Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

Looking at it from what it essentially is - its a house share with four adults equally sharing?

I'm not sure why the OP decides whether the other three people can have guests stay over anymore than her partner decides they can't.

This isn't a case of Ray 'renting a room' in the short-term. He has been renting and paying for one quarter of the outgoings for years. He has a right to have somebody stay with him (short term at least) as much as the OP's daughter has the right to have somebody stay with her short-term. It can't be one rule for one tenant and another rule for someone else.

@Anewyearanewday Only the OP and her DP are on the lease though, they’re the only official tenants. Ray and the OP’s daughter aren’t tenants.

YANBU
Find your rental contract and read what it says about lodgers. You are responsible for all house decisions along with DP. So make sure your voice is heard equally and that you do things correctly.
Is there room for an extra person….How many bedrooms and bathrooms are there in your house? Can you argue that there isn’t enough room?

If Ray and this non-coping friend are staying together in one room, are there two beds? It is hardly a safe space for her after the end of her relationship, especially if he will be coercing her into having sex she maybe doesn't want and has resisted so far. I don’t blame you for not wanting to condone or get involved this closely in his rescue relationship with her. She sounds very vulnerable. It has disaster written all over it and won’t end well.

Ray should do the decent thing and help his non-coping friend find her own lodgings. He is in no position himself to assume he can bring extra people to stay in your home. Your DP should have consulted you first. Also, DP’s new rule argument is juvenile.
Good luck with putting your foot down.

This ^

Is the rent going to be split by 5 once she moves in?

Except Ray's friend doesn't have a home, unlike DD's BF so she isn't a guest, she's moving in. I'm assuming everyone has to agree when someone moves in.

This kind of teenage/student life gets old. I'd be looking at a more settled home.

The OP and her partner obviously need Ray and the daughter's financial contribution in order to continue living in the house themselves.

Your husband is being unreasonable . Ray needs to move on . Time to get rid of him

Your husband's reasoning is off. You and he are on the lease, so you two get final say on who gets to stay in the house because you two are carrying the risk, even if the expenses are split equally.

And the situation of a friend of yours or your daughter's BF staying is completely different. You've met these people before, for a start, and they are guests who have their own place to go back to. Ray's friend doesn't and she also doesn't sound like she's in a position where she will easily find a place of her own, so you might be stuck with her for ages.

I do think PP who has pointed out Ray probably views it as a houseshare where everyone gets a say is correct, and I'd be explaining the difference when it comes to the lease. If Ray can't accept this, then the arrangement has probably run its course. Can you afford to cover the rent without Ray's contribution?

You aren't being unreasonable. But it's possible your partner spoke before his brain was fully engaged and got himself cornered with his words. You discussing the issue openly with others probably didn't help. If it might work, I suggest trying a calm discussion alone with your partner, remembering that you're supposed to be on the same team. As is, it sounds like you've all teamed up into two alliances, you and your daughter against your partner and his pal.

Also, I'm wondering what you mean by "partner." That could range from someone you've known for a few weeks to someone who you practically raised your grown daughter with. How far in you are (or want to remain) with this guy might weigh heavily in considering your next move.

But from what you've said, it sounds like the partner's buddy roommate situation is no longer working out. It sounds like an unstable set-up to begin with. That's more a living arrangement college kids might have than suitable for a couple with a grown child. He wants to bring his chaotic romantic relationship into the middle of a family. I think it would be too much even if the woman wasn't a problem person.

I suggest talking to your partner about breaking up this whole living situation. You and him and your daughter in one home. His buddy and the buddy's female friend in another home. I'd be sure to have this talk without your daughter present, so your partner doesn't feel outnumbered.

Second choice is possibly to consider not doing anything else at this time. It's likely to turn into a disaster in short order anyway. So you could just stay out of the way and advise your daughter to do the same. If you give it a little time, the situation might implode on its own. It might even be amusing to watch. :p

Third option is to reconsider the relationship with your partner. Does this mean it might be over?

Well, that's all I have. Please keep us posted and good luck.

I know @Anewyearanewday , but as @Fourecks says, the OP and her partner are the people carrying the risk and responsibility as the official tenants. Letting someone whom they’ve never met stay for an indefinite period of time is risky and potentially expensive. I can imagine a scenario where she says that she needs to save a deposit and therefore can’t contribute to the bills…and in the current rental market, she could be there for months before she finds a place!

Just say NO! You'll never get rid of them. No no no absolutely not. Even for a night.

I agree with this. You are in a house share but thinking it’s a family home. Your DP is reliving his student years with his bestie Ray, and because he sees this as a house share he can’t see why you are being sensitive to someone else coming into your space. It sounds like you need to consider moving out as your relationship is perhaps not what you thought it was.

OP this all sounds very unstable. Not least of which is sharing a house with a guy who already gives you the 'ick' and makes inappropriate comments about women - and your DD is also living there?! That would be enough to send me to the hills.
As for the non-coper, platonic "roommate" situation - yiiiiiikes! I might consider a back up plan?

Your partner is unreasonable here, why is he so keen for this woman to stay? Is it because he agreed to it, and he is now embarrassed to have to tell him no?

Yanbu and your partner's nasty vengeful reaction to your reasonable discomfort shows a seriously unpleasant side of his personality. You and DD have the right to refuse a new longterm housemate and your partner also has the right to refuse a new longterm housemate. None of you have the rightto impose a new housemate on the others but acquiring a new longterm housemate is a totally different thing to hosting a friend overnight occasionally. It doesn't sound like having Ray as a long term housemate is that "fine" tbh. Growing up with that constant misogyny will be havinb a negative effect on your DD's wellbeing. But does your DP notice the misogyny? Or is he just as bad?

Sorry Ray, but this just won't be happening. TBH we were thinking about discussing when you'd be moving on, so now is as good a time as any - perhaps you could get a place together? Either way, we're not having another guest, even for a few nights.

Yeah, your partner's totally illogical; a long-term additional roommate is an entirely different situation from an overnight guest. If he wants to argue that a fifth person should move in/that Ray should be allowed a long-erm houseguest, then he should argue that, not arbitrarily and unilaterally try to change another long-standing house rule you've all agreed to. Is he normally a bully?

Why is he "embarrassed" about a group chat? Even if someone in the house has had a long-term guest before, that doesn't mean that THIS long-term guest is OK if there are specific objections. I'd try to compromise on her staying a specific number of nights (and parking elsewhere), but go with your gut - if you have reason to believe she'd refuse to leave then that's an easier issue to prevent ahead of time than after she's arrived.

Get Ray out!!!

Could you tip off the landlord? Maybe they might not be open to someone living there for free.

Agreed.. Ray's a prick..ta ta Ray🙋

Dump the partner and shack up with Ray..job done!
What a strange carry on, it all seems very dysfunctional.

Let me guess, it was your DPs idea for ray to move in to begin with?

Even if it is a houseshare - didn't any of you have the inevitable argument when a housemate's boyfriend/girlfriend started staying over every night?

Once they're spending all or most of their lives in the shared house, they're no longer a visitor but living there. They have to pay an equal share of all the bills and do their share of chores. Nobody likes this, but it's a long-accepted fact.

Your DP, Ray and Mrs User-of-Thicf-Ignorant men should takexa long walk of a short cliff.
Your DP is extremely out of order.

Is the property a registered HMO?

You have more than one household sharing common spaces, you will need to look at your councils rules as it is likely the landlord needs to get a license for this HMO.