Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted potential guest...please help!

304 replies

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:35

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

OP posts:
EmberAsh · 18/02/2025 09:01

I think you should compromise. If Ray pays 1/4 then it is more of a house share situation than you originally implied. Create an agreement that she can stay for a set period you are all happy with such as 3 months with a contribution of X amount for bills. An understanding at the end that she will move out again. Knowing her history of using and dumping she has no interest in Ray long term so let him see this first hand. He can help her on her feet and she will no doubt be in someone else's bed by the summer. Hopefully it will be the wake up call he needs to move on.

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:02

Slimbear · 18/02/2025 02:26

Help Ray find a place and the woman can move in with him.

Is there a reason Ray can't find himself a place to live?
Its depressing, every problem seems to be for women to solve even if they had no hand in causing it

HeadacheEarthquake · 18/02/2025 09:02

www.gov.uk/private-renting/houses-in-multiple-occupation

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2025 09:07

No way on this earth would I be apologising to your partner! What have you done wrong?
If you can afford to, I'd clear off with DD and leave the three pricks to live in their weird setup!

Bloom15 · 18/02/2025 09:08

Partner is being an arse - I would move out and share with daughter. 'D'P can live with Ray and random woman.

How dare he! Although I would t have let Ray stay so long either. He seems to think he has an equal vote in the household

Jeezitneverends · 18/02/2025 09:08

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 08:32

Ghostlygirl no he's her, stepfather

I knew this would be the case!
I’d be seriously considering my relationship with my partner after this…you need to protect your daughter from this shitshow

PorridgeEater · 18/02/2025 09:14

LAMPS1 · 18/02/2025 03:12

YANBU
Find your rental contract and read what it says about lodgers. You are responsible for all house decisions along with DP. So make sure your voice is heard equally and that you do things correctly.
Is there room for an extra person….How many bedrooms and bathrooms are there in your house? Can you argue that there isn’t enough room?

If Ray and this non-coping friend are staying together in one room, are there two beds? It is hardly a safe space for her after the end of her relationship, especially if he will be coercing her into having sex she maybe doesn't want and has resisted so far. I don’t blame you for not wanting to condone or get involved this closely in his rescue relationship with her. She sounds very vulnerable. It has disaster written all over it and won’t end well.

Ray should do the decent thing and help his non-coping friend find her own lodgings. He is in no position himself to assume he can bring extra people to stay in your home. Your DP should have consulted you first. Also, DP’s new rule argument is juvenile.
Good luck with putting your foot down.

This.
Once she's there you may find it very difficult to get rid of her - opens the door to unforseen circumstances. She should not come unless you and DP both agree (which you won't). DP hitting back with new "rules" is petty and unfair.

Marshbird · 18/02/2025 09:20

Itstwentytwentyfive · 18/02/2025 02:45

The two male 1/4 rent and bill payers think they can move a woman in for free then?

On top of that they want to tell the two female 1/4 rent and bill payers they must agree to pay 1/4 each towards this extra person or never be allowed a guest of their own for even one one night.

Who is paying for the food she's going to eat. Who is paying for her toiletries, laundry costs, internet access, entertainment access, parking costs etc.

Who is putting up with any potentially shitty behaviour seeing as her man friend, who is desperate to fuck her, is off at work all week.

Does SHE know her male bestie only wants desperately to fuck her. Does she know that she, who the men seem to have decided, is destined to be her male friend's weekend fuck toy because I seriously doubt it.

Tell the two dick swingers to fuck off and pay 1/2 each to keep this woman with "issues" in other accommodation and, please, warn her about the fucking she is going to expected to pay with.

This see,s at root of legal situation…unless Ray and daughter are subletting and it’s only OP and partner on rental agreement?

either way though, I’d be taking the line of moving out fast and saying new women can replace me on the rental agreement, and find new place for me and daughter.

so I’d give him that ultimatum- you didn’t move in with him for him to use it as a lodge house for every mate of his that he wants, and no he doesn’t get to choose who visits and stays based on randoms that you’ve never met or even know. And especially with individuals that are coming with issues that may result in you being part of of sitting tenant issue. If that’s how he wants to play it you and daughter will move out and he can pick up rental by himself .

If he doesn’t see sense, id then be informaing landlprd that this guest is intending to move in, with no tenenwcy and isseus - as landlord I’d be putting a block on that due to concern around sitting tenant. I’d be concnered about the other mate too if not on tenancy as landlord- fast way to squatters.

Op , start looking immedately for new rental place and then give notice to my landlord. Check your tenenwcy as it may be you’re tied into it with partner . Get advice form citizen advice if this is case.

