To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

To add... By fall into the zone of no contact I mean tell my parents outright that we don't have a relationship, and I don't want to be part of a family group with him until he starts to act like I'm family. Or is that unreasonable?! And petty?! Hard to see the wood through the trees with all this emotion flying about.

He is acting like a family? He is communicating over WhatsApp what he is doing, your parents visit, he keeps in touch with them?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh.

You sound like jealousy has started to pickle you. I’d urge you not to ‘waste annual leave’ on your brother & his family and move on with your life.

do you arrange the video calls beforehand, or just call him up? As many/most people would hate an unannounced video call.
I don't think it's ever too late to repair a relationship by the way

He’ll know you resent him because you didn’t reply to his messages so I’m not surprised he didn’t pick up your calls. I can’t see what he’s done wrong tbh. You acknowledge you’ve never been close but his good fortune seems to have made you hate him. That’s more about your life than anything he’s done.

I don't really think that this is punishing anyone except for yourself. The only thing this will do is create drama. I only really communicate with my siblings via Whatsapp groups- it's fine.

The same things that annoy you (the lifestyle, successes) are the kind of things that probably make your parents proud or happy to see.
The family chat might not be a good idea, for this reason!

But do I have to remain in contact with him, just because we share the same set of parents? I'm happy for my parents to, but we never talk! It feels like he's like a stranger whose life I'm expected to take interest in.

yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!

Lol @ 'probably' 🤣

It's a very ugly trait OP, yes.

But the only person being made miserable by it is you (and your mum a bit).

I've a feeling that whether you stay in contact or not, you'll still be eaten up with bitter resentment and jealousy.

Yes, you are siblings. When your parents aren't here, he is all you will have left. You should be working together as a team not ditching him.

I think it’s really hard now we have these family WhatsApp groups. Previously you’d have seen a relative you didn’t like much once or twice a year. Now the minutae of their life is on your phone on a daily basis. I have muted mine but it’s impossible to leave the group without causing upset. So I have sympathy op. It’s not so much about jealousy but just not liking this person very much and the effect on your mental health if there being no periods of silence about them.

You are being unreasonable, you expect him to communicate your way even though you are ignoring him when he communicates his way. He's not using his leave to visit you, you are doing the same.

What has he actually done wrong - try to answer without the word "should."

He hasn't taken anything from you, is not in any sort of competition with you, it's okay to be happy for him if his life is going well. Family WA groups are not humble places, families are usually rooting for each other.

For your sake and the possible family connection for your DC, drop the bitterness and send some lovely pictures of your own to the WA group.

Sorry but I think you're being really unreasonable. You don't have to go out of your way to visit him overseas, but telling your parents you have no relationship with him and not being apart of family messages because you feel jealous seems very petty, it doesn't sound like he's done anything to you. Sharing pictures of things like your holidays with your family is pretty normal?

You don't have to stay in contact, of course not. But you really do sound eaten up with jealousy and resentment, and that actually may continue even if you're not in contact with him. Maybe more so. You would probably be better off looking at your own emotions than thinking cutting contact with him is going to make you feel okay inside.

I say this as someone who is nc with my own dsis for different reasons i find it really sad it has come to this and wish i had my dsister

He is behaving like family he is sharing his life it's not his issue you are jealous I suspect my dsis is to which is why she has behaved how she has but as he is your db shouldn't you be happy he's doing well i think rather than going nc you should work on your issues as to why you are jealous and resentful of him and his lifestyle. Going nc with him will upset your parents and put them in a difficult position

I think just let it stay as it is, but maybe think about it differently. It’s hard but if you can make peace with it you’ll feel better.

Just posting pictures/messages of your life isn't sharing it with your family though - its just broadcasting it.

Does he ever contact you @Flibberti ? Ask after you, or your child? If the answer is no them you're right, there's no relationship there.

I voted YANBU but didn't realise you want to dump this on your parents. Don't.
Just carry on as you are, leave him on mute, start thinking and behaving as though he's an important part of your parents' lives but nothing really to do with you. (That is, like a close friend of your parents, not yours.)

I don't think you need to engage with him any more than he engages with you.

So for me that would mean: no more video calls to him unless he video calls you. No visiting him in his country unless he visits you in your country.

But it would also mean: staying in the family Whatsapp group, and probably sharing some nice things your family has done on there. Maybe you baked a cake or made some pancakes? Maybe you went to the park and saw a beautiful sunset? Pretty photos / glimpses of your life don't necessarily need to be expensive.

And it wouldn't mean telling your parents that you don't want to be part of a family group with him. That's just weird and unnecessary. He hasn't done anything nasty to you; he's just a bit disengaged. So you just show the same energy in return.

What would be sharing it? One of the meanings of "share" is literally to post on social media.

Do you ever share anything in the family WhatsApp? Is he positive about it when you do? Do you text him?

I mean, if he doesn't reciprocate your attempts at contact, I don't think you have to go out of your way to contact him. But, he hasn't really done anything to justify ending the relationship. Especially because it would likely be painful for your parents.

You said he doesn't treat you like family, but what does that look like to you?

I agree with the masses OP. You seem quite hypocritical- you delete all his messages and mute his chat but are annoyed he doesn't return your calls?

You sound eaten up with jealousy. Ask yourself if he wasn't rich and successful and was sending messages about a swim at the local leisure centre or Timmy starting Scouts if you would also feel compelled to mute the chat or if it's just that his day to day life is so far removed from yours?

I mean tell my parents outright that we don't have a relationship, and I don't want to be part of a family group with him until he starts to act like I'm family.

No, this isn't reasonable - particularly the last part. Jealousy and inadequacy are normal human emotions, but you're trying to make him responsible for yours. I'd think hard about what you would be hoping to get out of telling your parents that.

The idea of adding positive interactions was a good one, but I suspect the video and phone calls were probably a bit much given your lack of interaction and that he's likely sensed some of your feelings. Do you ever send updates of your own to the whatsapp that he would be able to show interest in? Or text him questions about what's going on with him/ask how such and such with his DDs went? Or send low-stakes things like "I was watching X program and there's a character who looks like so-and-so who lived down the street when we were kids. I wonder what ever happened to him and if he ever stopped picking his nose." It's completely ok not to have any sort of deep relationship with your adult siblings but there's no dichotomy where it's either that or you pretend they don't exist.

I think you're the problem here, not your brother. Maybe book some sessions in with a therapist to explore why you feel the way that you do. I think also your own life has probably coloured your view of the relationship with your brother. You can't be bothered nurturing a relationship yet you resent him sharing details on WhatsApp.

So what's it to be @Flibberti ? You can't have it both ways.