Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

Your gut is right it will be a shit show and the house sounds cramped anyway. Ray is an adult man he needs to get his own place if he wants to decide who gets to live there with him. He is welcome to leave, you should tell him so.

You tell him that if he is unable to respect the rules of your home that he can leave and find somewhere else to live! How dare he dictate to you, who you can have in YOUR home.

What he's telling you that you, your husband or daughter aren't allowed to have anyone to stay in your own home? What a cheek tell him to get lost! He doesn't get to make the rules. If he don't like it he can leave!

The dynamic sounds strange here. Are you saying you messaged on a home group chat - you, your daughter, your partner and Ray - that you were unhappy with Ray's friend staying, and your partner has replied saying either Ray's friend stays or you and your daughter are never allowed to have any visitors stay over?

Surely you should sort this out face to face with your partner, and inform Ray of your joint decision.

Is the house in your partner's name and do you contribute rent or mortgage? In a well established mutually respectful partnership you'd think this shouldn't matter, and of course he would not insist on anyone staying who you are uncomfortable with... It's such a cliche this is a partner problem more than a Ray problem.

Reading PPs I may have leapt to the wrong conclusion in who the "he" is who is telling you you can't have visitors. If so apologies, ignore the above.

Ilovecakey no it's MY partner who's saying that if Ray can have this woman to stay then me and my daughter can't have anyone either!

So consequently we have now had a falling out

• if Ray can't, sorry!

Whose house is it?

Give Ray notice to leave. He's the lodger, he doesn't get to decide what happens in YOUR family home.

Is it your house? If your partner doesn't back you on this, I'd give him his marching orders as well. If it's his house, I'd be looking to leave with your dd asap.

Glamiss yes your first paragraph was correct
And yes I think it's a partner problem as you say

Oh wow so it's your partner saying that you're not allowed visitors? Maybe him and Ray should find their own place together!!!

Just don't,there was a thread where someone took in a friend and they were the guest from hell and it was a nightmare to get rid.
Fuck taking in a complete stranger with issues.
It will end in tears that's for sure.

Your partner is being as arse.

For clarification, the house is rented and in mine and my partner's names.
The landlord is aware of our long term guests i.e Ray and my daughter and we all pay 1/4 rent and bills.
I hope that helps and thanks everyone for your answers x

OK thanks for clarifying. I still lthk k this needs to be sorted out between you and partner if it's your lease.

However, it sounds a bit like in your mind, it's your and your partner's house where Ray lodges. Lodgers have fewer rights than housemates. Whereas in Ray and your partner's minds it is a house share and no one really needs permission from anyone else to have guests. This is not giving you any answers but I wonder if something along those lines might help you pick your way through this with your partner.

Your DP, Ray and mystery woman can find their own place.

Your DP is a fuckwit thinking this woman can stay. Red flags everywhere.

and worse than being a fuckwit is his tantrum about you/your dd not being allowed friends/BF over as a result.

he sounds really thick.

Wtf is wrong with your partner?

You and your daughter should move out and get yourself a place of your own. I don't know why you let that creep live with you. Your partner sounds absolutely bloody useless as well.

This woman sounds like she's going to be a second lodger, not a guest. A couple of nights as Ray's guest is one thing, but who's going to pay her share of the utilities, for example, if she stays longer (it sounds as if she plans to)?
Is Ray willing to pay 2/5's of the rent and bills to cover her expenses?

Not that I'd agree to this anyway, it sounds like a potential disaster.

I agree with @healthybychristmas, you and your DD should look for your own place and leave these two daft men behind.

Help Ray find a place and the woman can move in with him.

Your partner sounds absolutely batshit? Why on earth would he allow for a complete stranger to move into your home? Additionally, why does he rule the roost to who has guest and who doesn’t?

You sound like you have two controlling males in your house? Ray doesn’t sound like somebody I’d want to live with either!

The two male 1/4 rent and bill payers think they can move a woman in for free then?

On top of that they want to tell the two female 1/4 rent and bill payers they must agree to pay 1/4 each towards this extra person or never be allowed a guest of their own for even one one night.

Who is paying for the food she's going to eat. Who is paying for her toiletries, laundry costs, internet access, entertainment access, parking costs etc.

Who is putting up with any potentially shitty behaviour seeing as her man friend, who is desperate to fuck her, is off at work all week.

Does SHE know her male bestie only wants desperately to fuck her. Does she know that she, who the men seem to have decided, is destined to be her male friend's weekend fuck toy because I seriously doubt it.

Tell the two dick swingers to fuck off and pay 1/2 each to keep this woman with "issues" in other accommodation and, please, warn her about the fucking she is going to expected to pay with.

I would agree to a strict one week visit from Ray's friend.
Ray and she both know the strict terms.
Your husband should be suggesting that if Ray is unhappy with this, then Ray and his friend should find their own accommodation.

I think your husband is too reliant on living with Ray.