To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

It is your life and you should live it the way you want to. No relationship with him, fine. Just don't be involved in the family WhatsApp group and you don't have to discuss why you chose not to be involved.

Have you tried spamming the chat with stuff from your life?

I only really communicate with my siblings via Whatsapp groups- it's fine.

Me too. We all live in different countries and all have our own lives.

You're clearly very jealous, and it's not showing off posting what they're doing on a family chat. Especially if he's in another country then your parents probably rely on that to get news.

And you have tried video calls etc. Are they actually at a time that's reasonable in that country? Or just convenient for you?
Have you tried messaging and asking what time suits him to call?
Dsis has complained to DM once that I hadn't picked up my last two calls. One I was in a meeting at work, the other time I was on the landline sorting out something fairly urgent. Just because the phone rang, doesn't mean I could pick up.

He's got a nice life. That's nice for him. He may envy how easy it is for you to see your parents. He may wish that you shared more of your life. You won't know because you're too busy feeling jealous.

I'm no contact with my sibling, despite living in the same city. We didn't get on growing up and I felt bullied by them. It certainly isnt about jealousy in our case, sometimes family just dont get on. This person has absolutely no redeeming features. It does upset my parents so I've found myself distancing from them too, which is a shame.

Families are bloody complicated!

I don't get why we can't be happy for others' successes in life.

I think you’re allowed to drop the rope if he makes you feel shit.

Why sacrifice your emotional experience for the comfort of others? Envy is a very human emotion and if it overwhelms you then release a relationship that gives you nothing but bad feeling.

It’s your choice. Dont let convention and others judgement stop you doing what’s right for you.

Pretty confident my brother feels this way about my life although in my scenario I’m the one who moved abroad. It’s clear on the very rare occasions we do speak that he has a warped impression of my life here and thinks I’m some spoiled princess. I don’t have it anywhere near as good as he thinks, I’ve never given him that impression so it’s just unfair.
Having said that, I also don’t share pictures of “good times only” to give him that impression.
I have given up on the relationship because no matter what I do he still resents me.

I would distance myself OP if this is how you truly feel. Contact does go both ways and sounds like he is trying to stay in touch to some extent (why else are you a part of this group chat). It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong and nor have your nieces.
From the other point of view Op it’s quite horrible to always be homesick and feel like you’re missing out on invaluable family time. Whenever I do visit home all it does is act as a visual reminder of all the time I’m missing with my loved ones. I remind myself it’s not my brothers fault he’s close to home and has the time to spend with them all when I cannot. I really cannot blame him for my choice to leave.

We are the family living abroad and my husband's only surviving sibling treats us like this. In fact he has told lies about us, my husband has tried to repair the relationship but with no luck. We haven't done anything wrong, it seems he is just jealous. It really upsets my poor mother in law! So, so what you want, but this is a you problem, and be aware that you may be causing a family rift just because you can't get past your bitterness.

I agree with @Garlicworth. Keep the WhatsApp group muted and don't say anything to your parents, it would hurt them and that would be unkind.

Different scenario, but DH's family has a WhatsApp group that I've been added to and I'm not terribly interested, tbh. I occasionally look at it and comment, but that's about it. Not everyone wants to share everything and that's fine...one of my SIL's posts photos of what she eats when she travels...10 photos of meals are really zzzz.

What do you hope to gain from flouncing? From what you've said you don't have a relationship anyway, so what do you think saying "I don't want to be part of a family group with him until he starts to act like I'm family" is going to achieve?

You don't acknowledge his messages, what else do you want him to do?

You sound like really hard work. Probably best you do flounce but no need for dramatics. Just carry on ignoring him, you don't need to make a scene

Family members who like to only broadcast their successes whilst never stopping to ask, "how are you", can be tiresome self-centred arseholes and it can leave you, as the less successful family member, feeling like shit. I get that. Been there myself. There's only so much of being made to feel like shit one can take before you just don't want to see any more of it.

If he is only interested in showing off and takes no interest in your life, I can see why you don't want him in your life any more. It depends if that is actually what he is doing or if it only feels like that is what he is doing.

Green monster invasion@Flibberti

Have the tantrum and leave the group to see where it gets you.

I think you are in a tricky middle ground, where if he wasn't your brother or there was no relationship at all, then you wouldn't have to see his lifestyle, but if you were closer it would be easier to be happy for him, and you might even benefit from his wealth. eg. he might offer to fly your family to visit his if he's too busy to come home.

I know a family that has a very wealthy sibling living overseas. I get the vibe that sometimes it's a bit tough when they look at the sibling's family lifestyle compared to theirs, but they get on well overall and do benefit from the use of the sibling's fully-staffed holiday house in a third country. So, they get some benefits from the relationship too.

