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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

335 replies

Freelll · 17/02/2025 21:44

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
Fibrous · 18/02/2025 08:06

This wouldn't bother me, but I go away on work trips with my ex frequently (we now work together), and neither his wife nor my DP care. Men and women (and exes!) can have platonic friendships.

Miaowzabella · 18/02/2025 08:25

Sauce, geese and ganders come to mind.

KimberleyClark · 18/02/2025 08:41

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 00:39

Very true.

I'd find it controlling if my DH thought he got a say in who I go on holiday with and I'd assume he didn't trust me and if he didn't trust me then well, what's the point?.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not controlling to not like the idea of your spouse going on holiday alone with a member of the opposite sex. It’s perfectly normal.

Walkaround · 18/02/2025 08:46

Are they finding a couple of random children to take with them, since the “tickets have already been paid for”?

Butchyrestingface · 18/02/2025 08:53

I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

You don't have a leg to stand on.

Butchyrestingface · 18/02/2025 08:56

healthybychristmas · 18/02/2025 00:06

I don't understand this at all. I don't know anyone who would be happy with the husband going on holiday with another woman. I don't know any man who would be happy with his wife going on holiday with another man.

Her husband WASN'T happy when she went off on holiday with male friends. He told her so and she didn't give a shit so what's sauce for goosey is sauce for gander.

MissUltraViolet · 18/02/2025 08:56

It all sounds stupid. So your DH is going to go and just hand over his son to this man and while he’s looking after the kids, DH is going to holiday with this mans ex wife? At the same place and same time?

Biggest mistake was allowing the children to cause this.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/02/2025 08:56

OneShoeShort · 17/02/2025 22:51

Her husband "only" had to worry whether she would accept the potential advances of another man - she now has to worry whether he's going to be the one making advances.

Ah yes, how could any of us forget. The natural state of men is to be constantly seeking sex while women are merely passive sexual gatekeepers.

Indeed. And all extra marital affairs are conducted only by married men and with single women - and never (never) do married women have affairs. Them's the rules

Butterfly292828 · 18/02/2025 08:58

Greenfencebrowntree · 17/02/2025 23:49

Women are pickier. Less inclined to an opportunistic shag with whoever we are thrown together with.

Look, I'm not saying either of these people are necessarily interested in shagging each other. But if one of them turns out to have packed condoms on the off chance, it will be him.
I have never heard a tale of a man and a woman going away together, the woman intiating sex, and the man coming over all shocked and refusing. The other way round, of course.

Show quote history

Greenfencebrowntree, I think it’s you thats being totally naive, woman can be just as manipulative as the male.
I bet you she’s packed some sexy underwear & maybe condoms, just on the off chance.
If it was me, I wouldn’t be booking any expensive holiday, children or no children, if I wasn’t slightly attracted to the man. Sorry!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/02/2025 09:00

Cottonplease · 17/02/2025 23:15

I wouldn't be happy but I'd go with them. Bit difficult if you've gone withmale friends on your own. You didn't say whether it was with others too. My main concern would be as the woman has split with her husband. She'll be looking and your dh will be on tap. So no I wouldn't want him to go.

"She'll be looking". Ah yes, because all women after a relationship break up are predatory sex fiends or thirsting after a relationship with a married man...

Billydavey · 18/02/2025 09:02

If you’d posted about your holiday with a male friend that you took, you’d be told that it’s fine, your husband can’t dictate what you do, and you should go.

now you’re posting about his holiday with a female friend you’re being told you’re right to say no, it’s dodgy and wrong.

im afraid you set the rules when you holidayed with another man and now you don’t like it the shoe is on the other foot. You embody the hypocrisy that is rife on mumsnet.

ExercicenformedeZ · 18/02/2025 09:03

Panofrashers · 17/02/2025 23:11

Kind of gross you’d even consider holidaying in the US at the moment.

Why? Because of Trump? I can't stand the man but I still travel to the US.

