Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

[Freelll]

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

Isn’t it obvious?

By different dynamic I was referencing points made about this situation specifically .

Holidays between close friends ( these could be either sex) can be fine. In this situation it's that the original premise of "taking the kids" has changed. Plus the woman is now single.

What would happen if your footie mate asked if you wanted to go to Europe to look at art or horse trekking instead. Would your husband not be slightly 🧐 it even though he knows you two have been away together regularly?

But then OP had been away with male friends against her husbands wishes

I mean, you can have opposite sex friends and not shag them nor want to, why can't you go too if you're that bothered?

Some of these comments are really weird about people not being allowed to be friends or go on holidays with friends of the opposite sex. Going on holidays with friends is not ‘living separate lives’. I’ve been happily married for 17 years and we both have friends, separate and mutual, who are of the opposite sex. I don’t fancy my male friends so I don’t assume he fancies his female friends.

How is it that your child can ‘choose’ to travel with the other parent? And who pays for the new tickets - the friend’s dad?

Just say your child travels with his dad as planned, you can take the friend’s ticket.

Do women who think it's normal & acceptable for a single woman to be a close friend of a married man,meeting for drinks etc & according to this thread even holiday together, honestly think their friends wife is happy about it. If she is happy & accepting of the situation it's because the couple have an unusual take on boundaries within marriage & she feels free to do the same.

As far as children are concerned. When I was growing up if I heard my father saying to my mother I'm meeting Lisa after work for a few drinks, or worse arranging a holiday weekend with her, I'd have thought he'd lost the plot.

Whenever I have thought that men were "just " my friends, they have generally ended up propositioning me at some point even when I was never even remotely flirty. Or to admitting years down the line that they had been interested in more than friendship.

I have learnt, over the years,.that it is brave /naive to assume others hold themselves to the same standards that I do

You both sound as bad as each other, if you have done it also in the past with male friends (which as a man I would never allow, if you don't like it then leave but that would be my boundary)

As stated you have done it yourself so not really in a position to complain now because it doesn't suit.

This is such bad advice, I can assure you men would not hang around women for the conversation. If you have a partner or are married that would be a no go for me.

Did you quote the wrong person?I agree with you

The thing is, out of the various people you meet, befriend etc, there are those that you feel some sort of frisson with, that you know, in the right circumstances, you would want to have sex with or have a relationship with. This will probably include a percentage of your friends.

Going away one-on-one with someone like that is a raging recipe for disaster. Just add booze, a feeling of increased closeness after time spent together, and you're balls deep in an affair.

Monogamy long-term is an active choice.

No. Bloody. Way.

It would be grounds for divorce in this house! YANBU

I guess I'm old fashioned. I think it's totally inappropriate for married people to go on a trip like that with someone of the opposite sex. I'm not even a fan of people taking any long trip if their spouse isn't invited. The same with either partner going out drinking without their spouse. It sets people up for trouble and sometimes temptation .

YABU, firstly because it is hypocritical for you to object to something you have done the equivalent of, secondly, because it is likely you hold the outdated and sexist attitude that a man and a woman cannot have any relationship without sex being a factor, and thirdly, if you cannot trust your husband, why did you get married and are still married to him.

My one and only girlfriend in the past used to go away for trips with male and female friends as she was the outdoorsy type who enjoyed things like rafting and skiing, and I was never bothered. This year, I'm going on a three peaks charity hiking event over the course of a weekend with someone else's wife who has even said she would be comfortable sharing a room with me (she has served in the military in the past and has been overseas with male and female colleagues), her husband doesn't appear to have a problem. Ultimately if someone wants to cheat, they'll cheat, they don't need to spend time away with someone to do that, so the first thing you need to do is take a logical look at your insecurity and ask yourself if it is really justified, as ironically, acting needy and jealous can actually stimulate the thing you are afraid of (an affair).

I have to say that much as I would absolutely hate my partner going away wirh a female friend, because you've done the same thing wirh male friends - against your hubby's wishes, I don't think you have a leg to stand on. He'd have to be extremely forgiving to cancel. I think your only option is to see if they'll have you along. Good luck!

You don't own your wife, you cannot forbid her to do anything, only object.

Isn’t there a difference between long standing friendships that may even predate marriage and a recent friendship that excludes the other partner.

Given by how much American sport is available on UK it does seem a suspicious holiday, even with the ‘boys’.

if you don’t/can’t join then the boys should be forced to go and next year travel with the other father. Are their tickets refundable?

Isn’t there a difference between long standing friendships that may even predate marriage and a recent friendship that excludes the other partner.

I think this is grasping at straws, but it’s also a distinction you’ve invented in this case. OP has provided absolutely no detail about the length of these relationships or how well she knows this other mum or her DH knew her male friends.

Still find the whole ‘can’t be friends with member of the opposite sex’ thing weird. Must be a hetero thing maybe. I’m bisexual and if I could only hang out or go away with friends who I couldn’t possibly be attracted to…well, erm, I’d be a very, very lonely person 😂 Very glad my DH is trusting and doesn’t have a jealous, possessive bone in his body.

That said, clearly an issue for you but there’s two free tickets, so act like you assumed you were obviously going in one of the boys’ places. What’s he going to do, say no? Job done.

This! I’d tel my child that he’s going whether he likes it or not as it’s booked and paid for!

but no I would be telling him either I go too or he doesn’t go

I don't do anything I don't agree with just because my husband chooses too.
He didn't like his wife going on holiday with her male mate, why would he then do the same? It's not a tit for tat competition.

Actually it's worse I guess because if the Op has said she's uncomfortable and he knows how this insecurity feels, he's choosing to hurt her. The Op might not have understood his feelings of insecurity when she did it because going away with her friends of either sex was normal. Like many poster on here have said.
And it was in the early days of their relationship when they were clearly working out what their Iives together look like.

i am still very surprised by this chat. Some people even saying you shouldn’t go out for drinks with someone of the opposite sex? I a married and have been - faithfully - with my husband for 25 years now. We have mutual friends and our own friends and hobbies and all sorts of shared and not shared interests. We didn’t stop our entire lives to just hang out with each other every day. Our friends are similar to us so we have plenty of people to socialise with in various configurations. Neither of us are interested in cheating - and if we were, we could do it without much effort as we both work full time and he works away regularly so we’d both have plenty of opportunity if we were interested. Sounds exhausting personally!

In this particular situation I can’t see what the OP could do as she’s done similar anyway.