It doesn't sound like he's done anything particularly bad to warrant cutting him off, just that you aren't close and it's hard to see his lavish lifestyle. I'd give building a relationship another go, for your parents' sake if nothing else.

If you're not close, I wouldn't start with video calls. Respond to his messages on Whatsapp, share some family snaps of your own. PP is right that these can be simple things like baking or sunsets. Hopefully he will start to engage, then you can build from there. If you do this for a while and he isn't responding at all, I would stop engaging in the group and just message your parents directly. They can't really complain that you're not engaging in the group if he is ignoring you.

No

Just because you share blood, dont mean you HAVE to get along or communicate for anyones sake
If it puts you in a bad headspace, why keep pushing just to keep the peace

I think you're being unreasonable (and I say that as someone who is nc with a sibling). It doesn't sound like your brother has done anything wrong. It's not his fault you're jealous of his life, and presumably his DC would like to be able to have a relationship with their aunt.

I appreciate it's petty common for siblings not to get on, but in your position, like pp have said, I'd just stick to the occasional comment on the group chat rather than making a drama out of it all.

It must be hard when life is a struggle and things are very different for you.

I'm not sure allowing this bitterness to grow is healthy for you though.

People's lives go in different directions.

I'm afraid you do sound very bitter and envious of his life. Seriously, what's the point in going no contact and telling your parents you have no relationship with him? It just needlessly causes hurt. It doesn't sound like he's been mean to you. You just dislike the fact he's living a lovely life.
It's fine to have a distant relationship with him. Millions of siblings are emotionally distant but don't feel the need to go no contact or make some big statement about not having a relationship.
Just get on with your own life.

This .
Op, how hurtful disowning your brother would be to your parents. Going non contactable would also be a problem if you need to communicate illness of your parents, or funeral details etc. There is nothing positive to be gained.
You already have stopped contact to a large degree but he keeps sharing, you hardly see him due to living in different countries.
He is successful and rich, that is his good fortune.

Why don't you try to be friendly and non jealous? Your disabled child might enjoy knowing her cousins. Your brother would let you stay. Be bold enough to delight in his success. His generosity of spirit could be enlightening for your child.

Your poor child's mother sounds very grim.

If you must stay estranged just continue to be an observer and low contact. You could turn off notifications.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong by sharing his life with you and your parents and you can't say he doesn't make an effort to stay in touch.

But i empathise that if you are having a rough time seeing someone else's best life isn't going to help your mental health and wellbeing.

I would put a message on the group chat saying you are stepping away from social media as it is impacting on your mental health but you are still contactable by text or phone call.

Then leave the group, take them off social media you have and get on with your life.

Text or ring your parents and have the level of contact you choose with your brother.

Well he is communicating with family via the what’s app group, but you are deleting them and not engaging, so I don’t think its fair to say they are not engaging with you. I’m afraid it does come across as jealousy on your part. You’re stopping contact as you don’t want to see his life as you feel he is gloating. That’s up to you if you stop contact, but yes, it’s petty.

Difficult -if he regularly sends WhatsApp’s to your DPs about his exciting, successful life they are going to talk about it.
Do you have a partner, a job? a home?
Are your parents supportive?

Let it all go quiet a bit more- message him at high days and holidays. But I don’t see the point in announcing a rupture to your parents, that’s just going to create drama.

Doesn’t sound as if your brother has actually done anything wrong, per se, so I would avoid the flounce if I were you.

You say you’ve been really jealous and bitter, could he and his wife be aware of it and therefore avoiding you? I think if you want to have a better relationship you also need to be more positive towards their life in general. You can’t mute them and also expect them to take your calls whenever you want to speak? We mostly avoid my sil as her envy makes everything awkward. She constantly makes bitter comments towards us “holiday again” “nice for some” “easy for people with heaps of money” “you work for some money grabbing organization” etc etc, as well as some frankly racist comments towards me. She’s never happy for us and has also muted my Instagram stories. Yet she complains to my mil that we don’t spend enough time with her kids and her children have a limited relationship with my husband. We dont want to see her because it’s really unpleasant she can’t treat us with disdain and expect us to put in an effort with her. I’m not sure if this is applicable to you but if your brother isn’t keen to have a relationship, perhaps some reflection on how you have been behaving towards him is warranted?

Maybe he can sense your jealousy? Most people don’t share the difficult parts of life on WhatsApp or social media they only share the good.
Being bitter sounds odd reason to cut off contact. I have a similar relationship with one of my siblings. I acknowledge that we aren’t close but he isn’t a bad person and I’m happy he’s successful. I wouldn’t wish him a challenging life even though mine is harder than his, why would I?
I’m also fairly sure he has his fair share of difficulties behind closed doors. We get on well when we see each other. Why would you want to make things difficult for your parents unnecessarily?