Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

Because you don't want Ray's hope of bedding said woman in your house..I'd be telling him fuck right off.

The OP and her DP are in the rental agreement, they decide.

The other two have no rights.

This is a house share with two named people on the lease. It sounds like Ray and your partner consider Ray more a housemate or that your partner considers himself someone who can make decisions unilaterally or on your behalf.
it sound like the landlord has allowed a third person to stay in the house even though they are not on the lease , but as you and your partner are on the lease, you are both responsible for any damage or rent default from Ray and anyone else you bring into your home. Are you allowed a fifth person under the term of your rental agreement (you wouldn't be on mine). Ultimately, as named tenants on the lease, you have not just the responsibility but the shared decision-making power with your partner, not Ray. Your partner is out of order for making this his decision and for prioritising ray over you.
On top of this, Rays decision is impractical and puts the burden on you working from home. Perhaps you think of this as your family home and ray thinks of it as a house share and your partner thinks of himself as having more of a say everyone needs to clarify living arrangements? Maybe your partner prioritises ray over you or maybe he feels you humiliated him by pushing back in a group chat. Either way ray sounds a nightmare and your partner is out of line. Don't let the woman in the house!

How Laughable.

You'd be insane to let then move in and honestly ypu dont sound happy about Ray either.
Perhaps this is the catslyst Ray needs to get out of your house.

Also the pure misogyny that Ray only bothered to consult "the man of the house," and that the "man of the house" unilayetally decided.

I dont say this likely but this is a hill I'd die on. No apologies no concessions

Your dickhead partner is 💯 in the wrong.

So is the poster who think ray has rights - he is a lodger anda moocher from the sounds of it He has close to no rights.
Also who wants FIVE people in a 3 bed 😱

As its come to a head you need to tackle this head on.

How much time is left on the lease?

Can you afford to live with just you and your daughter?

Your partner is not your partner. You are being used to subsidise rent so he and Ray can live like 'Men behaving badly'.

You need to have a very serious talk with your partner about Ray moving out. If he refuses then you need to make plans yourself to move or take over the lease.

Ray wants to offer a place to stay, to a vulnerable woman, he wants to have sex with…. And this place is his bedroom. Sex Offender behaviour

I would look for somewhere just you and your daughter.

Wow! Your DP is a complete arse. It's bad enough he wants his misogynist pal staying all the time but who does he think he is that he can demand another person - a stranger (with issues) - starts living with you. He sounds very controlling, the way he's reacted to you and your DD standing your ground. You may need to remind him that your name is on the rental agreement too, and you get an equal say in who lives in the house. If he won't budge on this, and it's typical of his behaviour, then time to part ways.

That’s so unreasonable. No way would I be having this. Your partner is being a dick saying no one to stay ever. Such a piss take. I’d get rid of your partner too. He should be on your side. Your home is your sanctuary. Keep it that way.

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO STAY “FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS”. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE!

yes im shouting. Yes I speak from experience. Yes it will break you and your relationship.

I think it’s time Ray put his big boy pants on and found his own place to live, like a real grown up.

Yes - I would too.

And, lets be honest, ‘Ray’ sounds like a bit of a loser too; crude comments about women, yet desperately trying to find one who might sleep with him (unlikely I’m afraid, ‘Ray’, sorry) and consequently allows himself to be used and humiliated.

I’d want him out of there, to be honest - and if my partner didn’t agree, well he can go with him.

This Ray character sounds like a real wazzock yet you’re DP really likes him? Is your DP actually a bit of a wazzock to?

Absolutely this!

Tbh I wouldnt have let Ray stay either given his comments towards women when he is in fact a guest of a woman in her home.

Id boot him and the dp out.

Ew, I wouldn't want a random woman staying with me either having sex in the next bedroom. Ray sounds like a sex offender too. I'd be seriously rethinking this whole living arrangement.

How long have you lived in the house, and has Ray been there the whole time?

Roy and your partner seems to have forgotten that Roy is a lodger. He gets no say in who stays over and he doesn't get to move people in.

He needs to find somewhere else to live, you can easily find another lodger.

Her being a user etc doesn't need to be part of any discussion.

Controlling because you don't want a 5th adult, a random woman you've never met, living there?

The problem is, Ray and your p don't see this as your house. They see it as a general house share.

How long have you been with your P? Did he move in with you or did you get the house together?

I think you need to remind Ray he's renting a room in your home, you make the rules, not him, and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.

I think your partner needs to swallow their pride, and you have to tell Ray; it's been fine having you here whilst you were single, but it's not possible to have you here as a couple... We're glad you're moving on with your life, but if you're moving in with a lady 'friend' then you'll have to spread your wings and find your own place.

Ray is very very cheeky. Also having a friend to stay is rather different from housing a homeless woman you have never met, who also seems to have some issues. You will never get rid of them.

Ray sounds creepy AF. He has been a total predator of this woman, and he is now going to press his advantage under the guise of offering sanctuary.
He sounds vile.
I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me.

Don't accept this women into your home.

Tell DH it is a complete different story if you, he or your daughter want guests for the night. Ray is a lodger

Is your DH usually such a dick?