About husband moaning about me not earning enough

[ByKinda]

I am lucky to have a nice and reasonably well paid job. I am self employed and (I earn £50-£70 per hour). I currently go out to work 22 hours per week.

Husband also is self employed and works from home. He has health issues which impact him - I am understanding and supportive and therefore do vast majority of housework including food shopping and cooking.

He keeps saying that I could be earning a lot more if I upped my hours, but I don’t see why I should considering we don’t actually need the money and I basically run the home.

I have said we are fine financially which he agrees with but he believes we should be maximising our earnings and bank as much money as possible to have a comfortable retirement. I’m of the mindset that I want to enjoy my life and not feel overwhelmed. We have savings and pensions.

I’m late 40’s, he is 60, we have three teenagers who all live at home.

It’s causing an atmosphere in the house and we are resenting each other. What is the best way forward?

I have a friend in your situation (a man however), his wife doesn’t work due to ME. He works full-time and does everything round the house. He doesn’t really have much quality of life and is permanently tired. Please don’t be him OP. We (friendship group) all feel sad for him and think it’s really wrong but it’s really hard to say anything. You’re at serious risk of burn-out, it’s just not worth it. Live for the day.

Oh yes and YA100%NBU

If anything were to happen so that you had to give up work tomorrow OP, would you still be able to have a good standard of living, based on the savings and pension provisions that you already have?

I ask this, as maybe having suddenly found his own health deteriorating, he's worried that if the same thing were to happen to you, that you'd both end up wishing you'd carried on working full time while you could. However, if you would be able to manage, in the scenario that I've put forward, then I'd tell him that I'm working to live, not living to work, and am quite happy with things the way they are thank you very much!

Why do you say you have a second property that you could sell to fund YOUR retirement? Surely being married, this is a joint asset and any decision about what to do with it is joint?

You come across to me as a bit controlling.

You want more time, he want more money. Both valid, although I'd say the first can be more of a luxury. Yet, it seems to be down to you how both are controlled.

You recognise he has a health condition, he is older and that will have a significant impact on how much work can be done, yet you're the one enjoying the perfect life whilst he struggles and worries.

Could you try picking up 5 more hours for a month or two?
You could put more into your pension.

You could, at the same time, ask DH to pick up an extra 4 - 5 hours of homelife chores. Is there a task that fits? Maybe vacuuming and clothes washing?

Depends where in the country you live. £50/h, 22 hours a week, 46 weeks a year (assuming 6 weeks of holiday) is only actually £50k, thats not huge forself employment when you need to put at least 20% of that into pension (total pension contributions should be around half your age as a % of your earnings). Its hardly going to afford an affluent lifestyle these days.

If you live in a more expensive area its not that high, I'd find it an odd choice to work only 3 days a week at your age.

Does he get PIP? 22 hours a week + 3 teenagers + running a home + looking after a sick husband doesn’t sound lazy to me.

Is this misplaced guilt that because he’s unwell you both don’t have as much money as he thinks you “should”? Personally in your circumstances if there’s no current worry for money there’s no way I’d be looking to up my hours. Your teenagers will appreciate having a more relaxed home life with you around more.

You should see a independent financail adviser who can take you through cash flow modelling and lay out your current provision including pensions, rental property and savings investment and take into account expenditure you can then have greater clarity on what the status quo looks like. Ie when can you each afford to retire and whether there is a deficit and what you want to do about that (ie work more now, work longer, cut expenses, downsize in retirement). The problem currently is you do not have this bigger picture and you’re each making different choices about what you think without clarify or common understanding

I think you ask how he will facilitate you working more? As there will be less time to run the household. Explain how you felt when you were working full time. Maybe you will consider working more once you only have ond child at home? That's what I have done

I think you're jealous. Op carry on. Life is not all about working.

Gosh if I could earn that doing 22 hours a week I would jump at the chance. Life is for living and tomorrow is never guaranteed. It’s great you can pick up more hours if needed though

Also people need to understand the difference between self employed and employed. Self
Employed you often work a lot more hours at the beginning, you also don't get holiday, sick pay, pension benefits etc so your salary has to be more to reflect that.

OP I’m the same, I earn £50 p/h work 21 hours a week. I also do all the domestic labour with two small kids. I do have a cleaner though and make my life easier with gusto boxes etc.

There is loads of work for me and I have to stand really firm and say no, 21 hours is the max. I went up to FT for a brief 6m stint to satisfy a client and if just totally flipped the balance. I’ve just found a sweet spot between earning a decent amount and balancing life. Its perfect.

life is about more than burn out, your DH can presumably also reduce his hours and look for ways to cut expenditure. Is you continuing to work his retirement plan?

What an awful post.

Yes - it also carries more risk. I don’t get paid for sickness or holidays. Which is fine, but it makes your earnings more unpredictable.

She earns between £48,000 and £72,000 per year, the equivalent of a decent full time wage and does most of the stuff around the house. Are you saying that she isn't pulling her weight?

Haha! You're just jealous that OP is able to earn the equivalent of a really decent full-time wage by working part-time hours. Her knowledge/skills are obviously very much in demand.

As she also does pretty much all the cooking and cleaning, she's hardly lazy. She just has a really good work/life balance which also allows her to support her family financially and practically.

OP you are not in the wrong here. Of course you should have balance and time for housework and being a mother. I don't think he's given you a good reason to give that up.

You two need a sit down talk. Perhaps you can understand where his worries are coming from and you can explain how you need time for everything else you do.

I think you are absolutely right to maintain your stance. You have found a balance that works for you and your family. Especially as you are financially stable.The unpredictablity of his illness also means you need capacity to pick up everything around the house. Looking after someone with such a chronic illness also takes it's toll on you.
Am in a slightly different situation but am unable to work due to an unpredictable chronic illness. My DH is semi retired , (with some minor health issues himself). We also have children. It means he can work, do some of what's needed round the house, care for the children (as and when).and support me as required.

Probably because with a 20 year age gap, by the time she retires, he will no longer be around! Given that her retirement is near enough 30 years away (due to increases in pension age) and he's almost retirement age now and has ill health.

But it doesn't work for the family. It doesn't work for her husband. Is he not part of the family or fo his views not count?

If she already does the lions share ...and earns the lions share ...

He could do less than the less he does already. He's not in a position to demand.

I think I'd be inclined to work more hours for 2 weeks and let EVERYTHING else go.

So ....nothing else gets done or achieved. No housework/cooking/kids stuff

See what his reaction is

Jealous?

It does work though. They have good quality of life, good pensions, savings, second property (!) and a good income.

He just wants to get more for - I don't know - emergency scenarios he may be picturing that haven't happened?

I don't think he's being reasonable. I think he needs to discuss his worries and whether they are rational.