About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

Just to clarify this is not about me funding his retirement. He has a lot more than me in terms of pension - this is for more money now to spend rather than touch savings.
He wants to go on expensive holidays or remodel the house which of course costs a bit. As well as being able to live comfortably day to day and buy whatever we fancy. I’m happy for all of this but am content to wait a bit and save up from our earnings to pay for stuff, he however is more keen to make this happen faster.

I spread my hours over 5 days, start early, finish early. I like to be home early afternoon to catch up on house stuff, get his lunch and think about dinner. This means we can relax together at dinner (if he’s not in bed). I think it works well.

He earns more than me and will often work late into the night if he’s not been able to work during the day. He will often work weekends too.

Our teenagers are demanding (as a lot are). We are both there for them, they are particularly close to their Dad as he is a ‘fixer’ and extremely practical. He’s the one they always call if my eldest for example is in work and has an issue. My youngest has autism and has a special bond with him. Just making the point he’s not a shirker as some posts imply.

He is not some kind of selfish parasite- he’s a decent human being who puts his family first and wants to provide everything for us including things that cost money. This is why I feel guilty for not wanting to increase my hours, it’s so we can all benefit from having the extra money.

@ByKinda Does your husband work full time hours? It doesn't sound like it if he's self employed and frequently so unwell that he spends all day in bed and is incapable of doing any housework.

We would all like more money to spend on nice holidays and other non-essentials.

The reality is that if you do as he is asking and take on more work, the whole family will benefit from having some extra money, and only you will experience the downside of being exhausted and burnt out.

It's unreasonable of him to ask you to work yourself to the bone to earn more money so that he can have more luxuries without doing anything personally to earn them.

He needs to come to terms with the fact that if his health conditions prevent him from working more hours and earning more money, perhaps those luxuries are out of reach for you as a family. Because the cost to you in earning enough money to pay for them is too high. And given that the entire burden of earning extra money to pay for things that he wants falls on your shoulders, you are entitled to say no.

Given that his pension is better than yours, if you did decide to work more hours it would be entirely reasonable for you to invest the extra money in your own pension rather than spending it on fancy holidays anyway.

I also agree with the PP who said it sounds like you're likely to end up being his long-term carer, so you really should enjoy your life now, otherwise it's just going to be a never ending grind for you.

He can't help his health conditions, but he can help making unreasonable demands of you when it sounds like you're already carrying the whole family to a significant extent.

He certainly isn't. He is unwell yet from the sound of things works long hours

I have a condition a bit like ME and currently work full time and it basically means I have no quality of life at all. It also means I am largely confined to the house so that wish for house renovations may be because he spends so much time in the house.

I am kind of with you on not wanting to work much harder just for *luxuries " but equally I think your husband trying to work full time while unwell may be taking its toll on his mental health. It's rotten just trying to stay well enough to work and then recovering so you can work again.

OP, you aren't in the wrong here at all.

It's such a race to the bottom on MN. If you're not working 70-90 hrs a week you're not working enough.

You've found a solution to provide a good work/life balance for your family. That's actually something to be celebrated not criticised. Life isn't about working to the bone and the stress & worries that come along with that. God forbid one genuinely enjoy life whilst they're still alive. - Remember you can't take money with you when you're gone.

There's no need to change a situation that works for your family on what some bitter people think. If your husband wants changes he can work on his load, in & out of work.

I will add, I do find it interesting how it's almost always women whom have a problem with other women being financially secure and leading fulfilled & relaxed lives.

After your last update my view has slightly changed - at the age of 60 with chronic illnesses how many good years dows your husband have left to enjoy the luxuries? It may he worth your while outsourcing the housework (even meal prep if necessary) so you only need to cook the meals. Your time is better spent bringing more money in as you will pay less for the services you need

Your husband is fully entitled to put his family first and provide from his OWN efforts. Where he's going wrong is in thinking he can do that from yours. You are more than paying your way, but he wants even more from you to support his ideal life and future at the expense of your chosen life. I'm sure it's frustrating for him that his health will place limits on how much he personally can do, but that's something he needs to come to terms with rather than look for a work around at your expense. He has you thinking this is rooted in good intentions, the security of you all, and that you are selfishly blocking what's 'best for everyone', which is pretty manipulative of him, because really the beneficiary here would be him. He wants to do projects and travel while his health holds and he's still young enough to have a reasonably active retirement, but isn't taking into account that his retirement and yours will look very different. He will not have an unwell 80 something to support and accommodate in retirement, so you have a much tougher road ahead than he. With this in mind if he was thinking of you as he claims, he'd want to make your life as easy as he could while this is still an option.

