Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

[Freelll]

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

Not at all. We've been away together without footie too, it just usually includes footie.

I wouldn't be with DH if he tried to control who I'm close friends with. I've known my best friend who is male for longer than DH and I've ended previous relationships when they thought they had a say in my friendship with him.

My friend is married now too and his wife is ok with it because he also wouldn't be with someone who would try to tell him who he's allowed to be friends with.

Nah stuff that my dh wouldn't dare do it I would divorce him if he attempted it i would equally never attempt to just wouldn't happen in this house and our life we actually love to just holiday together

Yes she didn’t give a shit about his feelings, he wasn’t ok about her going with her male friends. Now the shoe is firmly on the other foot, she doesn’t like it.

There's a lot of factors to think about here.

If your family has the means to travel all the time and can afford to travel/go on trips together several times a year, then your DH going solo for one of the trips with this woman would be less strange.

If it's the one opportunity your family gets for a holiday a year and your DH wants to go with someone else, I would be miffed too.

It also sounds like you don't know this woman well even though she spends a lot of time with your kids and has even gone on holidays with them in the past. I find that a bit strange. Generally speaking if someone was around my family that much I would want to get to know them well, even if we didn't become best friends. It's no wonder you don't trust her if you don't know her.

I have sympathy because I would be very uncomfortable in your situation and would NOT be cool about it but you have shot yourself in the foot by ignoring your DH's feelings about your own holidays with men.

It was years ago, and @Freelll has regretted being stubborn about going. We all have regrets about past actions and would do things differently now. That being said, she traveled with old mates. This woman has only come on the scene as a school parent and basketball fan. She is not an old friend of H’s or a close friend of the marriage.

@Freelll, there should be a safe emotional space in your relationship where you can be open and honest about your unsettled feelings and your valid request that he not go to the U.S. with this woman.

My husband has been away with a single female friend on a camping trip. They slept in the same tent too. I know my husband, I know his friend, I have no concerns about this.

I'm going to visit a (single) male friend who lives overseas next week. I'll be staying in his apartment. We'll go for dinner, and drinks. And my husband is okay with that too.

@Alaimo well done on your normal healthy relationship. All the other marriages on here sound so restrictive and based on paranoia.

Nonsense.Its more like married people who support strong extra marital ties & close emotional bonds with a special member of the opposite sex are trying to justify each other having a 'bit on the side' Afairs are not always sexual.

'Affairs' are not always sexual.

I think you just proved pp’s point.

Talk about paranoia.

Oh hell no! If I were you, I'd go with them, or just simply say he isn't going. Surely he can cancel and get some money back

How is that different to his trip?

Join them.

There is no way on God's green earth that I would let that happen, but you have absolutely no right to say no. He told you he didn't want you to go away with male friends (it doesn't matter how many years ago) and you still went anyway - It sounds like more than once? He has played you at your own game 🤷‍♀️

Thankfully respect & common sense prevails. Let those married men & women who deem having a close personal relationship with a single or married member of the opposite sex, which basically excludes the spouse,crack on. The rest of us set boundaries within marriage which are neither paranoid nor filled with lack of trust. It's about respecting each others space while not crossing the line by becoming too emotionally invested & involved within the boundaries of someone else's marriage.

And what about those who have no such boundaries for their own actions but seek to impose one on their partner?

It’s actually making me sad that so many people are restricting their friendships so tightly. So just because I’m married I can no longer have gay women friends or male friends? Am I allowed to have single women friends? What if we have a good friend who is bisexual? Who is allowed to be friends with them?

It is a shame to rule out friendships with such a high proportion of the population just based on having a specific relationship with one specific person. And quite odd to think I should only socialise with my husband. As we have no babysitters, ever, I would have to stay home with him every single night instead of us taking turns going out with our friends sometimes? That would be quite sad.

tonight I’m going to the theatre with my friend’s husband. He loves musicals. I love musicals. Our spouses do not. Easy solution was found! We will somehow manage not to sleep together while on the bus.

YABU. You dont have a leg to stand on knowing you've done it to him when he wasnt happy about it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you shouldn't have done something that made him unhappy if you knew you'd be unhappy about it yourself. Now its come back to bite you on the arse. Tough shit imo!

Don't get why the kids are calling the shots here. Tell the kids to stick with the original plan if it's already been booked.

With all due respect nobody has criticised friendships within heterosexual marriage with people in the gay community. That's a totally different concept.

I know I would be saying no bloody way to this! It puts the marriage in serious jeopardy. It also looks hugely disrespectful.

I know it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex that you don't fancy and nothing would ever happen. I'm single and I have a few male friends that I go out with and feel no attraction to ... but equal numbers where it easily could go somewhere.

There was a commenter upthread saying the female friend wouldn't initiate sex, only men make the moves. This is bollocks! I've made a move plenty of times and sometimes it's reciprocated (but not always). Women aren't passive creatures, they're quite capable of being the initiator and changing the dynamic.

I would just be very uneasy about this whole idea and have to be vocal, even if it made me a hypocrite.

@CyanMaker

cant go out drinking with friends?!

how controlling

has regretted being stubborn about going.

No, she regrets it now as it's undermines her position. That's not the same as feeling bad about going on the holiday despite it being hurtful for her husband at the time.

OP is highly unreasonable. Or she fucked her friend and assumes that's what everyone else does.

I think the children are getting very uncomfortable about the obvious situation between the two adults.
That's why they opted out.