To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

have you ever talked about your family dynamics in therapy? You’ve just described a very dysfunctional and damaging family dynamic but seem surprised by the inevitable fallout.

Not surprised, no not all, but sad in some ways yes. I care for my brother and see him as a victim of our shared family situation too - and yes covered at length in therapy.

Op has real reasons for feeling envious and upset, is my point. Those real reasons deserve attention. Her brother’s life is almost immaterial if she is so deeply unhappy. That’s what this thread is about it. Op’s sadness is about her own life, and I wonder what changes could be made - what support she could be given to feel happier and more content in her own right.

You sound bitter and twisted.
Just do what everyone us does on the family WhatsApp… thumbs stuff, share some of you own, let the parents be happy with it.

@Devon24 This is part of the problem. Most siblings don't have a "shared situation". You've made it very clear that you weren't treated in the same way, so you didn't share the same upbrigining, same expectations, same promises. You have decided that a stranger on the internet has "real reasons" to feel envious and your - in your words - immature, petty, shallow, materalistic brother does not. But it sounds like his experience with your parents and/or wider family was not the same as yours... so maybe just chalk it up to 'that's life' and probably for the best and move on rather than clinging to a firm belief that siblings must maintain contact unless there's a history of abuse.

Op described her life as ‘draining, hard and a struggle with a child with a disability’ she also outlines the fact she has anxiety.

Getting some therapy, talking through the difficulties and discomfort she is experiencing currently, and getting support will be far more beneficial to her than cutting off a sibling she hardly ever sees.

Op is free to cut out anyone in her life, but it might be in her best interests to address her own issues and needs first. As a next step.

I am LC or NC with most of my family nowadays. My siblings chose to alienate me, I don’t know why.

I was told a long time ago (not sure I am even supposed to know as I got told via someone else) that since 2020 there’s a family whatsapp group they use to chat to one another and to the sister and brother in laws on all sides. So all the brothers and sisters nieces and nephews…apart from me. I’d have loved to have seen photos of their lives and the kids. But I wasn’t included.

it’s now over two years since I’ve seen any family apart from one parent last year. It messes with your head. They’ve all met up many times for the big family get togethers but I’m never told about them, I’d not go now even if I was told. I got a card etc for Christmas from some of them that’s the only contact I’ve had, as none of them will text, call or email me I sent a little card to each of my nieces and nephews saying thanks and happy new year etc as I have no other way to be in contact.

I’d say this would count as siblings not being in contact and that your brother is doing something at least.

Families are very complicated, I’ve had therapy, so it’s hard to know what to suggest is best for you. But you have at least been included, if that was me (might not work for you) I’d post photos of my happy parts of my life something with the kids, a sunset, a flower, a day out that sort of thing. And I’d like to see the same snippets from their week. I would regard that as contact.

You sound incredibly bitter about his lifestyle. You can go no contact but that just seems petty from you, he’s keeping in contact with you. You will need to have a relationship with him at your parent end of life. That would be awkward if you went no contact with him because you’re jealous. Also have you thought about the fact that your nieces might want a relationship with you?

The OP needs to work on her feelings in therapy for the sake of herself and her child, not in case her sibling's children might one day decide they would have liked to have a relationship with her.

I would go low contact and maybe segue to no contact, there is no need to tell your parents- just ease out.
My brother and I have had a very varied relationship over the years- he has lived abroad for the vast majority of our lives- he has been very wealthy and we almost never talked, but he divorced and got sick and re established a relationship, which has grown for years, but sometimes he has other things going on and goes no contact.
I have never been jealous of his life, but it does complicate things- definitely withdraw from the WhatsApp, don't look at their social media, concentrate on your own life, go low contact with your parents too if necessary- there is no need to burden them with how you feel about all this.
On the other hand you are being unreasonable to believe you no longer have a brother, he will always be your brother, and things may change, so your relationship may change.

If it was me, I would just carry on muting the chat. By leaving it you will make it clear you have a problem and it will kick off drama. I just wouldn’t make an effort if he doesn’t either and that’s ok. There may be different points in life that he may reach out and need you (e.g marriage troubles or family health stuff) and you may feel differently then, so I think just muting it will leave the door open but you probably do need to not look at the chat as it will bring up all these feelings again. This is coming from a woman who doesn’t speak to her brother 🤣 but only because he has an awful bully of a wife. I hope one day he reaches out when he has enough of her x

I have zero contact with my brother, why don’t you just mute and archive the family chat and not bother with it again.

