Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

Ghostlygirl no he's her, stepfather

OP explained that Ray is in effect a lodger. He isn’t on the lease and LL has given permission for him to lodge. That’s not the same thing as a house share

She's moving in? Ray is desperate for a shag isn't he. sleeping in his room, but as friends 😂

It will all end in tears if she moves in.

Well if Ray pays the same amount as others in the house, then he should have the same rights as others in the house.

To be honest, he's a house share person.

That said, how many nights does your dd bf stay over? Is it permanent? One night a week? if not, then Rays (non)gf should be able to stay one night or similar as the bf stays - but not move in

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Asking because from one angle, he could have been your daughters stepday for the last 20 years, from another POV, he could have moved into you and DDS home 5 years ago, then moved his mate in, then tried bullying you into having a third person joining the living situation.

Either way, I think he's being a controlling knob.

But one of the above paints him as an idiot arsehole losing face and manipulating you into doing what he wants by name-calling and stropping, the other makes him appear like a walking red flag destined to appear on a depressing documentary about cuckooing.

Ignoring the fact that your DP is a complete prick.

Might be worth having a read of your local councils website. Where I live your landlord would need a HMO license for a house consisting of 5 or more people and/or 2 households.

I absolutely wouldn’t let this happen, even before being told she apparently has a lot of issues and will struggle to find somewhere to live because she can’t cope.

Let your partner and his mate find accommodation together and she can live with them. Can get some reasonable prices at Premier Inn.

NO do not let her through the door. And OP, the usual stuff. Get your ducks in a row for getting out of this shitshow.

It’s not Ray saying that if this woman can’t stay then no one else can have guests. It’s her DH !!

For years this woman has refused to meet you now she wants to live with you! That would be a flat no! Not a chance in hell.

Who owns the house - you or joint with your partner? How many bathrooms? Surely its going to be a squash with another adult? Why cany Ray and his friend rent somewhere together if he's so desperate

This is too confusing.

You say that your Partner is your daughter's step father meaning that he isn't just your partner, he's your husband??

My advice would be to contact the letting agent and tell them that you're planning on moving out. Try to find somewhere that you can afford 100% on your own (or if your daughter is of an age where she could contribute financially to the home, let her contribute).

These two blokes deserve each other!

I think this is a great point. OP doesn’t seem to have any agency in the decision but the LL can put a stop to it if she tells him what’s happening. Assuming she wants to stay with her DH after he’s clearly shown her how little she means to him.

I’d be out of there with my DD like a shot and leave your useless partner and Ray to it.

Ray has overstayed his welcome - he sounds vile.
Your DP isn’t much better either. Whose idea was it to have Ray move in, in the first place?

This sounds like a house share. However, even so you cannot just move someone in. She isn't moving in but I would put it to them that she then pays a fifth of everything.

But I would move myself and my DD out and let the three of them get on with it.

He’s not a ‘house share’ person he’s not on the lease - only OP and her DH are. He’s a lodger with the permission of the LL and not entitled to move anyone else in.

I would be suggesting to my partner that he share with ray as I’m very uncomfortable sharing with someone who thinks the two women he lives with don’t get to have boundaries on who else lives there. Do not back down.

He’s not on the lease so it can’t be a house share. If this woman moved in it would effectively be two different households which could be classed as an HMO. The LL would have to be on board and the property would have to meet the standards.

@TrickySituation22 why doesn't your DP share with Ray and the other woman?

Or even better, the three of them can get a house together!

I'd be furious with your DP as his loyalty should be with you and not Ray.

I should be an outright NO to this woman staying.

Sorry just seen it's rented in joint names. If she moves in doesn't the landlord have to register it as an HMO as there'll be 5 adults? If it's a 3 bed semi is Ray or your daughter in the box room? Are you going to be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning for this lot after she moves in?
If Ray moved in as a lodger to ease your finances then I can sort of understand, but tbh its all a bit studenty.

Her moving in sounds like a recipe for drama and disaster tbh.

Just had a google on my LA website and if she moved in it would be classed as a HMO - two different households totalling five people. OP needs to talk to her LL and make them aware of what’s being proposed because they’re effectively changing the use of the property.

How long has he been on the scene?

Can't you read? Its her partner, not Ray, setting the terms.

Partner (not Ray) said nobody else can sleep. Read!

Your husband is being well out of order here. My husband would never be telling me anyone was staying; he would be asking, and I would be the same in reverse. The problem is with your husband, not Ray (and I thought it was obvious from your original post who was saying what, btw - don't know why so many people thought Ray was the one dictating the terms of his stay!). Making threats re your daughter's boyfriend etc staying in future is not cool at all.