To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

By all mean mute the WhatsApp, but anything more like "officially announcing" you're going NC really makes you look like a petty teenager trying to get attention... And I think you know that.

You're not trying to build a genuine relationship with your brother, and suddenly starting to video call him when you never did before is weird and would put me off too.

The reality is that right now you have nothing to talk about. Responding to his messages on WhatsApp, sharing news about your family etc is a much better way to create a connection at this stage, if you really want to.

It's ok to feel the things you are feeling - it doesn't mean either of you has done anything wrong. The first thing to do is to massively reduce the pictures etc. of his life that you feel you are being forced to look at, which are making you feel envy and bitterness, which in turn makes you feel ashamed for feeling those feelings. If I were you, I would minimise contact with him (so mute the family chat; your parents can contact you directly if it's something really important) and focus on building a happy life for you and your child. x

I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say YANBU. You don't have to be friends with him just to keep your mum happy. Do your parents rub in the fact that he is wealthier and more successful than you are? That has got to sting.

I don't mean I think that you should do a dramatic flounce, but I would just 'quiet quit' to use a slightly outdated phrase. Also, is it both your parents who put pressure on you, or just your mum? Might your father be more understanding? I have noticed a lot on here and elsewhere that a LOT of mothers spoil, cosset and overpraise their sons to the detriment of their daughters. I think TBH it's the answer to the question that recurs on here so often 'why are so many men selfish shits?' It's because they've been spoiled by Mummy.

OP doesn't owe her brother's kids a relationship.

Muting sounds like the best solution. I'm very low contact with all my family as they have such a negative outlook on life. I find them hard work and they don't really feel like they add much value to my life. I speak to Mum my a couple of times a month (or rather listen to her talk about herself) and spordically reply to messages from my brothers on the rare occassion they initiate contact (the thumbs up emoji is useful).

I did try putting some effort into positive communication, over the years, like you've tried. It didn't change anything and I've accepted that they are the people they are. Deliberately making a point of announcing I was dropping contact felt ott when the natural level of contact is so sporodic. I've found spending time with friends who have a good family dynamic has been quite healing.

I am an only child so don't have siblings to compare my relationships to.
Dh has two brothers that he does not have a relationship with , like you one lives abroad , the other in this country but miles away.
No phones calls , no whatsapp , no social media interaction , no cards at celebrations.
They've never fallen out , but just don't bother with each other .
I wouldn't be led by my parents ( are they in contact with all their siblings ? )
If you don't feel emotionally attached to your brother and his family , that's your prerogative to take a step back .

You're entitled to feel whatever you feel BUT....

He hasn't actually done anythinig wrong by the sounds of it? This is wholly a you problem due to jealously and envy.

Your reasons for hating him:

• He posts lots of happy pics of him on the family whatsapp - well, that's kind of the point, no? My sister lives in another country and only posts the happy pics and bits of her life in our family whatsapp as she'd hate my parents to be worried about her and unable to truly help (difficult from so far away). Why don't you just post stuff about your family too? Going so far as to actually delete stuff he posts on the chat seems OTT.
• He's rich and successful - that's life isn't it? We all live it differently. Some have more luck than others. You will always have folks in seemingly better circumstances than you, but learning to be happy with your lot is priceless otherwise it's a life spent envious and bitter. Wealth doesn't always mean a lovely lifestyle though, so he might be working ridiculous hours, missing his family or feeling very stressed. He may not say it outright, but its definitely a possibility.
• You randomly started video calling him and he didn't answer - Did you begin contact in a less formal way before that? I'd find sudden video calls a bit intrusive if the person hadn't spoken to me for years, or bothered to reply or react to a single message I'd posted on the family whatsapp for years either. My assumption would be the person doesn't care about my life at all. He's probably wondering wth is going on with the hot/cold treatment!

If you dislike him, then just mute the chat and live your life. Making a massive drama out of telling your poor parents that you hate your brother and will never speak to him again etc. etc. just screams of attention seeking tbh.

You don't have to stay in contact with him if you don't want to.

There's also no need to make an announcement to your parents.

Why would you do that?

Of course not, and like I said, plenty of siblings don't get along.
But the point is her brother - nor his kids - have actually done any wrong here, so it seems unhealthy to go to the extremes of nc with them all for no reason, and dragging her parents into it as well.

As others have said, this is a you problem.
Therapy might help you discover why you have such a massive chip on your shoulder.

The only part of this I agree with is that OP shouldn't drag her parents into it. That said, she also shouldn't let them pressure her into feigning interest in her brother. It doesn't matter if the brother or his kids have done 'anything wrong' or not. If she doesn't want a relationship with them, she doesn't have to have one. Just because she is related by blood doesn't mean she needs to have any feelings towards them.

