To forget that I have a sibling?

[Flibberti]

Please be kind! For background - sibling and I haven't been particularly close growing up. He moved to another country and has his life over there now... Wife, 3 kids. My parents love to visit and speak to him regularly. Because him and I weren't close growing up / neither of us great at keeping in touch. However I now have some growing bitterness about seeing his glorious, successful lifestyle on the family WhatsApp... All he does is share the rose tinted, amazing parts of his life (amazing house, amazing holidays, videos of my nieces doing things - they're very rich too, as he owns a successful company, but he doesn't seem to have an ounce of humility and will readily share all his new stuff etc). I wanted to leave the family WhatsApp as I'm fed up of it being a social media feed of his amazing life, but mum got upset when I said, so I muted it instead. I delete his posts as I can't bear to see them (yes I am aware that jealous probably comes in here and it is an ugly trait!) ... So to combat my ill-feelings I tried initiating positive contact more, to be proactive and try to grow some relationship, but he not his wife ever answers my video calls and never returns missed calls. He never visits our country anymore now he has kids as he says he never has time because of his work, and we can't afford to visit him (plus I don't know if I'd want to waste annual leave or money doing so, even if we could afford it!)

I feel like our relationship is over and I have no more emotional energy to invest. I also feel like I don't have a lot of love for my nieces as I don't know them. I struggle with anxiety, plus have a child with a disability, so life is draining and hard. My capacity feels empty.

My aibu - aibu to act as though I no longer have a brother and let our relationship fall into the zone of no contact? Even though I'm an aunt to his daughters? It just hurts and I feel like giving up. But I can't help but think family is family and maybe in the future we will need our blood-relationship?

Wow you sound horrible. I have a younger brother who is very successful and much wealthier than me. I am so proud of him and tell everyone about his amazing achievements.

I don't see the point of this post.
He doesn't come to UK any more.
You don't want to waste your annual leave visiting him (even if you could afford it)
You are jealous of his wealth and lifestyle (or at least the "curated" bit you see).
You are bitter that he has a life that you see as better than yours, and you resent your parents being in his life.
The answer is staring everyone in the face; stop contact, tell your parents why if they ask.

Reading between the lines, I think you've got tricky circumstances going on at home child with a disability and sounds like he is very wealthy. I have children with disabilities and I constantly feel annoyed/upset/envious at what others can manage easily and we just cannot.
I personally would reach out to your brother and speak 1-1 with him, if you are thinking of cutting contact being totally honest and upfront I suppose what have you got to lose?
As others have mentioned I would organise a call in advance and talk to him
All the best x

This is unreasonable. You don't need to be in contact with him if you don't want to (it seems this is already the case). But why tell your parents "you won't be a oartbof family WhatsApp group if he is in it"? To create tension? Mute the group, or leave it, but there's no need to make a fuss over your jealousy of your brother's life.

You've drifted apart for normal reasons. You live in different countries and you both have families of your own.

You don't need to make some big announcement that you no longer have a relationship, unless you're actually falling out with him over this, which seems a bit extreme.

I think it’s sad you are considering removing yourself from a family chat and ended a relationship with your brother. Can you not make an effort to get to know your nieces, engage more?

What do you do when he posts on the group chat? Ignore it? How about saying something positive? Heart it, make comment ‘ohDN looking like she’s having great fun on holiday! Is she enjoying swimming every day?’

something bog standard but a direct question to him. Do you ask about your nieces? Are you in touch with his wife if he has one? Do you share your life on the family WhatsApp? So he knows how you are getting on?

it sounds like you are basing this on jealousy and are making a rash and unnecessary decision

This is entirely a you-problem but you know that. He isn't doing anything wrong by sharing what they get up to in a family WhatsApp group. He isn't showing off, he isn't bragging he is sharing what his life looks like and it doesn't look like yours. Would you want him to be in your life if he had a lot less money, if he wasn't successful or happy?

There is nothing he can do to make you feel better about yourself or him, he has to live his life the way it looks. You need to work on your insecurities so you can at some point in the future feel good about yourself, until then you will just keep pushing people away. I can't imagine he is the only person you have done this with when these life is so unfair thoughts are clearly so deep rooted in you.

Invest in yourself some. There are some really helpful books that can help you come to terms with how you feel about your family, your childhood and yourself.
I highly recommend Phillipa Perry.
Or just go to the self help section at Waterstones and choose some books.
The only part of this scenario you can control is your reaction.
I did vote NOT unreasonable because of course you can choose whether to be in a WhatsApp group or not, and indeed who you do and don't have a relationship with. But it will be difficult seemingly either way and there will be fallout and collateral damage if you make a big stand.
Start with you.

I have a brother who is a twat and has been vile to me in the past. I maintain the tiniest bit of contact with him as I know that we’ll have to work together when my mum dies. That’s something worth thinking about in all this - when something happens to your parents, you don’t want to have to navigate a horrible/non existent relationship with your brother as well

Bitterness and jealousy and intolerance have eaten away at you so much that now you want to cut your bother and his family out of your life so that you never have to set eyes on them again!