We’ve really lost sight of what life is actually about haven’t we?

Exactly this.

OP no way in hell should you up your hours. And your husband should start appreciating how bloody lucky he is to have you.

That's tricky. I think you're right. This will be the age gap and his illness that's driving this/ he's at a different life stage. If his health is unpredictable then your ability to keep mentally and physically bouyant and keep the house going is priceless. Is there a compromise? I imagine that if you work a long day, then he has a bad day- who is making the dinner? That's gonna stress you all out. Stress is such a trigger for autoimmune I wonder if he's thought through the practicality or even wants to think about how much you shoulder on his behalf.

Then your definition of works for the family is different to mine.

Mine includes ALL members.

🙄Obviously it includes him. But it does not sound like he is being particularly rational. It sounds like he is wanting to save even more for a rainy day with a very vague notion of when/ whether this extra money might be needed.

The current situation works, in that they have plenty of money to continue their current lifestyle and have a comfortable retirement. His worries beyond that are for things they do not actually need. Understandable perhaps, but not very rational.

If he's worried about finances then he and OP need to sit down and respectfully discuss that together, but honestly, if they are financially secure (which it sounds like they very much are) then it is unreasonable of him to expect OP to work more just to build pointless extra money that they don't need.

Given that his pension is better than yours, if you did decide to work more hours it would be entirely reasonable for you to invest the extra money in your own pension rather than spending it on fancy holidays anyway.

Great point @MissScarletInTheBallroom.

It's unreasonable of him to expect that any extra money earned now would go towards holidays, rather than fixing pension disparity. Especially as a couple with such a big age gap!

Yes and she won’t have the luxury of leaning on someone else.

Good for you! Why should you work more than you need to? You also have much longer to work still than him the cheeky sod. Being a homemaker or whatever you want to call it is basically a full time job on top of any work you do outside the home. I would say earning the amount per hour you earn along with raising 3 kids that you are doing pretty well for yourself, well done.

I'd do the holiday sooner rather than later. It sounds as though he wants it all, which you hear from higher earners. Those of us who earn less, have to sacrifice something to afford a holiday. So go through your (as a family) spending and there'll be a way to do it. We should all strive for a work/life balance. You don't know what your future will bring. It's nice to think that you'll travel in retirement, but people find that they aren't as interested as they once were, too knackered, or busy with other things. MN sets ridiculous amounts needed for retirement. He'll be 87 when you retire, as a couple, you won't be doing much. I'd plan to do essential renovations to keep the value of the house. As said he should count his blessings.

I'm not defending him or saying he's right. I'm taking issue with your assertion that the current situation works just fine for the family.

The whole point of the thread is that the dictation doesn't work for him so it cannot possibly be said that it works for the whole family.

Given that his pension is better than yours, if you did decide to work more hours it would be entirely reasonable for you to invest the extra money in your own pension rather than spending it on fancy holidays anyway.

I thought all.money was family money in a marriage?

Protecting your health is the most important thing OP.
He is older and sick.
Your children need you well, not burnt out for a few expensive holidays.

That can get very expensive quickly, though. They might find themselves worse off financially.

Fibromyalgia. Well at least his arms and legs haven't dropped off so he needs to push himself to help you. Without you he'd claim for PIP and all it's related subsidiaries. He's VERY damn lucky to have you . You must love him to put up with this, I know I wouldn't.

Just to clarify when I say HIS pension or MY property its just because it’s in his / my name. We have complete transparency and share our money completely. Always have done, always will. Maybe we’re old fashioned like that and have been married for 25 years.

theres a 12 year age gap not 20 as some think. I’m late 40’s as I put in my op.

Also as I’m sure many are aware, chronic illness is not just about the physical limitations- he struggles a lot mentally and with motivation so there’s times he’s ok physically but can’t bring himself to do stuff. It’s just difficult but manageable currently and I don’t want to change things.

I really feel for people who are controlled by money in life.

Separate living arrangements would be a solution.
😡

What a vile comment.

You're not his work horse! Ask him why he thinks it's reasonable to ask you to work more whilst also doing all the cooking and housework, he needs to see things from your perspective.