About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

Cheeky monkey! He’s allowed to have stress-related time off for life but you’re nose to the grindstone non stop.

YANBU.

YANBU - The likelihood is that his care needs will increase and he will require more and more of your time. Don't increase your hours, enjoy your time now while you can.

On that salary there's no need to work full time. It's not laziness it's making the most of your life. He wants to rely on you as the older partner with health issues.
Point out to him he will have to go halves with you on hiring a cleaner if you do up your hours. He better not be expecting you to run the household and do full time hours whilst he does full time hours but does not do any housework.

I'd explain to him that due to the unpredictability with his health, which you say means he can either be in bed all day or fine, you are not prepared to up your hours, because he cannot gaurentee that he would be able to pick up that slack. Hes a CF to be honest.

Hes 60 so looking to retire soon, I'd set some boundaries now; before he nags you about working a lot more to compensate for him being a pensioner.

Agree broadly
OP - if you up your hours can you use it to increase pension (worth it if paying 40pc tax) and outsource the cleaning & chores?

Have you told him, @ByKinda, that you could work a few more hours, if he took on 50% of the housework?

I really don’t understand the mindset of folks who think the only possible goal is to earn as much as possible rather than being able to be satisfied when they have achieved earning enough to live a comfortable life

He wants to retire now wants you to work more to pay for it. Simple as that.

Doing the majority of the house work is a huge amount and working part time.

Does he want you sick too?
Does he see you as a work horse?

Easily known he does fxxk all in the house that he is not appreciating how much you do.

I would push back hard OP.

22 hours plus all the housework seems a fair division to me?!

I don’t call it ‘transparent’ to be told you’ve been provided for. Other women have and turns out it wasn’t true. Transparent is visibility over each others finances and consulting each other on wills and insurance, and fully aware of the contents of each.

Agree with this. Good for you OP. You are well paid and have a good work/ life balance. Surely this is the Holy Grail.

Exactly.

how unpleasant

Yes we have complete visibility over our finances and on wills and insurance. Everything is transparent

My husband is mid 60s and I'm almost 40. I work a 55+ hour week and my husband is the complete opposite OP - he wants me to cut down to a 4 day week and work less so we have more quality time whilst we are both healthy enough to do so. (We have 4 kids ranging from 7 to 18 also) .
If you are financially OK do not work yourself to death because he's got money concerns/anxiety. He wants to get more money he needs to make it, if he can't he needs to be at peace with that.

OP stay doing part-time and enjoy living.

I’ve just heard about someone I grew up with who passed away suddenly. Mid forties, two small children. I only hope he wasn’t working every hour he had before he died.

In my experience, being around for teenagers is really under estimated and such a really great thing when possible. In our house, I was in charge, but I am only a year older than db1. I am tall, but he is is 6 4 and very well built. He built a gym in a friend's garage from when they were 11. I obviously had no authority over then, nor subsequently my young brother.

I had an eating disorder from around 13, parents still do not know. B1 had what I would consider an issue with cannabis. Our house was closest to the schoolboys so his wee group of friends would gather in our kitchen from around 8 to get stoned.

I got db2 out of the house to his school bus successfully for 2 years, but then he joined in the older boys. His friends came over too. I had around 20 in a small kitchen in the morning skinning up. I was 14 at that point. There was no way I could handle them.

So db1 had a v close friend (one of the ones in my kitchen every morning) experience drug induced psychosis, he will never function entirely normally, handle responsibility, etc. He was such a lovely guy, but he is just addled.

My brother and several others from that group of friends have a wee rota, for taking him out. They love him and feel so bad about him. A bit of "there but for the grace of God go I", but also they do not want to exclude him from basic stuff like knowing their kids etc. He is one of my nephew's God parents and has capacity enough to be really excited and pick gifts etc, he adores my nephew, but I guarantee his mother helps out there.

He is her only child and the circle around them wants to give her vicarious granny feels. I think they all just feel do bad for her loss of her boy. They are trying to attone.

It was much the wild west interms of movies dating stuff etc

But it rely was wild west!!

"Completely agree dear, I'd love to up my hours and work more - what household jobs are you taking over from me to allow me to do that?"

He wants you to keep him and do all the household load

Guaranteed if you up your hours he will start mentioning retirement.

IMO he is trying to get you to earn more so he can wind down...

This is when the age gap starts hitting, when the oldest gets to 60plus

i think he’s a selfish Pratt

If his bad days increase frequently then he may no longer be able to work at all which I imagine he finds incredibly stressful.

So a 20 year age gap, ill health and a husband who's getting antsy about retirement

I can understand where hes coming from. State pension for him has increased to 67, his PP is probably linked so he cant get that for a year or two yet, and his health is diminishing and perhaps he really is having to make choices for himself that he doesn't want to, to ensure you are well looked after....

You know your own pension age is likely to change as well? From 67 to perhaps 69/70? The goal posts are changing constantly. Are you 100% confident that you have your retirement covered?

I get that you are a high earner and that the work life balance you have right now is really suiting you and you feel you can afford it, but does he have a worry that not all bases are covered ? That his health may need expensive care to keep him home, even more expensive if he needs more intense care?

So many of us don't have the chance to future proof to the best we can, perhaps he's looking ahead and thinking a few years now will cover it

Im not saying he's right, Im not saying get your arse out there, Im just asking is any of that a possibility ?

I thought my PP would see me ok, only an accident took me out of work, no idea for how long, couldn't survive on sick pay so claimed my pension 18 months before maximum payout and have lost thousands

Housework is work. It’s unpaid. But it’s hours of work.

Add up the hours you work including housework and household chores (e.g. admin). Present that to him and explain how much leisure time it gives you for yourself, compared to him.

Yes, he has health problems. But you don’t want to get to the point of ill health at his age, so you need time to exercise and rest now to prevent health conditions, rather than time to cope with them when older, as he does.

As long as you’re financially secure, do as little paid work as little as possible.

I think that you need to keep both your mental and physical health in good condition. At the moment you are doing most the housework and dealing with 3 teenagers. The teenage years can be hard at times and being there can make it easier. Your also earning well for the amount of hours that you work.
So if your 60 year old husband who has health issues wants you to work more hours so who will do the housework,? Does he realise that if your working you not able to do housework or be your kids taxi service?

My feeling is that he wants to cut down his work hours or perhaps give up work due to poor health. So he wants you to work more hours and up the savings you currently have. Then he will want to stop working and he may get some benefits due to poor health but he will have a fight on his hands to get this. Could he get his private pension before pension age?

Then what happens to your to mental and physical health? You were working full time before COVID and it was not good for you, him or the kids.

The reality is that your husband is older than you with poor health and you have 3 teenagers. You need to keep well in order get your teenagers though the next few years and be around when you're husband needs more care. Also at this stage I would be meeting friends and going away on holidays with them because in time you could be your husband's carer.
I would not be working more hours and carrying him and 3 teenagers at the same time.