That's terribly sad to have let these poisonous thoughts fester away in your mind. Like an apple that has a rotten but inside that grows and grows.

No you are not entwined in each other's lives but to not have a sense of pride that your brother has done well for himself shows a complete lack of character.

Your brother hasn't done anything wrong.

Stop despising him.

My sister is much richer and "successful" than me. I occasionally gets pangs of envy now and again. But in the main am very happy for her. We didn't used to be close at all. But as we have aged are more and more so. There are very few people who we know all our lives.

I have a successful sister. High flying, house, car, holiday homes, 2.4 kids. etc etc. We're not close as there's a big age gap. She works hard for it, away a lot, late nights at work etc.

Its a life I'd hate, we're very different people. As a result I'm happy to see the pics and hear about her life at arms length.

It's perfectly normal to share photos in family WhatsApp groups, especially when you live abroad. I expect your parents love to see photos of their child and grandchildren.
Saying the photos and videos are "rose tinted" is a bitter thing to say. Absolutely everyone sends nice photos and videos. No one in their right mind would send photos of their child having a tantrum or a video of themselves arguing with their spouse, or pictures of mundane things such as cleaning the toilet. Of course everyone chooses to send happy photos of nice times.
You need to work on yourself.

Just go low contact, there’s no need to make a drama of it.

If you don't have anything to do with him you don't need a big show on how your blocking him and cutting him out your life as your just upsetting your mum. Why are you jealous people have different lives that's reality. They usually have different lives due to circumstances outside there control such as you having a disabled child which will obviously effect your life and finances significantly. You need to learn to be happy for others. If your unhappy in your life change it.

In your situation I simply zoned out. I did have a conversation with my mum at one point that we had no meaningful relationship and we would probably not be in contact once she passed. My frustration really was around the fact that I was stuck with all the looking after of parent and he didn't even phone her unless I told him to.
I regret having thar conversation now as he predeseased her as it turns out. And I'm not sure really why I bothered expressing my views then.
So I would just make peace with it.

I think your brother is a bit of a dick for posting about his amazing life, especially when he must know your life is tough. I would not in a million years do that. I think prior to social media most people were better at filtering what they told to who, out of respect for how it would make the recipient feel.

it’s perfectly normal and natural to feel jealous and I’d advise you to feel ok about having these feelings. They are probably inevitable and you can’t stop yourself having them. There’s good evidence that even some other animal species feel jealous, and respond in very human ways to these feelings. So you’ve evolved to feel like this. So don’t beat yourself up for having these feelings.

What you can do is control how you respond to these feelings. Allow yourself to have them but then say, ‘it’s ok to have these feelings. I’ll allow myself to feel them for ( ten minutes or time of your choice) and then stop and I’ll think about something else. With practice, you will be able to discipline yourself into this response.

I would keep on responding to your brother as you have, keep him on mute in WhatsApp, delete his posts, don’t visit. You’ve never had a relationship with your brother and it looks like trying to form one now will just cause you more pain than gain. Don’t make any announcements to your Mum. Just keep low contact with your brother. I guess you could always just not look at the family WhatsApp at all, and just communicate with your parents directly, if that worked better for you.

All I hear when I read your OP is bitterness and jealousy.

I really don't think he's a dick for sharing family photos when he lives abroad. We do that, everyone does that if they live far from their families. Most people actually enjoy seeing them. I love seeing my brother's holiday photos. It's not good to let bitterness eat away at you. You're the only one who suffers.

I'm not in contact with my brother for different reasons.
Mum keeps me up to date with what's going on.
I didn't make a formal announcement that I'm not in contact and when mum asks if I've had any contact I just swerve by saying something like ' no, he's not been in touch' or 'I haven't heard from him since I last left a message'
I would stay on the family chat but not necessarily engage with brother.

I'm so glad I've never been in a family What's App group - they sound awful.
Lots of siblings drift apart, OP - it's completely normal.
Just live your life however it suits you.

He probably feels the same to be fair? What makes you think that he wants a relationship with you anymore than you do with him?

Just mute the WhatsApp group.

I think you should do what you need to do to protect your mental health. It’s obvious that seeing your brother’s perfect life is eating you up. Tell your mother that you need a break from it and just come off the WhatsApp.

@publicusername he is definitely not a dick for sharing his life with his parents and sibling on a family WhatsApp group, that is exactly what they are for. Sure instead of sharing pictures of his kids playing on the beach or eating at a restaurant he could share photos of himself flossing his teeth, his kids putting their socks on or something else mundane to not hurt his sister but that wouldn't be helpful for his parents if the idea is that they are sharing what they get up to because they live so far apart.

You don't have to keep in touch if you don't want to. I wouldn't recognise my brother, his wife or children if I were in the room with them. No falling out, just haven't seen them for 25 years and never met the kids. They were always more interested in her side if the family. We live maybe three hours apart, by car.