To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

Pull back but absolutely no need to tell your parents or make a bigger thing of it. As others have said, this is a you problem so do what you need to to manage those bitter feelings, but you'll gain nothing from visiting it on your parents and causing them pain for no reason.

I am your brother in this situation ( minus the showing off as I don’t post anything ever) but my brother slowly became absorbed by his only jealousy. Maybe your brother is too self absorbed to notice, but I did with my db. It came out in a million different ways - the resentment.

It made me feel so sad mostly. He has a happy life in many respects, with children he adores and yet the dynamic of sibling rivalry has never died for him, he has never matured and looked for a petty excuse to cut us off. And he did eight years ago. I knew why although he never said the real reason. We all knew.

Had he hung around he would have seen life is never a bed of roses for anyone. Money can’t buy you out of everything life throws at you. I am no exception.

I am struggling to forgive him for being so shallow, so immature. I don’t know if we will ever speak again, ir if I want to after all of this.

My brother doesn’t have disabled children, so your feelings will be influenced by your underlying feelings and emotions towards your own life and perceived outcome. This is about your life, not his op. You are almost deflecting your disappointment on to him, because it’s easier than facing your true feelings about your own life. I’m sorry it is so hard for you, relentless.

I do not believe in cutting people off for anything other than abuse, I would recommend counselling to talk through your deeper feelings regarding your children, their disability and how things are for you.

Say to your family you are tired of SM and are taking a long break - to call if you want to contact you and delete WhatsApp. Keep the relations distant but civil, and leave it to him to do the running. See a therapist, you might see this very differently at the end, but either way you need the support by the sounds of it.

CBT might help you reframe your own life in a way that alleviates some of the resentment you are feeling. It is not him, it is you and the way you are measuring and comparing your lives.

That's just your side of the story, though. Your post comes across kind of smug and that you don't see why your brother didn't like what vibe your were putting out. He doesn't owe you a relationship.

It's a poor family relationship when the only contact is pressing a few buttons on the phone.
A family that gets on, values each other and wants to see each other wouldn't be content with just that.
The real effort comes with meeting up, arranging things, alongside a what's app group, not just a group on its own.
If that's the only contact what's the point?

This 100% i love seeing people happy and doing well id rather that then listen to someone constantly moaning about how unfair life is and how miserable they are.

Yes that's literally what family is all about. You are being consumed with jealousy. While i think YABU, I think this is much more about you accepting your lot in life, it sounds like you have a difficult time.

Short term put the WhatsApp group into locked chats, you can dip into it once in a while when you are feeling up to it and reply positively but it won't interrupt your normal life. It sounds like these updates are triggering jealousy but you can at least control how much and when you allow it in.

Long term I think you need to find a way to accept that life simply isn't fair. I've fallen into that cycle of jealousy too many times and it's not good for you. I went through a very jealous phase with my sister, she was better looking, had nicer friends, better job, more money etc. As the years went on I realised that in some ways it had been the other way around as children, I was better at school, she was shy so I was more popular, she was sick a lot and had complicated allergies. I had never stopped to appreciate how easy I had it by comparison..but when it reversed I would dwell on every tiny thing.

Meeting up is harder when it means expensive travel to another country, which makes online contact more important, and arguably better than nothing.

'That's literally what family is all about'. That isn't true at all. You are under no obligation to keep in touch with people just because you are related to them by blood. If the OP isn't close with her brother, she isn't. She shouldn't feel the need to play nice just because her parents guilt her. In her place, I would just make a simple, factual statement to her parents that she feels that she and her brother have grown apart and don't have much to say to one another. It doesn't have to be dramatic unless they make it so. Then she can mute him on Whatsapp and move on with her life. If they try to make a big deal of it, that's on them.

Perfect advice.

" Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters?"

Well, hold on. Is he an uncle to your son? Does he take any interest?

Genuinely in what way have I possibly been ‘smug’? I explained my sadness, and
suggested op works through her resentment before making a monumental decision about cutting off a sibling.
Cutting people off because.(for the moment at least) they are having an easier life than you does not address the root of the issue. That op is fundamentally unhappy with her own life, this needs to be addressed or she will end up cutting off all of her family and friends at some point or another - and nothing will ever improve for her.

