To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

Should you? Be able to fill the joint family thread with holidays and cars and wealth when your sibling is really struggling? You could, but I think it takes a special sort of insensitivity to do that.

@Flibberti remove yourself from the thread and say you’re having a break from your phone use or whatever. Say you wish him well when your parents remonstrate.

How about OP works on managing her resentment as opposed to everyone hiding all happy news from her? I've been poor as piss, I've had awful times in my life including having cancer with small children and thinking I'd leave them behind. I never wanted people to stop sharing their happy news. In fact, their happy news made me feel better about the world. I didn't want to wallow in my own misery. Why would I take comfort from the fact that no one else was having a good life?
It's clear that OP can't be happy for her brother, and OK fair enough. We can't always help how we react to things. But rather than cutting him out of her life she could at least try and change her perspective.
The other thing to remember is that nothing lasts forever. Someone's idyllic life can change in the blink of an eye. One of my friends had a picture perfect life but then her life was beset by tragedy and now no one envies her. Let people enjoy the good times because one thing's for certain, we're nearly all going to have shit times ahead.

Yes, agree. OP, I am NC with my brother, but it was because he tried to steal my inheritance from my dad, right? At the time, my brother had a lot more money than me, well off in fact, so it wasn’t about need, it was about greed. I had to get a lawyer to sort it out. It has to be pretty egregious to go NC. I still miss my brother despite what he did and wish this didn’t happen. I missed my nieces and nephews growing up. My brother and I haven’t spoken in 15 years.

But, before my brother tried to run off with all my dad’s money, he and I were drifting apart anyway. Different countries, and he was bound up with his wife’s family. He had kids, I did not, so that was a bit of a divide. That happens too.

If your brother doesn’t take much interest in you, you don’t have to chase him. In fact, you don’t have to chase anybody for friendship or attention. It should be reciprocal. Just quiet quit as suggested above, mute the Whatsapp, don’t say anything to your parents, and get on with your life and forget about him for a while. Jealousy will eat you alive inside. I wish you all the best.

You might find your brother feels exactly the same way about you as you feel about him seen as he doesn’t answer your video calls.

He hasn’t done anything to hurt you (by your own admission it is rooted in your jealousy of him). For that reason I wouldn’t do any dramatic announcement to your mum, that would be unfair.

Keep the WhatsApp muted if that makes you feel better and you will probably find when your parent(s) are no longer here your relationship with your brother will naturally end as the glue holding you all together will be gone.

My advice, don’t do this. You’ll not feel any different as your parents will still talk about him and will want the two of you in contact. You’ll them drive yourself into dispute with parents too.

i get the issue about WhatsApp and social media. I have relative who’s the same, constant posting about the positive things in her life and exotic holidays and events. I regard it a bit like someone random sharing all their holiday photos - it’s showing off to make them feel better about themselves. Or just that somehow they think others are interested in the minutia of their lives - which is just lacking empathy or emotional maturity in my view. I have learnt to just ignore. It obviously makes her feel better about herself, but actually doesn’t reflect accurately about her life. Like everyone, she has her crosses to bear. It ain’t plain saluting, and all the showboating is where she and her partner decide to spend money, whilst not having money to spend elsewhere. She’s not a bad person, I actually love her - but she does do this unrelentingly and it’s all very tedious. But it’s also really hard if you’re struggling with money or your own crosses to see images and just hear the “I’m having this superb lifestyle , look at me” tosh. Jealousy is the thief of joy is a truism

can you make an effort to reach out to brother and be absolute honest with him. Tell him what you’ve said here. But pitch it as YOUR problem, ask him how you can improve the relationship. It’s not about you accepting to yourself that you’re the one at fault here, it’s about you taking responsibility to fix it, and taking blame from him for greater good. If you think he will talk to you then fair enough, but just ignore the posts, remember that his life is not perfect, no one’s is.

I would drop him from my life too OP. It might bot have to be forever but for now, do it.

I haven't had contact with my sister for over twenty years. I just don't like her. I have no idea if she has a successful life or not. My life is so much better without her in it but the parents are gone so there's no pressure.

