Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

[Freelll]

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

Of course men & women can be friends. I have to admit though I'm happy my DH doesn't cavort about with other women going for meals,nights out etc as a couple. It's nothing to do with trust & plenty to do with respecting boundaries within marriage.

Agree. You sound like you get zero say!? Bizarre. I’d be asking if I could have her ticket and if not I’d be going.

Cavorting 🤣

He's spending time with a friend

Do you go out for meals and holidays with girl friends?

Is he allowed to do the same with boy friends?

It's everything to do with trust. You are saying you don't trust him to spend time with another woman without ripping her clothes off and shagging her over dessert

😂

If men and women can be friends, why would they be cavorting about and why would a man and woman eating together automatically be a couple? It's just eating.

Can you only eat with your husband once you get married? I think I missed the memo.

I think some people voted YABU as in that OP can't have it both ways.

If she's holidayed with male friends, why can't her DH go with a female

My husband and I have differing hobbies and interests too, so I understand your football context - quite similar to my art gallery context.

In my world, a bestie or my husband would fly into Florence for a couple of days for the non-art gallery specific "holidaying" portion.

We are all individuals and these are your boundaries. If it works for you in your marriage, that makes it right.

Again,of course there is nothing wrong with a business lunch together,or a work related night out with a group. Married couples who are happy with their husbands & wives having close relationships with the opposite sex where they regularly go out together should crack on. I definitely don't think they are the majority though.

A lunch is a lunch. What does it matter if it's work related or just because? Especially since it isn't unusual for friends to eat lunch together.

Are you sure you think men and women can be friends? It doesn't sound like it.

After the football related stuff, we'd do other things DH also isn't really interested in such as rock climbing, kayaking etc.

DH and I have our own holidays together, he doesn't need to join me on a friend holiday.

Yes it is, but there are around 400 million guns owned by private citizens, i.e. a literally insane number of guns.

The population of the USA is around 350 million.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your relationship. Whether opposite sex friends are okay without limits, not okay at all, or anything else is only subject to whatever the two of you agree on.

In my marriage, we don't have opposite sex friends and that's never caused a problem. Also, our rule is nobody outside our relationship can ever come before either of the people in our relationship. In other words, if I don't want one of his friends around, they're out, and vice versa. That's always worked easily for us but it might not work at all for some other couples.

But, in my opinion, for a marriage that's not dysfunctional, the rules have to be agreed on by both of you and they have to be fair. The two of you need to have a calm, honest, respectful talk and figure out what your ground rules are and both stick with them. If you feel like you were wrong to go on a trip with a male friend in the past, tell him so and apologize. If can't work it out on your own, why not try marriage counseling. Good luck to you.

Agreed.

QFT. You can't complain about him going away with a female friend when you have gone away with male friends (plural).

Have you been on holidays just you and ONE male friend though? When you were married? I find that odd, but maybe I'm old-fashioned.... if so, you can't tell him not to.
But if that's not the case, then I would be tagging along or telling him not to go.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to at least ask, but given your own insistence at holidays with your male friends you would be unreasonable to expect a higher standard from him than you were willing to embody.

Are the boys adult and/or paying their own way? I'm so confused about the logistics. Assuming we are talking about children, they get to pick which parent they want to travel with. They picked friends dad after all tje tickets were bought, husband let's his son with the friend dad while he holidays with mum? Or will both friends parents be there at the same time but husband and son will share a room, friends dad and friend will share a room and mum will have her own. Everyone will go to basketball and some other activities together?

I agree with @DeepFatFried‘s suggestion above.

@Freelll, this would not be happening in my marriage. This woman isn’t a close family friend or even an old platonic friend of your H. She is a school mom, and she and H are now planning an exciting trip together to the U.S. This would be breaching boundaries in my relationship.

The dynamic has shifted. Whereas their focus would have been on the boys, it will now be on each other and their fun, bonding experiences.

You are not being unreasonable at all, @Freelll. Be honest and express your discomfort, and ask him to not go.

Questions:
Why on earth have the boys been allowed to ditch the initial plans?
How long ago did they cancel?
How well do you know this woman?
Has H had mentionitis or have you had niggles about their interactions?

I really don't see the issue. Am currently away with a male friend. What's the big deal

You don’t really have a leg to stand on as you’ve done the same yourself. I wouldn’t be happy about it either though.

The ones who maybe aren't so insecure and trust their spouses

Me neither.

I think all you can do is tell him how you feel about it. I wouldn’t continue the marriage but I am a jealous type who would never marry someone who thought this was OK.

And clearly you thought it was ok for you to do it…

Regardless if you have done it in the past and he wasn't happy, there is no way I would allow this to happen. I would insist on going also. Totally weird and not ok.
This isn't about being insecure or don't trust their spouses. This is a mouse sniffing around a bit of chocolate on a trap, then thinks he will get away with just a little nibble...

YABU. Either you trust your husband or you don't. He didn't engineer this situation, the kids did (and I don't really understand why you are all letting them drop off the holiday plans after the tickets have been booked!).

I would understand you having an issue with him going on holiday without you, but that's not the issue here.

In your husband's shoes, I would be massively offended that you suggested the holiday was inappropriate or suspicious.

As others have said, tag along if you don't want to be left out.

That would have been a nope from me from day 1.
Hang on, are the separated couple spending the 2 weeks together ? Plus your DH and 2 children of unknown age. How strange.