HeyDrake · 18/02/2025 09:03

All of these comments are mental. If he wants to cheat, he would cheat. Could be with someone at work, or a woman at the gym or a waitress or anyone. I bet this other woman, who has committed the ultimate crime in the eyes of married women by actually divorcing, finds your husband repellent. As I find 90% of my friend's husbands.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/02/2025 09:03

Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2025 23:54

Am gobsmacked that 22% think this is okay! On what planet do people think it’s fine that their husband go on holiday with another (single!) female?! Bonkers…

Probably the same planet that think it's fine for them (assuming they're female) to go on holiday with another (single!) male?!...

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 09:04

I can't imagine being in a relationship where either of us swan off on holiday with other people. Mind-boggling.

Billydavey · 18/02/2025 09:05

In fact, if a woman posts on here that her husband does something with a female friend the advice is often to do the same yourself to “show him how it feels”

perhaps he asked advice when op had her holiday (which I’m sure nothing happened on…) and was told to do the same himself (presuming he posted as a woman not a man)

gannett · 18/02/2025 09:06

Greenfencebrowntree · 17/02/2025 23:49

Women are pickier. Less inclined to an opportunistic shag with whoever we are thrown together with.

Look, I'm not saying either of these people are necessarily interested in shagging each other. But if one of them turns out to have packed condoms on the off chance, it will be him.
I have never heard a tale of a man and a woman going away together, the woman intiating sex, and the man coming over all shocked and refusing. The other way round, of course.

Show quote history

I suppose you've never heard of two people of the opposite sex going on holiday together and neither initiating sex at all? Because they are just friends?

If you don't think a particular man can be trusted to go on holiday with another woman without making a move on her, don't marry him. If you don't think any man can, stay single.

DP and I have both been away one-on-one with other men, other women, gay friends, lesbian friends. Reasons include one of us having annual leave but the other one doesn't; music festivals where one of us isn't into the main genre; off the beaten track trekking where a proper bed and electricity isn't guaranteed (not for me); work-adjacent trips that I've turned into extended stays. No one has made any inappropriate move. This is the norm in my group of friends (hence always having someone to join us on trips). The panic induced by the phrase "another woman" on MN is baffling to me.

The thing the OP should put her foot down about is the children apparently unilaterally deciding holiday logistics, wtf.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/02/2025 09:09

ClairDeLaLune · 18/02/2025 00:17

Umm no you can’t object if you’ve been away with male friends! That would be really hypocritical.

But also they shouldn’t have let the boys pull out of the holiday of it was bought and paid for and money was lost as a result.

Yes, this the bit that surprises me the most - ie the boys being able to pull out of a booked and paid for ho,I day (I assume) because they prefer to go on a different holiday. If the planned trip has already been booked and paid for - or even if it hasn't but time booked off work, plans made etc - I would want the trip to be salvaged!

Ablondiebutagoody · 18/02/2025 09:10

You have done the same. You don't have a leg to stand on. He should go on the sexy holiday.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 18/02/2025 09:13

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 09:04

I can't imagine being in a relationship where either of us swan off on holiday with other people. Mind-boggling.

So you are only ever allowed to spend time with your partner?

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone so controlling and demanding on my time...

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 18/02/2025 09:15

"It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that I don't trust him"

Is what some people are saying here

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 18/02/2025 09:15

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 09:04

I can't imagine being in a relationship where either of us swan off on holiday with other people. Mind-boggling.

I know quite a few people who do - largely because of non aligned interests(eg one partner loves hard hiking and the other doesn't) or because one partner can get time off work and the other can't

Billydavey · 18/02/2025 09:19

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 18/02/2025 09:15

"It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that I don't trust him"

Is what some people are saying here

If he didn’t trust her people would say it’s because he’s projecting and he either wants an affair or is having one.

she doesn’t trust him despite having been on holiday with another man herself. Is she projecting?

SpotlessLeopard · 18/02/2025 09:19

I don't understand why you have allowed your son to just decide he's not going with his dad when tickets have already been booked and paid for. I would be saying no to that firstly.
Also I think you should go with your husband.

scanni · 18/02/2025 09:31

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 09:04

I can't imagine being in a relationship where either of us swan off on holiday with other people. Mind-boggling.

I'm off on my own this week, DH staying home with DC. Over the years we have both had several holidays with other people, not as described by OP, but it's not a problem to holiday with someone other than your partner. I'm not co dependent and neither is DH, that's what makes a relationship imo. We are both secure in ourselves and have no reason to prevent the other taking a holiday.