Thank you 🙏🏼

I'm not sure exactly what it is you want from him op... you say you want nothing to do with him unless he acts more like family - but when he does this (shares parts of his life with you via the WhatsApp group) you mute it and don't engage with it and resent him for it because (from what you've written) you don't want to see the good times they're having.

Your brother is in a no win situation that he's probably not even aware of.

I'm sure it's difficult when you're struggling, seeing someone with the same upbringing doing really well for themselves but op - life isn't fair. And this is down to your inability to manage your own feelings of discontent with your life and envy of his life - not him. My friends easily earn double what I earn, they have lovely lives as far as I'm aware, happy relationships, lovely holidays multiple times a year and beautiful homes, I'm recently separated and homeless with a toddler who I'm now a lone parent to. It's really hard, but I'm still my friends biggest champion- I'm still proud of them for all they've achieved and that they are doing well in life. But I'm also able to identify my own blessings, I take responsibility for my own life and accept that there are things outside of my control and I refuse to allow it to turn me into a negative resentful person which is done by regular therapy and doing the things I can in order to fill my own cup. Resenting someone else's life doesn't make yours any more beautiful- in fact it just drags you down - comparison really is the thief of joy.

You need to start focusing on yourself and filling your cup. Get yourself regular therapy with a therapist you feel good with for your anxiety if you haven't already and try to recognise that what you're doing is allowing jealousy to fester. Work on bringing more joy into your own life first and then focus on trying to be happy for others.

You have called your brother shallow, immature, petty... you may well be right, who is anyone here to say otherwise... but you have done more than explain your sadness. Sibling rivalry is normal, of course, but why do you think he was so very badly affected by it?

He made a life for his self the life he wants for his own family you done the same thing you made a life for yourself op.

Your 'sadness' came across as you not being happy that your brother doesn't think that your success in life is as big a deal as you seem to. Other people don't owe you praise or even pride in your success. If your brother feels resentful, let him. He doesn't owe you the time of day, and you don't owe him mental space. I don't know why people put so much energy into maintaining relationships that don't need to be, like sibling or cousin ones. Not all siblings are close and that's ok. All of these posts demanding that the OP does soul searching to save a relationship that isn't worth saving are baffling to me.

Honestly so you're not close so what. It's clear that you're beside yourself with envy about his life and have now decided that you need to flounce off as if he has done something to you when he hasn't. I know you're not close but jealousy is such an ugly emotion that I struggle to feel any sympathy for you.
Absolutely cut him off if you want but don't pretend it's because he's wronged you.

Not returning missed calls is telling someone you've got no interest in talking to them.

I don't return missed calls unless the person leaves me a VM and asks me to call them back. If it's important they'll text me. Although, to be fair, I have no interest in talking to anyone on the phone. My outgoing VM message says, "please text me." The doesn't mean I'm not interested in the person, though, I just don't like talking on the phone.

Sure, sending a text to say, "sorry missed your call but actually prefer to talk by text..." etc. is returning a missed call. Someone like a sibling or a friend phoning to make contact is not "important". It's "reaching out". If you can't be arsed to acknowledge it, that says it all.

I don’t want to hijabk op’s thread but I’ll answer the question briefly. My brother was the golden child and was he was a genuine and idolised from a very young age, he is extremely materialistic and saw it as a personal affront that I should have been able to achieve anything at all given my upbringing (physically and psychologically extremely abusive) His assured ‘win’ and guaranteed superiority didn’t happen in the way he expected.
He has openly admitted it freely in the past that he feels intense envy, but used an insignificant excuse in the end to cut off his relationship. It is okay with me, he is free to do what best suits him. It would have been bettter if he had examined what is making him so sad in his own life (not my place to list here)

Op’s brother is free to choose his own life, and to be happy. Life isn’t a fairy tale, I am sure he has his fears, insecurities, problems and worries too. OP’s life feels very hard for her, and perhaps it’s unbearably painful at times to see sunny photos and reminds her of a life she could have had. It’s far better to tackle those feelings than cut off a sibling. The feelings will remain even after she cuts him off, because it is stemming from her own unhappiness. It also means she is likely to surround herself with other people feeling very similar about life, and therefore compounding her negative outlook. Mirroring back her own sadness almost.

*hijack

Loads of posters chiming in with their very different and largely irrelevant experiences.

• and told he was a genius from a young age

Editing doesn’t work on MN any longer?