About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

He's 60 and has at least two chronic illnesses, so completely reasonable for him to be worrying about the future. It probably won't be long until he needs to retire.

Perhaps less reasonable to lay it all on your shoulders but marriage should be a team and you must both have been aware all along that he would be retiring long before you.

I think you need to both listen to each other and try to compromise instead of getting resentful.

How is she lazy?

Yanbu op.

You are doing it exactly right. And I say that because I have made the exact same decision. Live a life now I don't need a holiday from. Working part time also allows me to exercise - which I see as my health pension. There is absolutely no value in working yourself to the ground when you don't need to. None.
Your husband is exceptionally lucky to have you.

Bloody hell, that’s harsh
So someone the OP acknowledges has a very hard life and is regularly bed bound but still holding down a job is a parasite then?

OP you sound like you're doing an excellent job of running the household and working and taking up the slack due to his health issues AND earning enough to support everyone. Fantastic. You are doing more than a full time job overall, domestic stuff doesn't do itself, and teenagers need parents to call on. Absolutely no point in driving yourself into an early grave or losing your own good health for extra income that you don't particularly need.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I think he’s just a worrier about finances.

Maybe work a little more and stash it in a private pension

How many hours does he work and what does he earn op?

Maybe you could compromise and do 30 hours a week, which is still part time.

It's understandable he's worried when he's ill and close to retirement age and the costs of things keep going up.

I think there's a middle ground between being overworked and burned out and doing more than 22 hours a week.

I’m inclined to agree with you @5128gap. Obviously I feel sorry about her DH’s health problems, but working the OP into the ground when she’s already making a good salary doesn’t make sense. They’ll be in a real mess if she also becomes unwell.

A possible compromise could be to increase your hours to say 30/week if he and your teenagers can pick up more of the slack at home. Would that be realistic (or would you end up doing everything)?

Personally I would up my hours to 30. It's still part time and put the extra money in a pension pot. I would also get dh to do some chores. There's no reason why he can't do tasks such as meal plan and order on line shopping and similar tasks if he struggles with physical tasks.

he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement

When he says “we”, does he actually just mean “you”?

I'd explain you have to carrier everything and support your family. Working part time enables you to do that without burning out.

Just say no. It sounds like he is a bit controlling.

No you don’t need to increase your hours. You’re already contributing financially and doing more than your share domestically too. From what you say, it’s not even like you need the money and presumably if your situation changed and you did, you could up your hours then.

You absolutely should prioritise your health and well being. With all due respect, your teenage kids already have one parent who’s health is being impacted, they don’t need another being burnt out.

It does depend on how demanding your teenagers are though. And they're all different.
I have two teenagers and one takes up about twenty minutes of my day on average, but the other 2-3 hours every day. One of my teenagers adds no work really and I could work full time (if I wanted to) if they were both like her, but if I had two like my other teenager I would be absolutely destroyed to work full time.

Do not burn yourself out, you’ll probably end up caring for him one day, who will care for you when it’s your turn

You think that someone earning good wages and doing the bulk of the housework is lazy?

This, all day long.

I work part time. Physically I could do more hours but I chose not to. I don’t want to work like a dog for every penny I can. Life’s too short and I currently enjoy my job and my days at home. If I changed that balance I would be pretty miserable.

If we as a family needed to cut costs because of budgeting, then I would do this over working more hours. I’d rather have less money than work more.

OP YANBU and I would resist his attempts/pressure to change what is currently an effective arrangement for you.

Your contribution to this thread is about as useful as the OP's husbands contribution to the daily drudge of the house.
OP the amount you earn PT is vastly more than a lot of people earn working FT so you are absolutely right to have such a good balance, ignore fuckwits like the one above 🙄

My partner has health issues. I do the majority of the housework, including the heavy stuff. Most couples have at least some division of labour at home but with a disabled partner, unless you can afford a cleaner, the vast majority falls to one person. I don’t think l could cope with working full home as well as my home responsibilities, so l can see where OP is coming from.

I don't think I'd want to live a life where earning £70k a year, looking after 3 kids and an unwell spouse, and doing the housework - was considered lazy. It doesn't sound very joyful.

Agreed.

There was a similar age gap between my late husband and me.

I finished up retiring (unwillingly) at 58 because I couldn't keep up with the demands of the job and looking after my husband.

To say that I was suffering from burnout is an understatement.

When you have an age gap marriage, you finish up as your husband's carer, a young widow or both.

I'm on my own now. No one to care for me and I have health problems caused by moving and handling.

OP needs to look after herself. No one else will do it for her.

This, absolutely. I think perhaps unless one has lived it, it’s hard to comprehend.