Drop for now. See how you feel in six months or a year. The lack of humility would be my main reason.

I have a friend on FB and she is loaded but the endless 'look what we bought at the weekend' posts are too much most days. Especially in this economic climate.

I have a sibling who is not just well off but genuinely rich. His House has 7 Bathrooms, owns a huge holiday villa, flies first class everywhere. His home is in one of the richest suburbs in America, he had a hand in designing it himself. His basement has more square footage than my house and garden, I live in a 3 bed semi with a garden twice the size of one attached to that sort of house in the UK. I feel only happiness for him. He is much cleverer than me and gained funding to pay for his PhD in America when he was young, he is genius level clever, wish I was.

We are all born and die, it’s a cycle all you can do is try and find inner peace with your lot in life.

My brother cut all contact with me and my parents. He rebuilt the relationship with our parents after seven years, 30 years later, we still have no contact.

I am polite at extended family gatherings, he walks away.

It is just accepted now. He isn't part of my life, we have nothing in common other than being related.

Think about your long term. I am sad that we have a whole life wasted.
Consider your parents and how they will deal with this. Mine are very misogynistic, therefore he is the golden boy. It does prevent my parents having family gatherings ( or gives them a good excuse not too).
Our DC’s have no other family members, their uncle cuts them dead if we are ever all in the same room.

I no longer miss him though. I'm resigned to how it is. He isn't part of my life now and never will be.

Yanbu and you don't have to get your mum's permission to leave the family WhatsApp. Just do it and when she asks say that you want to have less screen time for a couple of months and that she's welcome to phone you any time you like. Any time she mentions your brother be pleasant as though she's talking about a neighbour. Who cares if you're jealous, no one likes to struggle and look delighted at other people's wealth.

Clearly a case of both of them ‘behaving badly’ here.

Yes the OP is jealous/resentful. She knows that.
But at the same time, the brother is completely showing off and clearly isn’t interested in a relationship with the OP either.

@Flibberti tbh I would carry on doing what you’ve been doing. Mute that thread.
I wouldn’t say anything to your parents. Why create tension and hurt between you?
Then look at what’s going on re your jealousy. I suspect it’s a reflection of how hard things are for you atm rather than a reflection on your brother. When you dint care about people, whatever happened doesn’t affect you the way it does just now iyswim.

As for your relationship with your brother, if you weren’t close, you weren’t.
If I look at my mum’s family (similar thing - not closed AND move away as adults with little to no contact), if you weren’t close that’s the way it is.
BUT thinking in the LT, it’s worth not falling out completely for the simple reason that, at some point in the future, your paths will cross. And bring civil rather than falling out makes things better.

Itd be great if your brother was also learning to tone it down if he is really showing off for the sake of it. But only he can do that. And you can’t ask or force him too. So best to accept and ignore.

Wow you really need to sort this jealously out. I live abroad. I don't put the miserable stuff into. Our family what's app ., I also don't tell them I've been to the supermarket, done nothing except watch Netflix at the weekend because I'm too ill to leave the house I bet they think I'm showing off too. I show photos of the amazing beach where I live opposite with stunning sunsets etc
They may be jealous of me. Where actually I'm living a generally mundane life in the middle of serious health issues which they don't know about.
Get over yourself he's maintained a perfectly normal level of contact. You are being spiteful

I think you should be able to leave the WhatsApp group if you want.
You aren't obliged.

I don't think forced sibling relationships ever work.
Theres clearly hurt here for whatever reason, and you struggle with some family issues that you havent processed yet.

If you feel its better to stay in that group, then turn off all the notifications and dont look at them.

You dont have to be part of it. I dont know why they dont get the hint.

I honestly don’t understand why people get angry about others only sharing photos of nice bits of life.
I’m not about to take and share photos with the grandparents of me taking the bibs out, dh having insomnia about work or ds in a strop due to losing his switch. That would be weird!
I share photos of days out, nice views, happy moments - that’s not trying to deny life is more three dimensional, it’s just focussing on and being thankful for the nice bits.
I think your problem isn’t your brother but your deeper feelings about your own life.