Diningtableornot · 18/02/2025 09:23

Your partner is being absolutely outrageous. He has no right to bring a stranger into your home without you and DD being on board with it.

Butt out of the question of whether Ray is being taken advantage of in his quest for sex, it's not the point, and focus on your own relationship.
You need to tell Ray yourself that you will not have his friend to stay even for one night; end of. Then look at your own relationship.

Mauro711 · 18/02/2025 09:23

Does the fact that it was yours and you DDs home first for a long time mean that you can afford to cover the rent by yourself? If so, just terminate Ray's contract and get your partner to leave and live in peace with your DD. I know she's an adult but I wouldn't want my DD to live with two unrelated men that are decades older than her.

HereBeWormholes · 18/02/2025 09:25

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 06:33

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

He says you're 'jealous'?! Does he fancy his chances with this woman too? 🤨

She sounds vulnerable, for her own sake, as well as yours, I hope she doesn't come into this pressured situation with at least one predatory male...

Sunshinedayscomeon · 18/02/2025 09:27

A home is a persons sanctuary. Go for with your heart, do not apologies for protecting your space in your home. If this was my partner/DH I would be calmly advising him that I hurt and disappointed in his reaction and that you needed time to reflect.

I'd also have words with Ray.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2025 09:33

MissUltraViolet · 18/02/2025 08:37

Ignoring the fact that your DP is a complete prick.

Might be worth having a read of your local councils website. Where I live your landlord would need a HMO license for a house consisting of 5 or more people and/or 2 households.

I absolutely wouldn’t let this happen, even before being told she apparently has a lot of issues and will struggle to find somewhere to live because she can’t cope.

Let your partner and his mate find accommodation together and she can live with them. Can get some reasonable prices at Premier Inn.

Edited

That’s a fab reason to refuse this woman moving in, very useful. Ultimately, tho, I’m probably the 100th person to say your dp is being an idiot. Having someone move in is a different scenario from your dd’s bf occasionally staying over and has he form you’re both on the tenancy?

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:34

From my experience with Rental agreements there have to be "permitted occupiers", is Ray one of these?
If not you may be in breach of your Tenancy Agreement already, even before Rays friend moves in

Echobelly · 18/02/2025 09:35

No, there are red flags everywhere before you have even met her, and red flags for her with 'Ray' as well.

Floppyelf · 18/02/2025 09:37

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 08:32

Ghostlygirl no he's her, stepfather

Time to make him an ex stepfather

nodramaplz · 18/02/2025 09:38

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 06:33

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

Maybe your hubby wants the woman to stay 😬

XiCi · 18/02/2025 09:40

Just NO. This would only end in disaster. Your DP sounds like a grade A prick. Why is he so keen on this woman moving in? And why is he screaming at you that you're jealous? Why would you be jealous of a woman your lodger fancies? Makes no sense

housethatbuiltme · 18/02/2025 09:41

Ray is a 'nice guy'... skin crawl territory and I wouldn't have it round my daughter.

ImmediateReaction · 18/02/2025 09:41

artfuldodgerjack · 18/02/2025 01:50

Oh wow so it's your partner saying that you're not allowed visitors? Maybe him and Ray should find their own place together!!!

This.

Tell them both to sod off

NotMuchOfABargain · 18/02/2025 09:43

I would not want to be with a man who put my daughter’s boyfriend in the same category as his friend’s ex partner.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 18/02/2025 09:45

Your DPs reaction is insane.

No way will the new woman pay her share of the bills or rent as Ray will make the excuse that she's in with him so it's on his dime. Fucks sake.

Get you and your daughter out of this shitshow. Your DP has shown his true colours.

thinktwice36 · 18/02/2025 09:49

“coming to live with us until she can find somewhere”

Not a chance. She sounds as feckless as Ray and about as likely to speedily sort herself alternative accommodation as I am to win the lottery.

Squigglesandgiggles · 18/02/2025 09:52

Jesus. Couldn’t be assed with this. I’d find somewhere else with my daughter, then him and ray can play hotels as much as they like

Glamiss · 18/02/2025 09:59

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 06:33

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

He really does see himself as boss and arbiter here, doesn't he? There's a pecking order with him at the top, Ray then you.

Even allowing for a lodger vs housemate difference of opinion, it's absolute bare minimum that he should show some respect to his partner's feelings on this. He didn't even pay you the respect of discussing it with you before overruling you in "public". Demanding an apology from you at this point is deflecting from the disrespect he is still showing you.

Question to ponder - you don't need to answer - why did you communicate your objection to her moving in on the group WhatsApp, rather than discussing it with your partner? I don't think that would be a usual way for someone in a couple to go about saying no to this, even in a house share scenario.