Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

How long is your lease for OP? I would probably get in touch with the landlord explain what’s happening and say you and your daughter need to leave, yes costs might increase for you and your daughter but you won’t have a creep( s) living with you and by the sounds of it you will be better off emotionally, I’d also consider ending the relationship with your partner - what man is happy for his friend to move in with him and then someone else again, seems strange, does your partner have financial troubles? Either way start looking for a place for you and your daughter even a nice little 2 bed flat and take all your stuff when you go,,, your do and ray and this woman can all buy more together

Oh and I wouldn’t tell him you are looking - when the new lease is signed tell him when your moving out

Your house, your rules. I would not be tolerating Roy making them under my roof. He can find somewhere else and his little no coper bird too. Seems they all need their mammies.

YANBU

Would be a hard no from me. I wouldn’t want to have a stranger move permanently into my home. You presumably don’t need an extra person living there. Plus, the woman sounds in a vulnerable state and Ray shouldn’t be offering to let her sleep in his bedroom. You would be complicit.

Sounds like your DP views it as a house share with his mate, not a home with his partner and her DD. I suggest you and your daughter get your own little place and leave your DP to it with Ray.

You and your partner should be the ones discussing and deciding. Because you both rent the property. This woman must not move in, because she will never leave. He should move out and find somewhere gor them both. Whenever someone is described as having issues, it usually means that they get angry and unreasonable often. I'd look for a flat and move out with my daughter. How long do you have on your rental agreement?

Do not apologise.

You are not remotely wrong.

He's just trying to force you back into line.

Your partner sounds like weak man that won't stand up to another man but would happily manipulate a women. Weak and pathetic.

All sounds a right mess. You need to have a sensible meeting with you, Ray and your partner, explain that you don't feel right about it and you would like Ray to explore other options. I agree that 1 or 2 nights will be longer term and has the potential to rip your own relationships apart. So you are risking losing everything because of a lodger. Your DP needs to understand this also.

Look up the definition of an HMO and present your partner with the facts. You could even ring the local council, stay anon, say that you are considering sharing your home with others and confirm that this would be an HMO. It could cause your landlord a lot of trouble.
I let flat to two couples for just a year once, they needed some short-term help. Had to meet all the HMO requirements.
As for your partner's nasty attitude to you and your daughter, well that's a whole other thing to think about isn't it?

Exactly this

Eew, it sounds like your DP was superkeen to have a single woman living in his house, and cant handle you saying no to this. I wonder if he would have felt the same if Ray was moving in a single bloke.

Either way, you did the right thing and his reaction would have me and my daughter packing up and leaving them to it.

Ray is a twat. Your DP is a fuckwit.
id move out with DD and leave them to it. No way would I live with Ray who frankly just wants a shag pad.

I think as you say, you have a partner problem. You don’t know this woman - but what you do know is that she clearly has problems. You also know that she has refused to have anything to do with you and your family until circumstances have forced her to, and yet despite this Ray and your DH are proposing that she now spend the majority of the week alone with you while Ray works away.

l’d be furious with my DH for putting me in such a position. Ray is basically pushing an unknown, unstable woman fresh out of a long term relationship onto all of you, and your DH is blindly supporting him without consultation and without a single thought to the possible consequences. Who pays her contribution towards rent, food etc, or are you all supposed to muck in and split the cost between you ? And if you don’t mind me saying so, Ray sounds like a complete arsehole. What happens when he achieves his goal of having sex with her and then inevitably wants to dump her ? It’s going to be a shit show.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond.
It's certainly making me rethink my relationship with my DP as I see the truth in the comments that I can relate to.

Fundamentally your partner views the property and your living arrangements vastly different to you. To him, he's living in a house share, as you're all paying 1/4 towards the rent/bills. You are viewing the property as you and your partners home, and have allowed two lodgers, Ray and your daughter, to live at the property. Your partner sees nothing wrong in allowing another person to join the house share, probably because he thinks she'll be contributing financially, so again less for everyone else to pay. You see a complete stranger moving into your home, who you don't know, and possibly comes with a lot of baggage. The fact your partner isn't viewing the property as YOUR home, as in both of you, is quite concerning. Would it actually matter to him if you moved out?! Or would he just add Ray to the rental agreement instead?! Honestly, I feel that your partner doesn't particularly care about you or your feelings/opinions. You don't agree with this woman moving in, but I think it will happen regardless of your feelings. I would look for another property for you and your daughter, once you find one, give your landlord notice. I'm not convinced your partner will be that bothered if you move out, only who's going to pay your and your daughter's share of the rent/bills.

This totally, he's a user (using you) and this woman is using him, but that doesn't mean he as a lodger can move her in.

I would just ask him to leave, end of. He doesn't sound like a good person to have around.

I am in complete shock at what I have just read!

Your “partner” is a complete dick. I remember years back being told to judge men on the company they keep.

In your situation I would move out with my daughter. Do you want her thinking this is acceptable? That men can plough on with complete disregard for their partners wishes and punish them if they don’t get their own way “”no one can stay” - he can fuck that right off.

Get rid. Ray and your partner are both creepy wasters.

I think it's a bit of a drip feed that you all pay 1/4 rent. It isn't your house with DP then, you're all contributing equally as though it's a house share which changes things. You clearly don't view it this way and see it as your house with DP. You can't expect others to contribute equally, but for your wishes to be final sorry.

I agree with you this woman sounds a nightmare but this situation is of your own making.

Ray is creepy and pathetic and your 'D'P sounds like a dick. TBH, if I were you, I'd be looking for a new place to live for myself and my DD.

Sorry if I’ve missed this but is your partner your daughter’s father?

Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.

So he's not really fine but your partner values him as a friend & is happy to have him move a vulnerable(?) woman into his bed.

If its a rented property and Ray is not on the lease then your landlord would not be happy with the sub letting situation (if he has any sense).

OP has already updated that the landlord knows about Ray and is fine with it. He’s a lodger, not a tenant.

TheEllisGreyMethod I think I see it as 'our house ' because we've been here for several years before they moved in.

You and your DD have boundaries your DP is not accepting. Why is that?

If you can afford a place of your own I'd do that, I could not be with a man who didn't fight my or my DDs corner and put a friend over our wellbeing and boundaries.

Honestly this is a relationship killer for me.

This is the response you give.
I first read this as though Ray had given you these Terms & Conditions only to read on that it was your partner!!!

Time to give your so called partner their marching orders too. Time for Ray to leave and find somewhere else to live and definitely time for this partner to get a wake up call about what is and isn't acceptable in your home.

If he isn't happy with the rules now, then he can leave. He is the lodger in your home and he can find somewhere else to stay.

Oh - and if you're not allowed to have anyone to stay over, that would include your partner as well, wouldn't it??