Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

[Freelll]

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

That's fine, they shouldn't be in a relationship they weren't comfortable in either.

No one is right or wrong.

Problem is when those views are not aligned or when people want to chop & change the rules to suit, like OP.

It's the shared experience, making memories thing. The odd meal or drink is one thing. A full on holiday is quite another.

Theres no law about this - rights and wrongs of this situation change with the circumstances. When I was new in a relationship, going away the girls was never of any interest. I only wanted to be with my boyfriend. After being with a boyfriend for some it was nice to go away and have them to come back to.

I would feel comfortable about my husband going away for a bit with work colleagues or an old female friend. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a newly separated friend who in the past had done the holiday with her husband and kids. The dynamics have changed. She's vulnerable and it's an adult only holiday.

They aren't sharing a bed (I would assume) or holding hands though

And you make memories and share experiences with all sorts of people that aren't your partner

And still none of these "no mixed sex friendship outings" have addressed the idea of a same sex gay friend...

They aren't sharing a bed (I would assume) or holding hands though

Those are just two examples of intimacies that aren't sex, but that many people would still wish to reserve for their intimate relationships. Going on a two-person holiday is another one, for some people. Clearly not for others. As I said, that's fine as long both people in a couple have the same expectation re boundaries.

If they are both single, they can do what they like. I was more talking about if they aren't single.

Of course people can be friends first before dating/marriage. Again though, cheaters are going to cheat, holiday or no holiday.

Exactly.

I make memories with friends all of the time, what's the difference if they are male or female?

There is a difference in going on a holiday with multiple people of the opposite sex as against going with just 1 person of the opposite sex. Crucial detail is which one have you been on?
If the former then you have every right to say no to this NBA trip. If latter then you are on shaky ground and will need to jump in and accompany them.

Else make the kids go.

And still none of these "no mixed sex friendship outings" have addressed the idea of a same sex gay friend...

Well surely that is only relevant if both people are gay. I'm sure their are gay couples where one would object to their partner going away exclusively with another gay friend.

But anyway it doesn't even need to be about the sex. I wouldn't want my husband having his best ever holiday with another woman. He could have the best holiday with his mates because that's an different dynamic. Another single woman ...nah.

The dynamic isn't different at all just because my mate is male. I've definitely had the best holidays with him because it has largely involved massive European football matches which my DH couldn't care less about and would be bored stiff at.

You seem very vested in this. Very many posters have commented to you directly that there are no rights and wrongs regarding this, but just what a couple are mutually comfortable with in their relationship - yet you persist. Are you seeking validation for your chosen lifestyle?

But surely if the issue is the "intimacy" then it's the same as for a gay man spending time with another man is like a straight woman spending time with a man.

It's not even a "special" holiday. It's a trip they go on regularly.

No more vested than the ‘very many’ posters who have responded to me? I thought we were having a discussion.

Saying there are no right or wrongs is fine but if someone claims it’s a different dynamic (when they’ve never even gone on holiday with a male friend) then I will challenge that as someone who actually goes on holiday with a male friend.

Okey dokey...

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her.

And so you must tell him,@Freelll. Please don’t stifle your discomfort like you did previously.

H’s holidaying alone with School Mom is new territory for these two, which he must be looking forward to or he wouldn’t be going. Their previous travels with the boys would have had a family energy, but there will be a new vibe now — multiple days of flying, dining/drinks, games, walks, bantering, sightseeing, etc. in each other’s company. A similar situation I know of damaged a marriage irreparably due to the connection that evolved.

@Freelll, don’t be reticent to speak up because you traveled with close male friends years ago. This is not a trip with an old established mate. H wants to go across the Atlantic to spend a lot of time and have some fantastic experiences with your son’s friend’s mom, a more recently acquired friend. Your unsettled feelings are valid. Let him know how you feel.

I must be weird only wanting to holiday with dh and not male friends and not letting dh holiday with female friends. Weirdly we only want to holiday together.

How old are the boys ?

bur if tickets have Ben brought and paid for then they go with mum and your dh

They don’t choose who takes them

Not weird, exactly, but it presumably limits you, unless you both like doing exactly the same things?

People have already said not all men/women going away with friends will cheat.

The fact it hasn't happened in your case doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Despite being on the back foot, OP's concerns are still valid.

No one can say 100% dynamics don't change going by one example.

pp stated dynamics would change as if it was a fact and that is what I was responding to.

Cheaters are going to cheat. Nothing is going to prevent that.

This 100%. Life is short. We don't get enough leisure time & holidays with our husbands without sharing him with another woman. They should find their own man to holiday with & go out for meals & nights out without muscling in on somebody elses husband.The same goes for men who pursue someone else's wife under the umbrella of 'just friends' Friendships involving couples together & groups are are a whole different scenario.

Im actually flabbergasted that so many people would have a blanket ban on another adult doing something. If someone wants to cheat, they can cheat at home or at work or anywhere really. My husband goes camping with his female friend sometime and I couldn't care less. I hate camping and uninvited myself years back.

Is it okay to go on a trip with my gay female friend? Is it okay to go on a trip with a group of friends? Minus logistics and finances I'm not sure what else would need to be discussed if either my husband or I want to go wherever suits us.

Anyway the ship has sailed as you did it first so it would be odd to change the rules now without a discussion.

It's not about having a blanket ban @PurpleThistle7 . My husband is free to do what ever he wishes... But I am free to decide whether I feel valued and respected in the relationship or whether I wish to leave it.

Equally I get that it is fine to have a much more laissez fair approach to the whole thing and be chill about whether or not your other half is shagging about. At the end of the day we all are free to decide what kind of relationship we want. And to leave a relationship if it isn't meeting those standards. And it's fine to have different expectations from someone else, without those expectations being right or wrong.

And yes, of course they can sneak around at home. But there's a big difference that happening behind your back and pretty much packing the condoms for them as they head off on a mini break with their "just a good friend".

I don't have an open relationship, don't 'shag around' and still manage to have friendships with the same and opposite sex - as does my husband. This can include any number of fun activities including trips away.

Of course every relationship gets to make up their own rules but it would need a discussion and an agreement. I'd personally feel very under valued in a relationship if my husband couldn't trust me not to cheat just because I fly somewhere with a friend. Am genuinely amazed at the responses, it's interesting to see! Going to go talk to my friends now to see if I'm just the outlier

I used to be very chill about this too. But after witnessing so many friends discover infidelity. And after the penny dropping that my (now ex) was almost certainly unfaithful, I have realised that expecting others to live by the standards I hold myself to is just naive.
I also think that long faithful happy marriages are something worth aspiring to but that they take effort and boundaries to work