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Original poster

Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

335 replies

Freelll · 17/02/2025 21:44

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
Nonrienderien · 19/02/2025 13:47

PurpleThistle7 · 19/02/2025 13:05

I don't have an open relationship, don't 'shag around' and still manage to have friendships with the same and opposite sex - as does my husband. This can include any number of fun activities including trips away.

Of course every relationship gets to make up their own rules but it would need a discussion and an agreement. I'd personally feel very under valued in a relationship if my husband couldn't trust me not to cheat just because I fly somewhere with a friend. Am genuinely amazed at the responses, it's interesting to see! Going to go talk to my friends now to see if I'm just the outlier

It has absolutely nothing to do with sex or insecurity. It's everything to do with respect & boundaries where I would suspect the majority of women have no desire to wave their husbands off on holiday with another woman.

My DH & I have a mutual female friend we have both known since teenagers. She is now single. I can't imagine saying to my DH "I hope you (& this friend) have a wonderful time together on holiday, see you when you return" We respect each other's boundaries so that would be a step too far In the friendship. If it works for you that's nobody else's business but again I think it would happen within a small minority of marriages.

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/02/2025 13:52

PurpleThistle7 · 19/02/2025 13:05

I don't have an open relationship, don't 'shag around' and still manage to have friendships with the same and opposite sex - as does my husband. This can include any number of fun activities including trips away.

Of course every relationship gets to make up their own rules but it would need a discussion and an agreement. I'd personally feel very under valued in a relationship if my husband couldn't trust me not to cheat just because I fly somewhere with a friend. Am genuinely amazed at the responses, it's interesting to see! Going to go talk to my friends now to see if I'm just the outlier

Same here. I’d feel like there was no trust in the marriage and I’d also feel incredibly controlled.

Nonrienderien · 19/02/2025 17:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/02/2025 13:52

Same here. I’d feel like there was no trust in the marriage and I’d also feel incredibly controlled.

Show quote history

It's interesting how in marriage where opposite sex friends are concerned the same scenarios can promote different feelings in people. I wouldn't feel in the least bit contolled. On the contrary I would hate my husband to not care about me going off on holiday with a male friend, despite trusting each other implicitly. If his attitude was indifferent to me mixing & holidaying with a male friend it would make me feel as if I could do as I pleased within the marriage almost like he didn't care enough to question my desire to have male friends. As it is neither of us would consider being overly involved with a member of the opposite sex unless it was an unavoidable work related situation. It's interesting to read the opposite views.

MsDogLady · 19/02/2025 17:53

What are you thinking about it all now, @Freelll?

Lollylucyclark101 · 19/02/2025 17:59

Freelll · 17/02/2025 21:44

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

I will never understand why people try to live separate lives when they are married and have a family.

you shouldn’t be going on holiday with male friends without your husband and he shouldn’t be going on holiday with female friends without you, his wife.

for me, there is absolutely no need for this happen in any scenario.

I would be voicing that I’m not comfortable, and making it clear that “single” holidays unless it’s same sex are now a boundary for the relationship.

Either go with or he stays.

DeadSpace3 · 19/02/2025 18:05

Greenfencebrowntree · 17/02/2025 22:46

I would guess it's because if anyone has an ulterior motive in such a holiday, it will usually be the man.
Her husband "only" had to worry whether she would accept the potential advances of another man - she now has to worry whether he's going to be the one making advances.

Show quote history

Seriously? 🙄

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:09

I am assuming you would be fine of he was travelling with a man?

Just go with them.

You are correct you will seem like a hypocrite if you ask him not to go. Are you worried something will happen.

Horses7 · 19/02/2025 18:09

i would be very unhappy in fact very, very unhappy.

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:10

Lollylucyclark101 · 19/02/2025 17:59

I will never understand why people try to live separate lives when they are married and have a family.

you shouldn’t be going on holiday with male friends without your husband and he shouldn’t be going on holiday with female friends without you, his wife.

for me, there is absolutely no need for this happen in any scenario.

I would be voicing that I’m not comfortable, and making it clear that “single” holidays unless it’s same sex are now a boundary for the relationship.

Either go with or he stays.

Show quote history

Why are separate holidays ok if same sex but not when opposite sex?

Why is it “acting as if you are single” when it is an opposite sex holiday but not when it is a same sex holiday?

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:11

Nonrienderien · 19/02/2025 17:37

It's interesting how in marriage where opposite sex friends are concerned the same scenarios can promote different feelings in people. I wouldn't feel in the least bit contolled. On the contrary I would hate my husband to not care about me going off on holiday with a male friend, despite trusting each other implicitly. If his attitude was indifferent to me mixing & holidaying with a male friend it would make me feel as if I could do as I pleased within the marriage almost like he didn't care enough to question my desire to have male friends. As it is neither of us would consider being overly involved with a member of the opposite sex unless it was an unavoidable work related situation. It's interesting to read the opposite views.

