About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

Mental health is health.

Your reason for reducing your hours included stress due to you having extra caring responsibilities because he isn't able to care for himself on some days.

Spell this out to him. You work full time - you have additional caring responsibilities.

Meh.
If you are not worried about money and are comfortable with the hours you work, I don't understand why you should do more.
I have the same age gap with my partner and it tells me I need to work more because of whatever age-related health condition, that will definitely be the end of our relationship (yes, I'm this cold blooded).
It's also his job to maximise his earnings and he should have prepared better for retirement as he had an earlier start than you.

Sounds like he's worried about retirement. Have a sit down together and look through your finances and calculate how much money you will have for your retirement. What are his expectations of retirement and yours and how much money is needed for it. And how you'll be fine with your one salary and his pension if he wants to retire how you won't be living in poverty even if you don't up your hours.

Considering how unwell he is, and how little he can do, he is extremely selfish to be so cavalier with yours.

Definitely this is about him and getting as much mileage out of his work horse.

You were so young when you met him, with such a huge age gap.

I think you have been conditioned to know no better.

In my experience at nearly 60, marriages with huge age gaps that happened when the woman was very young, usually have a dynamic of parent/child, adult/teen, boss/employee.....

Never equal.

Does he financially subsidise you in any way? If yes then YABU.

I haven't started yet.

Is he in bed all day and then working evenings and weekends because of his illnesses? Seems an odd way to fit in to family life - or a great way to avoid it. It sounds nuts that you are taking on more because he is unwell, but he also wants you to work more to afford house re-modelling and fancy holidays. Is he aware you're a human being, not a robot?

Do you know what the survivorship situation is with his pension/s? Most of them these days don't pay the full amount to a surviving spouse but with him being older maybe he has a more advantageous provision. You do need this information if you don't have it already- appreciate you may not wish to disclose it on here.

FWIW OP, I think your balance sounds great. You are comfortable and have time for your DCs and DH, house stuff, and presumably your own leisure time too.

Would it be worth talking through how increasing your hours to various levels would affect the household overall to help him understand how it isn't simply a case of more money in the bank? Plus how the increase actually may be peanuts (relatively) after everything is accounted for. You could do it for 30/35/40 hr/wk.
Eg 30 hours: not willing to lose leisure time as this isn't something we need (the money is in the 'nice to have' category) and the time with DCs needs to be protected, so that is 8 hours of chores/admin that I currently do that needs to be covered. Your health won't allow you to take it on consistently, so we'd need to get people in to do it. Obviously lunches together etc will need to stop, which will be a shame as my lunch break will be a lot shorter. 8 hours at £50/hr means an extra take home of (I think! 42% deduction of IT and NI?) around £230 after tax and NI. Most cleaners, house keepers, gardeners etc will want a minimum of £20/hr, so that's £160 pw. This takes our extra income to £70 pw, giving me a take home pay of £8.70/hr. Is it worth upsetting the great balance we currently have for that?
It needs to be clear that the extra time for paid work will need to come from the hours of unpaid work you already do for the family, not extra that is magic-ed up and dumped on your plate, only seeing you disadvantaged.

Okay. The thing is ME and fibromyalgia are both conditions where it’s hard to find a biological/physical cause. ME was first called ‘Yuppie Fever’ because it was thought to relate to stress of people trying to compete in a dog eat dog world. You, OP are wisely avoiding putting yourself under the kind of pressure which could result in similar chronic illnesses.

Your husband is needlessly anxious, and that kind of constant anxiety is really bad for our health. All those cortisols.

I think you should be encouraging him to deal with his anxiety- meds and/or therapy.

It seems there are a lot of posters here who think that there is a virtue in constant busyness and effort, and that it is somehow sinful to enjoy one’s life at a comfortable pace. That is not healthy.

PIP isn't means tested. If he qualified for it, he could claim it irrespective of his and OPs earnings and savings. It's meant to help people with the additional costs associated with their disability or illness.

I like SkankingWombat's post above. If OP does those extra hours for 48 weeks of the year, £70 x 48 = £3360 per year.

What can you get for that, holiday wise or renovation wise (I assume renos all done by tradesmen- he doesn't have the strength to drive around hardware shops looking at paints and fabrics and tiles and picking up a paint roller, and you don't have time).

