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Original poster

Unwanted potential guest...please help!

304 replies

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:35

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

OP posts:
khooper28 · 20/02/2025 16:10

I would say that if you’re open to it that Ray is okay to have this woman to stay but only when he’s there and not away working. Neither you or your partner know this woman and she didn’t want to know you until she had nowhere to go and if she has issues I’d stay clear . In regards to Ray, he’s being used over and over again and allowing it because he wants to jump into bed her & she knows it so manipulates him as she has done previously! Maybe next time you discuss anything then avoid the group chat! Oh and your partner needs to grow up!

cheezncrackers · 20/02/2025 16:10

TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 22:50

Update: I've told him it's over, all he said was 'ok' and now he's putting personal insults on the group chat about me.
God I'm so over him already!

What group chat is this? You're well rid OP.

jeaux90 · 20/02/2025 17:56

Cheering you on OP!

SlightlyJaded · 20/02/2025 17:56

khooper28 · 20/02/2025 16:10

I would say that if you’re open to it that Ray is okay to have this woman to stay but only when he’s there and not away working. Neither you or your partner know this woman and she didn’t want to know you until she had nowhere to go and if she has issues I’d stay clear . In regards to Ray, he’s being used over and over again and allowing it because he wants to jump into bed her & she knows it so manipulates him as she has done previously! Maybe next time you discuss anything then avoid the group chat! Oh and your partner needs to grow up!

RTFT

T1Dmama · 20/02/2025 20:49

I’d be tempted to remove him from the group chat! 😂

Christwosheds · 20/02/2025 20:51

Ilovecakey · 18/02/2025 01:41

What he's telling you that you, your husband or daughter aren't allowed to have anyone to stay in your own home? What a cheek tell him to get lost! He doesn't get to make the rules. If he don't like it he can leave!

This !

Wsxx · 20/02/2025 21:17

NigellaAwesome · 19/02/2025 23:34

I would get the landlord on board as soon as possible and give them a heads up that you are hoping they will move out and his intention to create an unlicensed HMO. Can you afford the rent between just you and dd?

Agree.
His buddy, a lodger bringing in and intending to leave his unstable girlfriend in the house, is information the landlord needs to know.

Londonrach1 · 20/02/2025 21:21

Screen shot the messages get him off the tenancy agreement. You so lucky to learn how he such a nasty person. Move on and block him on the groups. .he luckily not your problem now. ...

Mumlaplomb · 20/02/2025 21:43

OP you have done the right thing, your home should be a safe haven. I could never have a lodger myself unless it was a family member because I couldn’t cope with this sort of issue. Your (now ex) partner sounds very immature like a teenager living with his mate and prioritising his mate not his own partner!

BuildbyNumbere · 20/02/2025 21:43

Get rid of Ray for sure and potentially your partner?!? Who wants to feel uncomfortable in their own home living with strangers … how olds your daughter? Can’t be very nice for her having Ray there anyway!

Bloom15 · 20/02/2025 21:45

Ray sounds like an incel and your ex isn't much better

Mozzarellaballs · 20/02/2025 21:50

Well done OP! How bizarre of him! Some people are married to their mates/family more than their partners.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/02/2025 22:15

@TrickySituation22 so when is he leaving??? and ray????????? I dont understand why you allowed ray to move in in the first place

Frugalgal · 20/02/2025 22:42

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:35

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

I'm sorry but you'd be mad to jeg he'd even stay for a night or two. You'll never get her out. Why is this Ray person staying either?

Do not let her stay. On no account.

MsAdaLovelace · 20/02/2025 23:11

OP when you 'screenshot' everything make sure you also email them to a another account, create a new one that he will know nothing about ... he may get hold of your phone and delete messages etc so emailing them will give you back up if you need them to show the Landlord or Police!

Do keep us updated and stay safe OP ...

EdithBond · 20/02/2025 23:32

TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 11:41

Update:
I've decided to end my relationship with DP. His behaviour over this has undoubtedly been the deciding factor, though there have been multiple other crap behaviours as well. The more I reflect and look over my diaries I see how unhappy I've been with him.
I actually feel pretty good about it, so evidently I don't have much, if any, love left for him.
I've not told him yet as he's been ignoring me for the last couple of days, demanding an 'apology' from me because I have gone against his wishes and 'haven't learned my lessons' !! FFS!
My daughter and I will remain in the house and the two males can go.
I really want to thank all you lovely people for your comments, support, insights and advice xx

Sounds like the right decision for you.

Worth being aware, if you have a joint tenancy, you can’t make him leave. But hopefully he’ll go of his own accord and you can ask the landlord for a sole tenancy or joint tenancy with your adult daughter. It’s not a given they’ll provide one, but hopefully they will.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancy_relationship_breakdown

Viviennemary · 21/02/2025 00:13

If it's your house then you make the rules. If you don't want this person staying just say no.

diddl · 21/02/2025 17:48

Has he/they made plans to move?

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 21/02/2025 23:10

This feels like its also a landlord/rent contract issue (as well as a partner issue in the way he's treating you). Ultimately if you, your daughter, husband and Ray all pay 1/4 of rent and bills then presumably the landlord has all your names down as legal tenants, you're all credit checked and referenced, he can't just move another tenant in without their permission too and without you all agreeing to the change, it's very different to an occasional overnight guest. Most landlords don't want extra tenants because its harder to maintain and potentially breach insurance or occupancy legislation. There's also the bills and utilities issue, if she becomes a 5th housemate. This is definitely a bit different to it being your house, the house belongs to your landlord and they need to know who is living there.

The relationship issue is more that your partner has chosen this friend and stranger over you both, which is weird. Given he doesn't know her and can't vouch for her either, I'm not sure why he has such loyalty to them. Personally this is a deal breaker for me, I want someone to put my needs above a friends and to understand when there's a logical reason you don't want this stranger in your home.
I'd be looking for a 2 bed rental for you and your daughter and the other three of them can enjoy the house without you tbh.

khooper28 · 19/03/2025 11:57

What does RTFT mean please?

khooper28 · 19/03/2025 11:59

SlightlyJaded · 20/02/2025 17:56

RTFT

Show quote history

What does it mean?

Member984815 · 19/03/2025 12:01

khooper28 · 19/03/2025 11:59

What does it mean?

Show quote history

"Read the full thread" is what it means

Rescuedog12 · 19/03/2025 19:10

khooper28 · 19/03/2025 11:57

What does RTFT mean please?

It means ..Read the full thread.

RatedDoingMagic · 19/03/2025 19:58

@khooper28 sometimes F stands for a 7 letter word rather than Full.

You posted your advice the day after the OP's update that she'd ended the relationship.

khooper28 · 20/03/2025 10:38

RatedDoingMagic · 19/03/2025 19:58

@khooper28 sometimes F stands for a 7 letter word rather than Full.

You posted your advice the day after the OP's update that she'd ended the relationship.

Thank you for clearing that up lol. For some reason I I missed the update 🤦‍♀️