Mum is only person who can do this so has to be her day (unless MIL can agree to alternate)
Mon MIL
Tues partner has off
Weds you have off (you have said you could swap Tues for Weds, so I think this is the fairest thing to do)
Thurs Mum
Fri Mum

Still not going to please MIL but if it's your partner's day on Tuesday then he could do whatever he wants on that day (including seeing his own mum).

Also I know the issue of shift work has been mentioned for being an issue with childcare, but you could still do this and ask mum to then collect child from nursery. This might take the pressure off her if she knows the child is at nursery for most of the day and then she only has until you finish work if working a late shift.

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 21/02/2025 07:48

If you want your family day on a Tuesday and you’re worried she’ll just show up and kidnap your child how about you switch off your phones and go out early. She can’t kidnap her if she’s not there? You’d probably only have to do it for the first few weeks until she gets the hint.
If your MIL is upset that your mother has the little one more that’s just a problem she’ll have to have?

jennikr · 21/02/2025 08:21

A lot of wealthy people on this thread have no idea about the sort of work and wages that OP is obviously dealing with. Calling her 'entitled' or suggesting she 'find another job' is completely ridiculous. She can't afford childcare and has no other work options.
OP: insist you keep your baby on Tuesdays or you will feel dissatisfied with everything. Or if possible, swap the Friday between the two mums to even out the time.

Pogue4Life · 21/02/2025 08:23

lauraloulou1 · 18/02/2025 22:47

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

There’s nothing entitled about it, some people are lucky to have parents who are local and are willing to look after their grandchildren. Unfortunately there are lots who’s family support either don’t live nearby or think they’ve done their child caring and don’t want to do it in the older years.

Luddite26 · 21/02/2025 08:29

All these posters saying can't you take Sundays off.
No. OP has already said no.
Of course if the country went back to closing shops on a Sunday altogether and Wednesday half days. OP's situation would be a bit different but I can't see that happening.

Dearover · 21/02/2025 09:17

Or if possible, swap the Friday between the two mums to even out the time.

MiL is a working woman who works 4 days a week from Wednesday to Saturday. Why is it always assumed that women in their 50s & 60s can drop everything to provide free childcare when they might have another 10 -20 years before they retire.

nahthatsnotforme · 21/02/2025 09:55

Dearover · 21/02/2025 09:17

Or if possible, swap the Friday between the two mums to even out the time.

MiL is a working woman who works 4 days a week from Wednesday to Saturday. Why is it always assumed that women in their 50s & 60s can drop everything to provide free childcare when they might have another 10 -20 years before they retire.

And OP thinks it's ok for MIL to work 4 days, then have grand daughter for two days (one of which is the only day she's off with her partner) and then have ONE day off before doing it all again!

daleylama · 21/02/2025 10:38

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:13

She currently only sees our daughter once a week anyway so not sure why she’s complaining about still getting the one day a week when I go to work.
my biggest concern is 100% my partner having Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter and me finding out that she’s been with my MIL all day. As it means my partner missing out on time with her

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Is your partner concerned? Would he be happy to share his day with his mother? If so abide by his choices. If not he deals with his mother

HundredPercentUnsure · 21/02/2025 11:35

Thalia31 · 20/02/2025 21:45

Jealously. The grandparents offered, sorry you have an xrappy family.

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Nothing jealous about it, I'm sorry you have such a xrappy outlook 😆

We wanted our children to have a loving, nurturing grandparent-grandchild relationship with their grandparents (where they are cherished, occasionally spoilt and all enjoy their time together without being exhausted or run ragged and without the pressure or expectation that they will be in loco parentis/discipline/feed them as we would) rather than a caregiver-child relationship. So we pay for childcare.

Anyway if OP isn't happy and doesn't feel they can keep everyone else happy in her situation then yep, pay for childcare. Simple solution, problem solved.

Luddite26 · 21/02/2025 11:35

Dearover · 21/02/2025 09:17

Or if possible, swap the Friday between the two mums to even out the time.

MiL is a working woman who works 4 days a week from Wednesday to Saturday. Why is it always assumed that women in their 50s & 60s can drop everything to provide free childcare when they might have another 10 -20 years before they retire.

mil offered. Mum offered.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 21/02/2025 14:11

Only on Mumsnet, where most people have never heard that it takes a village. ‘I gave up my stab at being next PM, ate dust for 5 years, organised a class camping trip the day after major surgery and never had a nanosecond of childcare I didn’t pay for and neither should you!’. Get real. Tons of families rely on happy grandparents to care, me included. Your MIL is being unreasonable and perhaps with some gentle persuasion your DH will be able to point this out. It’s a stressful time for all. Good luck.

Luddite26 · 21/02/2025 14:44

I thought that this morning @beautifuldaytosavelives.

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 15:29

jennikr · 21/02/2025 08:21

A lot of wealthy people on this thread have no idea about the sort of work and wages that OP is obviously dealing with. Calling her 'entitled' or suggesting she 'find another job' is completely ridiculous. She can't afford childcare and has no other work options.
OP: insist you keep your baby on Tuesdays or you will feel dissatisfied with everything. Or if possible, swap the Friday between the two mums to even out the time.

The baby will get funded hours. On two full time wages even minimum wage, they can afford 2 days a week childcare. Easily.

Ewock · 21/02/2025 17:09

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 15:29

The baby will get funded hours. On two full time wages even minimum wage, they can afford 2 days a week childcare. Easily.

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It's very bold of you to assume you know the financial details of op and what they can and can't afford

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 18:19

Ewock · 21/02/2025 17:09

It's very bold of you to assume you know the financial details of op and what they can and can't afford

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They can afford two days off a week each. so assuming they’re not scraping the barrel or one of them could take more hours on.

Ewock · 21/02/2025 18:50

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 18:19

They can afford two days off a week each. so assuming they’re not scraping the barrel or one of them could take more hours on.

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No that's a usual working pattern 5 days out of 7. It would be a rubbish life if we had to work 7 day weeks! Doesn't mean that they can afford childcare. And again the fact that you feel you know their financial position is just wow!

KindLemur · 21/02/2025 19:23

Ewock · 21/02/2025 18:50

No that's a usual working pattern 5 days out of 7. It would be a rubbish life if we had to work 7 day weeks! Doesn't mean that they can afford childcare. And again the fact that you feel you know their financial position is just wow!

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Loads of people, myself and my partner included, work more than 5 days in a week or more than 40 hours. Most full time NHS staff put those hours in. Not sure what is ‘just wow’ about that. It’s more like they want to save money by using grandparents as childcare which is fair enough, but saying they categorically can’t afford it is probably not true