If it's worth it, then great. If he's going to be dissatisfied with one £3360 holiday (for 5? Or for 2 while granny moves into yours and supervises the teenagers?) per year then feck it, as you were.

This is also assuming that all the extra money earned is "grasshopper money" for you both/ all to enjoy, and none if it is designated "ant money" for your pension pot which is smaller than his. When you say his pension means that you and the children will be "provided for" in the very statistically likely event that he predeceases you by at least 14 years, what does that mean?
Enough money for chunky house deposits for the kids and you to go for a few nice dinners with your female friends and a cruise or two, as a reward for presumably racking up a lot more caring duties in the last years of his life? Or just enough money for the bus fare to visit his grave every day?

But it's OK for OP to subsidise him by taking on his share of housework and cooking?

OP, you seem very aware of his mental health and seem to try and make his life easier, but he's not showing you the same care regarding your mental health.

Double posted

I bet if you had ME he wouldn't be the one doing all the domestic drudge

I didn’t mean to imply there ought to be just wondered if there was some reason which might be the root of his issues/provide more insight. Ultimately it’s your decision how many hours you work and none of his business!

To be honest OP now you have clarified it definitely isn't an attempt for him to retire early, I don't think he is wrong for feeling the way he does, he basically wants to enjoy life and get things sorted in the present rather than wait for a future that may not come or may not be what you are both expecting.

For context my mum died when she was 63, she scrimped all her life through much adversity to raise us children and she never even got to retirement age, luckily for her, in the last 5 years of her life she started having expensive holidays (via 0% credit cards) and dropping hours at work to spend time with grandchildren, and basically working to live rather than living to work, and in the end the money from the sale of her house paid off anything she owed with loads to spare, and she at least got to live her life for her for a few years before she died.

I think you need to consider that the future you are saving for may not come and factor that in, at late forties that probably isn't on your radar as much as it is your DH at 60.

I don't think you should up your hours and work more, it sounds like your balance is perfect and anything more could have the opposite effect of leading to resentment, so IMO you should carry on exactly as you are, but if there is a way of freeing up money to enjoy yourselves in the now, like selling the property etc, or sensible credit, then you should definitely look at all options, 60 is the perfect age to consider slowing down and enjoying your life while you can.

So it seems he is not appreciating his quality of life now is because you work part time

Do you have a financial advisor? It might be an idea to ask an IFA to do a full report of your finances and project how much you will have to live on when you retire. That might give your h peace of mind.

He is being U asking you to do more than you already do, as you are already taking on most of the housework, childcare and emotional labour.

But he is ill and probably panicking about what if he never gets better, etc.

But YANBU at all to live to work, if you can afford it. It sounds as if your priorities are good.

What does he earn? Could you up the hours and get a cleaner? And put the teens in the cooking rota?

Unless he is offering to take some household management off your hands he has a cheek.

OP it sounds like he’s worrying a lot and if he’s at home all the time with a chronic illness he has a lot of time to think/worry. If you are both financially comfortable then no, I don’t think you should increase your hours as you do all the housework. However, do you not think he is thinking about making memories and enjoying life whilst he still can? It sounds like you are both seeking to enjoy your lives, for you that looks like working part time, for him it’s working more but having nice holidays. Surely there’s a compromise to be had? As you’re self employed could you take on one extra project/client a year (don’t know what you do so just outlining this a suggestion?) or compromise that some money will come out of savings so he can make the memories with his family.
Do you holiday at all? Go out regularly? As it sounds like he is torn between enjoying life whilst he can in the way he wants to, or saving for a future when he may be unable to work.

Sorry OP, he sounds like an asshole. Is he going to do more chores? If not, your hours stay as-is. Sadly though, I don't like his attitude towards you, it doesnt seem caring or loving

I think that those people doing tax and NI calculations are forgetting that the OP is self employed and the calculations will be totally different

In terms of a way forward there really is no way except to keep talking about it, but you are definitely not being unreasonable! You clearly take on a lot and your health will suffer if you take on more so working more will probably damage your future rather than enhancing it. You getting ill won't do anyone any good. I know he wants to spend money on certain things rather than waiting for a future where he might not be able to enjoy them, and I imagine adaptations for the house are on his mind for a deterioration of his health, so there is some sense in doing that sooner rather than later. Talking to a financial advisor is a good idea, see if they can help identify funds for what needs to be done now and what expenditure can be funded later.