If I had a sister, I’d swear it was you! I’m pretty identical in your situation, but my db doesn’t really keep in touch with my mum. He shares amazing photos on social media but I’m not bothered about keeping in touch. He’s in a different country and I see him when he comes over here. I wouldn’t dream of visiting him, I have no interest in going there. I wouldn’t answer a video call, I look a fright if I’m not at work.

I don’t think you need to announce that you’re not interested in his life or tell your mum that you’re not going to respond etc. Just carry on, archive or ignore the family WhatsApp or put your own lovely photos on. No need to make a big deal about it.

I can't see if anyone has mentioned it, but was your brother the golden child when you were growing up? I had a bellyful of my parents going on about how wonderful my brother was from childhood into adulthood (reader, he wasn't) and I had no desire to learn about his life when we grew up. Brother and I are NC and I can't say I miss him. All this 'but we are siblings' can sometimes be highly overrated.

You’re happy for your parents to carry on talking to him?

You don’t really have any say in whether your parents to their other child who you’re simply very jealous of.

YABU

You remind me of some toxic jealous SIL.

WhatsApp is cursed and especially the group chats. We're all supposed to be replying to constant updates and messages, it's unnatural.

You are not unreasonable to feel that there is no point pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. The issue is that you want to make a point of telling your parents. You want them to know that he's not perfect, that you've made the effort and that he has not reciprocated so maybe they shouldn't be so bloody proud of him just because he's wealthy and successful etc. Mute the family whatsapp. Go to therapy.

I don't agree with OP involving her parents in falling out with her brother, but...

So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls.

It's hard to get the full context from a short post online but this stood out as potentially dickish behaviour from the brother and SIL. I wouldn't answer a video call from my brother, but I would eventually drop him a short message. If OP hasn't actually expressed bitterness to him I think it's quite harsh of him to not acknowledge she's tried to make contact.

Not unreasonable for wanting to forget all about him as you hardly know him, but totally unreasonable for despising everything about him and his behaviour when it in no way affects you.

I'm in your situation too, but with my sister she is a vile, unlikable individual, who wrecks a lot of havoc wherever she goes. She 's older and left when I was eight. I hardly know her. I've done all I can to keep her at arms length, but every now and then we have no choice to communicate, and I resent totally the implication on her side that because "we're family" we are bonded. We are not bonded. If she was not my sister, I would never have her in my life. I don't know her, and as an adult she'd behaved appallingly towards me on just about every occasion we've met. I respect the fact completely that we shared the same parents and she knew them for almost ten years longer than I did, but that's where it ends.

Just leave the whatsapp group and stop talking to your brother if that's what works for you.

Don't do this, OP, there's no need to upset your parents. The two of you are barely in touch now, so aside from your envy it isn't a problem. You can just do xmas and birthday greetings without making any more effort. Skim read or ignore his WhatsApp messages. Concentrate on making your life happier.

I think this is more about your own difficulties in life than your brother and his apparent success . Mute the conversation or take yourself off it and look into some counselling to help you cope with your own difficulties. Be honest with your parents that you are finding things hard without slagging off your brother .

I think those who are responding saying you are unreasonable haven't been in this situation. I have 2 older sisters. One we had falling out and have nothing to do with each other. And the other moved abroad, no falling out but she is rubbish at keeping contact. Didn't even tell me she had moved house so I didn't even have the right address for Xmas cards. Rarely responds to messages. I like her but its tough to maintain any contact. She will never visit 'home' either. I have no interest in how fantastic her life is because its like a stranger interacting with me. I wouldn't cope with a WhatsApp with her in if she were to constantly share her good bits. WhatsApp is worse than social media because you can't pick and choose when you want to see things its just shoved in your face whether you are having a bad day or not.

I would just mute the chat and look when you want/if too.

At some point, your parents will be elderly, unwell and then die.

You will then likely need to be in contact for the administration of this at least. This period could be quite long.

At an unpleasant time, it may be slightly easier if you at least have a civil sibling relationship. You don't need to visit him or pretend to be super close but don't flounce out of a family Whatsapp group in a huff.

Go to counseling and learn to detach from this. You have a tough life but are projecting the stress from that on to him.