The only thing OP has done wrong possibly is to involve her parents. She doesn't 'need therapy', if she wants to cut her brother off, that is her prerogative. Life is too short for poor relationships, and too many people feel the need to maintain relationships for the sake of 'family feeling'.

You sound very bitter and incredibly jealous, which are you problems to work on. He sends messages about his life to the family WhatsApp group, as most people do.

Do you send messages about your life on the family WhatsApp group too, @Flibberti ?

Start looking for the positives in your day and sharing that, and eventually you might start to feel more positive about your circumstances and less bitter.

YANBU for feeling fed up of initiating all the contact and wanting to pull back. YABU for suggesting involving your parents and making a big deal of the whole thing.

I'm in the same situation OP and I find it really heartbreaking as we were close when we were little and it's not how I imagined our adult lives would be at all. But when you raise families in different countries it's very difficult to stay close to siblings I've found, and the different opportunities in different countries often lead to wealth disparities that seem so unfair. I don't think you should make a big announcement and burn any bridges. Are you maybe hoping to grab his attention so he'll realise how hurt you are feeling? I don't think this is the way to do it, you'll feel worse if he doesn't respond. Keeping the social media muted and get counselling for your own feelings will help you much more. I think in some ways you're going through a form of grief for the sibling relationship and people who haven't had a separation like this won't understand your feelings. Look after yourself, those feelings of jealousy and injustice need examining and resolving.

I didn't say she 'needs therapy'. I said it might help.
That's a different thing entirely.

Op, if you don't want contact then don't have contact.
Making a big announcement to draw attention to it is completely unnecessary and runs the risk of a fall out with your parents.

When you say he doesn’t ‘act like family’ do you mean you have asked him for money/a very large favour and got knocked back?

The issues are all yours. It’s normal to share family life on family WhatsApp.

If you’re too jealous, by all means, make a big fuss and leave, but don’t be surprised if no one makes any fuss about it, and if it doesn’t make you feel any better.

Disparate wealth between siblings is not ‘unfair’ - it’s just life.

It sounds like she needs to work on herself and talking therapy would be one way to help with that. Life is too short to be unhappy. Poor relationships go hand in hand with that. Work on herself and relationships will follow, and when she's in a better headspace that would then be a reasonable time to reassess whether OP wants to maintain or cut contact, which is as you say, her prerogative. Cutting relationship ties when one is unhappy is counterintuitive, irrespective of who the relationship is with imo.

You can cease all contact with your brother if you want to, but would it make you any happier? Or would the bitterness and disappointment just settle in even further?
It sounds as if you are treating the Whatsapp group as if you have nothing nice to say or show about your own life, or even about your own child. That is much sadder than being pissed off with your brother for showing off on Whatsapp.
How about getting some photos of your child doing whatever they enjoy, and some nice ones of you, maybe walking in a park, or laughing with a friend? And put some captions on and post them on the Whatsapp. Your parents will enjoy them and hopefully the others will react to them too. Your life and your child's are just as important and meaningful as your brother's family's.
You could also try reacting to some of their photos. Not admiring their amazing lifestyle, but commenting on small things. 'I like Dora's dress!' 'What an amazing sunset!' 'Lucy's having a great time with that dog.'
It depends what you want to do really. If you want to make some kind of connection and open the possibility of the cousins knowing each other, the Whatsapp group is the easiest place to start.

It's isn't unfair he has a more financially comfortable life than you. You made different choices, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to see your nieces thriving and doing well and be pleased for him that he has a nice life. I'm not sure why if he has new things he shouldn't be able to show his family! This just reeks of jealousy.
My brother and I are not besties, we're just different people. We don't live in each others pockets, but I would never want anything but success for him and his family. I love to see when my nieces have had gymnastics competitions or are doing well at school. We've just had renovation work done and I shared some photos on the family WhatsApp, same when DS won a school award recently, should I not have done that?! Surely that's what those groups are for.

And @SallyWD

My brother is poor as piss and there is no way I would be posting photos of me on holiday or eating a meal out or anything like that on a place he would see it. I just wouldn't, in case it caused him to feel bad in any way. I can send this just to my parents. This is exactly what I mean about social media ( or in this case whatsapp) meaning people no longer filter who sees what.

You are an adult, so why dont you take yourself off the family group and just be done with it. Toddlers, children and teenagers are renowned for taking their parents into family squabbles, not adults and your parents dont need the drama of " we dont have a sibling relationship, blah blah blah" so if it bothers you that much that he is posting pics etc remove yourself.

This seems to be more about your low self esteem or feelings about yourself not having as much as your brother money wise etc ? __

A private family WhatsApp group is not social media. You should be able to share your joys and successes with your immediate family