About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

Is he worried that his health condition will limit his ability to work so would rather you collectively maximise earnings now?

Is there are reason you’re part time aside from housework?

I think this is a possibility yes

Perhaps because she earns £60-78k doing the hours she does, and because she carries the household, and because she works to live, not lives to work.

Not really no, I just like having a balance and don’t wish to work more hours

Perhaps he would also like to benefit from part time hours and a better work/life balance?
Especially as he is nearing retirement age and in poor health. It doesn’t seem an especially fair division of labour given the circumstances (unless there is more info to follow)

Could you negotiate ? I would say he needs to do all housework, washing, cleaning and cooking meals and then you could do more hours. I suspect he will change his mind 😬

Well, you earn what dh and I both earn combined working ft, doing just 22 hrs a week, so I'd say you absoloutley do not need to work more.

Surely if you went to FT then a lot of the extra would be spent outsourcing all of the housework/ meals etc?

What health issues does he have?

The OP doesn't specify how many hours her dh works, but she is clear that he doesn't do much or even half of the housework/ general life stuff.

That age gap while not huge will show now as he is at an age when retirement is being considered. He may be worried his health will deteriorate quite a lot over the next few years and that is very possible. If you want go enjoy some time together what age are you thinking of retirement.

The OP does the vast majority of the domestic drudgery. She also earns a healthy salary from working 22 hours a week. He works from home.

We’ve really lost sight of what life is actually about haven’t we?

The best way forward would be for your husband to thank his lucky stars he's got a high earning younger wife who if needs must can go on earning after his retirement, as well as supporting him domestically. And with that in mind let you be to enjoy your life while his age and health still allows you to do so.

What a lovely post.

Cool. Ask him what he's going to take over from you..he can start tomorrow and the conversation about upping your hours can happen on a more secure footing in a few months once he's got the hang of it.

Was your decision to work only 22 hours a jointly made one? If so, how long ago did you jointly reassess it to ensure that both parties are still happy with the arrangement?
If your OH also worked the same approx hours as you (and took on his fair share of the chores obviously) could you still live comfortably?

So what.... you are his retirement plan? Nurse, housemaid and cook?

Loosely calculated, but if the OP worked an extra 16 hours per week, she’d make about an extra £12k each year after tax.

Not worth it.

You'll likely be working long after he retires, and as a poster said above, he should count his lucky stars you’re there to support him domestically and financially in the future. (Even though there’s savings and pensions sorted)

Jealous more like lol

I worked FT until the pandemic. I was stressed and frazzled like I’m sure a lot of working parents are. I like the balance of not rushing around constantly and feeling like the house is always a tip.

His health issues include ME & fibromyalgia so he never really knows what sort of day he’s going to have. Some days he’ll do laundry or empty the dishwasher. Some days he’ll be in bed for most of the day and get up in the evening to do his work.

I totally understand his life is extremely difficult and I am incredibly supportive- but this is about his expectations for me to work/ earn more. I have no reason other than I enjoy not feeling stressed and overwhelmed. This is why I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to work more hours?

I just want to feel balanced and in control - which is how I currently feel, but I know I will lose that feeling if I increase my hours.

I was going to say that. Higher earner threads always trigger these catty comments. 🤭

If he’s witnessed you struggling in the past and is still badgering to earn more for his impending retirement, at your own human cost, then he’s very selfish indeed. Could his resentment of having a chronic illness be creating that mindset? Or has he often shown selfish tendencies?

If you're happy that you're investing enough for your retirement then no way woukd I work more. Work life balance is worth far more than ££ in the bank & I think that being around for teenagers is under estimated.

Running a household & teenagers is time consuming & I bet he has no idea how much time & effort it takes. Your DH needs to take on a substantial part of this successfully before you even discuss increasingly your hours.

I smell a rat with his demands. He should be counting himself very lucky. OP you are right to have a work/life balance that allows you to enjoy your life. Does he want you out of the way for longer - tied up with work so he can get up to some dodgy pass time/ habit he knows you won’t approve of? He seems pretty parasitic if you are giving a fair account.

He may want you to bring home more money but what about when you burn out? Is he going to pick up the slack?

He doesn't care that you will have increased stress, he's not going to be doing more, he's all about the money. It sounds like you're the classic nurse with a purse