You sound unhappy with your life. That is not his fault. You need to be secure and happy in yourself otherwise this jealousy and bitterness will continue to surface.

I don't think you're being that unreasonable. He's ignoring you, not answering your messages and calls. That's rude.

Yes, this!! I don't have any other social media except for WhatsApp - and my primary reason for it is as a messaging app. I detest social media because of the impact it has on my mental health (I have depression and am on antidepressants long term, but function very well on them).

No, never. He never asks after us or how we are doing. Even if it's my birthday he'll send a message on WhatsApp he makes a joke out of it e.g. he has a Porsche and said 'happy birthday, thought I'd send you some seat mats for a porsche' - when I drive a Ford! it's like he mocks me for family jokes and it just shows how clueless he is about his privilege... It feels so arrogant and entitled and boastful, even in celebrating my birthday, with comments like that. He is toxic in the way he communicates imo.

I’m probably going to go against the grain, but even before I saw your update, I thought you weren’t being unreasonable. Yes, it sounds like you’re unhappy (which can be understandable if you’ve got a child with additional needs because of the strain that can add to a person’s life) but I never got the impression he actually makes any effort with you either, other than sharing stuff in the WA group, which doesn’t make a relationship. You seem to have confirmed the lack of effort in your latest updates.

I’d probably not make a big thing of it to your parents - at least not just yet. I would also just mute the chat for a while to see how you get on - you can always revisit that down the line.

In the meantime, it would be worth seeing if you can access therapy to help come to terms with how things are in your life. That might help you be more resilient to his ‘boasting’. Then you could potentially rejoin the WA chat and let things wash over you. Or
you can decide at that point to make a break.

He sounds awful. I wouldn't think twice about the chat, just keep your parents out of it I think. I don't think you can tell when someone leaves a group chat, but if you can, mute may be a better option as your brother may get a kick out of knowing you left it.

If your nieces/you/your kids decide you want a relationship there are ways around it once they reach a certain age which don't have to involve your brother. The dynamic of the chat does sound toxic if your brother is just using it to show off and put you down without making any effort to ask how you or your children are.

That is actually really crass and horrible. Take a long break from WA and stop responding and take this misery away. You don’t deserve to have this issue as well, and if it’s harmful to your well being (which sounds fragile anyway) I would definitely consider limiting your exposure to him.

I have come to believe that modern smart phones, social media and the rise of 24/7 access causes so many family problems.

My BIL has been jealous for years. No idea why, nothing to be jealous of. For year we did the Christmas cards/presents/invitations, tried to make an effort at family gatherings etc and he was rude, cold towards us, made nasty comments, belittled my hubby and kids, bad mouthed me to wider family... Nobody knew why.. I put it down to different personalities so naturally the relationship was distant... No problem for us, we just got on with life but then he wasn't content with that.. He would walk out of rooms when we entered, he wouldn't send cards or wish us happy birthdays, he never interacted with us online or in person, he would ask his mum to tell us not to come over etc when he was due to go (and she did)... when eventually I queried this and told him he was being rude he basically went on a disgusting rant and hubby and I decided enough for enough... (This all stems from SM in my opinion as nothing had ever happened between us)

MIL then tried to force us to have a relationship with him, and when we refused we were ostracised from certain family gatherings.

Long and short - He has been cut off 100% and she has been cut off 90%.

Loads and loads to the story and far too much to type and nobody cares 🤣 but seriously - just distance yourself, whenever he is mentioned change the topic, limit what info you give out and concentrate on you. Don't need massive theatrics..

BTW - I don't think OP is jealous, I think she is sick of being made to feel inadequate whilst golden balls lives it up.

Sending hugs.

If this is the kind of things he says, I've changed my mind and will say YANBU, he is horrible!
But still don't tell you parents. Just say you're taking a break from all social media and leave the group. Tell all of them that they can reach you on private chats or calls.

Have you ever considered helping your brother out financially if you're so much better off?

Maybe he wouldn't have cut you off.