Show quote history

But why? Why do you view opposite sex friendships as different to same sex friendships?

Kitchensinktoday · 19/02/2025 18:11

I will never understand why people try to live separate lives when they are married and have a family.
you shouldn’t be going on holiday with male friends without your husband and he shouldn’t be going on holiday with female friends without you, his wife.
for me, there is absolutely no need for this happen in any scenario.

Totally agree. We don’t have children but I wouldn’t expect either of us to holiday as per the scenario in this post

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:12

Nonrienderien · 19/02/2025 13:47

It has absolutely nothing to do with sex or insecurity. It's everything to do with respect & boundaries where I would suspect the majority of women have no desire to wave their husbands off on holiday with another woman.

My DH & I have a mutual female friend we have both known since teenagers. She is now single. I can't imagine saying to my DH "I hope you (& this friend) have a wonderful time together on holiday, see you when you return" We respect each other's boundaries so that would be a step too far In the friendship. If it works for you that's nobody else's business but again I think it would happen within a small minority of marriages.

Edited
Show quote history

But OP has been on holiday with male friends despite her husband objecting.

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:13

I guess this all boils down to toxic aspects of monogamy culture and how weird so many people get around opposite sex friendships.

I wonder how this works with same sex couples. Are same sex friendships prohibited?

Lollylucyclark101 · 19/02/2025 18:23

JHound · 19/02/2025 18:10

Why are separate holidays ok if same sex but not when opposite sex?

Why is it “acting as if you are single” when it is an opposite sex holiday but not when it is a same sex holiday?

Show quote history

Because you’re unlikely to have sex, get a crush, flirt or kiss someone of the opposite sex that you’re on holiday with.

going on a stag or hen is the type of holiday I was referring too. Not sure why anyone would go on holiday with “friends” when you’re married.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 19/02/2025 18:27

OP this…
“because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time”

You did it, now you expect him not to?
I’d say the chickens have come home to roost and what good for the goose is good for the gander.
You can’t go on holiday with male friends then object when he goes with a female friend, you’re a hypocrite.

midmum · 19/02/2025 18:39

I have been away with male friends to football games on many occasions. When married my husband didn’t object but one of the men’s wives did. She accompanied us on one trip and it was awful, she spoilt the whole weekend drinking heavily, arguing with her partner and sulking. Upshot was they nearly split up but she has never come since. There’s nothing wrong with platonic relationships and as you’ve been away with male friends it seems a bit rich you objecting. Is there something about this particular female you don’t like.

Hmm1234 · 19/02/2025 18:39

I don’t think you have a say since you’ve been on ‘holiday with male friends’ in the past. He is probably playing a game with you

Kitchensinktoday · 19/02/2025 18:39

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 19/02/2025 18:27

OP this…
“because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time”

You did it, now you expect him not to?
I’d say the chickens have come home to roost and what good for the goose is good for the gander.
You can’t go on holiday with male friends then object when he goes with a female friend, you’re a hypocrite.

Sadly this is true, what’s good for the goose etc. As much as I don’t agree with this type of holiday, the OP has lost the moral high ground.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/02/2025 18:41

Hufflemuff · 17/02/2025 22:12

You have too much money. Letting the kids just decide to go with the father, when it's all booked and paid for... wtf??

This OP! @Freelll

letslaughitoff · 19/02/2025 18:46

Now you know how he felt when you done it op.

RetirementIsGreat · 19/02/2025 18:49

Delete

Sunnyside4 · 19/02/2025 18:54

As I've got older, I'm all for the comment, if you can't beat them join them. I'm more thinking, why can't you go with them? Give the sport ago, and if you know it's really not for you, go shopping/visit local attractions on your own and all of you catch up together in the evening.

Picklelily99 · 19/02/2025 18:55

When you say you've been on holiday with male friends before, was it singular or plural? If it's a big bunch of you going off to rugby or similar, that's one thing, but for your husband to travel SOLELY with this woman could be asking for trouble. adjacent hotel rooms, cosy meals, alcohol, it would be easy to overstep the boundaries.

Laurmolonlabe · 19/02/2025 19:02

Very tricky . as the trip is paid for , and you have never objected in the past.
You also can't object because you have gone on holiday with male friends.
It would be directly be telling DH you don't trust him, but you still expect him to trust you- not really tenable.
All you can do is go with them- despite not liking basketball- it will still look as if you are suspicious, but there is no way around that.

JHound · 19/02/2025 19:04

Lollylucyclark101 · 19/02/2025 18:23

Because you’re unlikely to have sex, get a crush, flirt or kiss someone of the opposite sex that you’re on holiday with.

going on a stag or hen is the type of holiday I was referring too. Not sure why anyone would go on holiday with “friends” when you’re married.

Show quote history

Why are people more likely to have sex with opposite sex friends than same sex friends?

Why the assumption people will develop crushes on friends just because they are the opposite sex?

But I still don’t get why it’s “acting like you are single” if travelling with opposite sex friends vs. same sex friends?