Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

[Freelll]

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

I guess I thought the concept was that no one should spend time with someone who might find them attractive. In which case my husband should stay away from drinks with a gay man and I should definitely never travel with a gay woman. Or is he meant to avoid travelling with a gay woman? That's even more confusing.

It’s actually making me sad that so many people are restricting their friendships so tightly. So just because I’m married I can no longer have gay women friends or male friends? Am I allowed to have single women friends? What if we have a good friend who is bisexual? Who is allowed to be friends with them?

You can be friends with whoever you like, or indeed holiday with however you like - no-one is restricting you personally.

I also wouldn't say that most people would expect their spouse to not have a range of friends. Many just wouldn't be comfortable with them going away on a coupley holiday with an opposite sex friend, assuming they're hetero.

You’ve been on holiday with male friends before? What was the context for that?
I was all ready to say Yanbu until I read that part.

Exactly. It's nothing to do with heterosexual friendships with gay people of which both my DH & I are happy to befriend.

Go with them! Problem solved.

But no, you're not being unreasonable. Its different going with the kids, but a married man and another female going on a holiday together is wrong on every level and you NEED TO SPEAK UP! Otherwise you are complicit and making him think this (and then more) is acceptable.

My male friends' partners are mostly my friends as well (and I have even been on holiday with some of them one-on-one, too). Some of them were my friends first! Some of them hang out with my DP one-on-one and I have no issue with it. They have no problem whatsoever with the very normal scenario of a man and a woman who are not a couple still socialising and travelling together.

A coupley holiday (ie what I do with DP and previous boyfriends) is where we go somewhere, see the sights, eat local food, go hiking, go to bars, kiss and hold hands and have sex.

A non-coupley holiday (ie what I have done one-on-one with both male and female friends) involves the same first five things but not the last three.

Hope that helps!

A non-coupley holiday (ie what I have done one-on-one with both male and female friends) involves the same first five things but not the last three.
Hope that helps!

Marvelous! If you and your spouse are happy, there are no issues, are there? That's why I said "many people" not "all people ever".

Hope that helps!

You implied that any one-on-one holiday with an opposite-sex friend is a coupley holiday. I was pointing out a key difference.

The number of unhealthy relationships on MN are wild. How do any of you cope when you/your partner is at work? After all some maruding recently single woman may jump your husband. Or your husband may be so overcome he can't help but hump the checkout woman at tesco.

Its a trip to see a sport they both enjoy, one they've made before, and one which wasn't initially planned to be just then.

The only way I'd have a problem with this was if he'd booked a trip with her at the expense of us having any time/ a holiday together.

But I trust my partners, and am also aware that as a grown adults they are free to make his own choices. Keeping them home won't stop them cheating if they want too!

The original trips - two kids who are friends are fans of basketball and want to go to the US to watch games with a parent each - seems reasonable enough. Your DH and the mother are there to take the kids, look after them and enjoy a holiday with a member of their family.
As soon as you take away the children it becomes odd. Basically your DH is spending a holiday with another woman. I’d offer to go along too and do something else while they are watching the basketball games. There must be stuff other than basketball to see. Perhaps you could use your son’s ticket. Or ask your DH to cancel or rearrange his ticket so you can travel somewhere together as a family or a couple.

But I trust my partners, and am also aware that as a grown adults they are free to make his own choices. Keeping them home won't stop them cheating if they want too!

Out of interest, do you have several?

Your title suggests they're sharing a week in a villa in Greece. Your actual post suggests they are just sharing a flight.

It's difficult to know what's unreasonable without further details. I have a really good male friend who I went into London with yesterday and we had lunch and came home again together. I introduced him to my DH after we'd become good friends and now they're really good friends too. There is absolutely no chance I'd be unfaithful to my DH with my friend. Eww.

It's about trust though. Do you worry your DH is going to be unfaithful?

Totally agree - if my Dad was taking Lisa for a drink, or Mum going on holiday with Brian, it would have been the weirdest thing ever. Not that this would ever have happened!!!

Just two!

Just two!

Ah, okay. So your personal relationships do already fall outwith the norm, and outwith where most people's comfort levels would lie.

This isn't a critisism btw, if you and your partners are happy then that's fine. But it's also okay for other people to prefer different relationship boundaries, even if they wouldn't be for you personally.

I agree with this. The idea of my DH going on holiday or to bars theatre,restaurants etc for a night out alone with another woman is beyond weird as I'm sure it is for the vast majority of hetro couples.Each to their own if it works for them although I still see it like an open marriage without the sex.

Nothing to do with sex.

It’s my friendship, not DH’s. Why would it need to include him? He has his own friends.

It’s nothing like an open marriage.

Going on holiday with my male friend is exactly the same as going on holiday with a female friend.

If he was planning to book a holiday with a female friend, I'd understand you not being happy, but this isn't the case. Why don't you book to go along with them if you're not happy about it?

True, I wouldn't have had a problem with this when I was monogamous either though.

The biggest red flag for me is people aren't setting boundaries, they're setting rules.

The biggest red flag for me is people aren't setting boundaries, they're setting rules.

I mentioned this earlier, but I think it's just a question of compatability. So, neither DH or I would go on holiday with an opposite-sex friend, but it's literally not something we've ever discussed. It's just that way organically as we're on the same page in terms of what's okay and what's an overstep.

I don't think DH and I have ever told each other "no you can't do that", about anything.

I think that still depends on the context of the friendship though.

How long you've known them, what sort of relationships the other person is in and more importantly why you doing the holiday.

I think it's only a problem if you have some concerns around trust with him, so if that's the case there probably needs to be a conversation about how you are feeling and why