Being naked in front of DP/DH

[SnowflakeSmasher86]

Are you comfortable being visibly naked in front of your partner? Would you be ok with the lights on/daylight etc and walk around with nothing on?

Or would you have a towel/underwear/a sheet over you?

i’m not bothered about my wobbly bits on a daily basis, and felt just the same way when I was several stone lighter, so I don’t see it as a body image thing as such, I juat wouldn’t walk around naked in front of him. He thinks this says something fundamental about our relationship.

YABU - I think its normal to feel 100% at ease walking about naked in front of my DP/DH

YANBU - I’d rather keep some things undercover and feel self conscious naked standing up and walking about the bedroom/house.

Yes, I’ve asked but it’s always “ I didn’t meeeeean it like that” or “I don’t know why I said it” or “it was meant to be funny”

looking back I think it was part entitlement (he felt cheated my body changed by having his children) and part negging. Trying to keep me small and insecure.

I'm 48 and met my boyfriend 3 years ago. He's 6 years younger than me. I have no issues being naked in front of him and having sex with the light on. We shower together as often as possible and sleep naked. It was him who bought pyjamas when we first started dating as he wasn't sure I'd want to see him naked.

Exactly. This made me so sad. @Motorflight I hope you know that your self worth is not defined by what your husband thinks of your body or indeed what you think of it. Our bodies are just the shell’s that carry our souls, and I am sure yours is absolutely beautiful 💐💐

He has been actively involved in all my births and seen the full reality so being naked isn't an issue in our relationship

Yep.

I'm aware I've posted quite a lot here and on someone else's thread! I think the reason is that I've hit a bit of a fork in the road with my partner.

His comments probably haven't been as bad as I've heard before but still 'jokes' have been made at my expense and suggestions have been made regarding my body/how attractive I am. He has never once spoken unfavourably about another woman. He's not a man who criticises women generally.

I've tried to focus on the good stuff and accept that he loves me but the bottom line is that he's just one more in a very long line of men who has made 'jokes' about my appearance, suggestions on how I could be more attractive or 'sexier' and not in a "I love it when you wear X" way but in a "Why don't you dress up like <insert specific woman> for me?" way.

No matter how much I try to ignore it, its always there.

No matter how much I try to self talk and rationalise myself out of it, I keep coming back to the same questions.

Why say those things if he didn't mean them?

Why deliberately destroy the safety I felt with him and my trust in him?

What did he expect the outcome to be?

Why not just end it if he didn't find me attractive?

They are generally variations on a common theme.

Yes. I think they have intentionally set out to knock my confidence down. Or perceive me to be confident enough to be able to take the joke?

Or they genuinely think I should be 'sexier'.
Or they're resentful they can't attract the sort of woman they think they should have

Or they just really don't like me very much.

@AnAltogetherDifferentSortOfThing i really appreciate all your posts so don’t worry about that. I’m reluctant to post too many more specific details about my situation as I’m aware that he’s had a bit of a bashing from some posters (also appreciated as clearly I’m not happy with these comments) but I don’t want it to turn into a LTB situation. Hearing you say how often you’ve had these comments is just one of the reasons I don’t want to start again with someone else! I do truly believe my DP didn't mean to be insulting, so I just want a better idea of the balance of attitudes to know if IABU

I’m the same, I actually avoid DH seeing me naked simply because I feel he would be criticising how I look even if he says nothing- he’s addicted to porn so I imagine he’s constantly making comparisons.
The addiction killed my libido years ago.

Would you say the comment refers to your body or your clothes?

(Obviously only answer if you feel comfortable to.)

That's a good question.

Both.

The clothes suggestions are mainly inappropriate for my age, I suppose. Or because they've seen them on someone else and are comparing me to them. So, not said in a that's a nice item of clothing she's wearing, I bet it would suit you. But she looks really good, you should dress like that when it would be completely inappropriate for my body shape and I'd look awful in it. And it's sexualised clothing that I might have worn in my 20s but not my 50s. So more "You'd be more attractive if you dressed like her because she looks attractive/sexy and you don't.".

Or directly saying I'd look better if I lost weight when I'm a size 10 and quite happy with the way i look and i wasnt seeking an opinion.

Or asking if I don't wear X because I'm a 'weird' shape.

Or telling me I have sturdy thighs and I'm built like a farm girl when I knew their ex who was really petite.

It's hard to narrow it down.

It's not even the specific comments as much as the fact that it would be really nice to just feel like someone thinks I'm good enough as I am without trying to change or 'improve' me.

It was finding my H was accessing ‘teen’ porn that completely finished me mentally. He was looking at physical versions of ‘me’ when we met and before three kids. I can never be a teenager again, or have a teenaged body so I will always feel old and hideous now.

I’m pretty sure I have PTSD from it. I literally had some kind of breakdown at the time. It was a long time ago I caught him doing this but I think of it most days. I nearly went and had multiple plastic surgeries afterwards to cut off my stretch marks but I was a size 6 (I went into an eating disorder spiral) and didn’t have a proper flap of extra skin there so it would have still left a lot of my stretch marks there above the scar. I also wanted an uplift to make my boobs ‘perky’ again, but as they are small the surgeon said I should have implants, but my H isn’t into big boobs, just tiny perky ones, so it wouldn’t have made me feel better.

In the end I decided this was not a message I wanted to give to my children. I didn’t want them to think a woman’s perfectly functioning body should be mutilated to satisfy the male gaze, even if that’s how I feel about myself.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Sounds really tough xxx

Also I read another thread on here about a child seeing their mum with arrows and lines all over her and being distressed scrubbing them off. I immediately thought of my surgical consult and coming home all covered in sharpie and sobbing my heart out scrubbing them off feeling so ashamed of myself and my disgusting saggy body.

My H said he never realised I wanted the surgery because of what he did and the things he had said but how could he not know? I was literally mental for months directly after finding his porn trail on our computer. Anyone I tried to talk to about it minimised and said “that’s what men do, it’s normal” even a counsellor I sought help from.

I think men don’t realise how their ill thought out comments can really deeply affect some of us. I wish I knew why they feel the need to say these things.

It’s obvious why they’re doing it. If they’re criticising your body, they’re doing it to make you feel like shit. Of course they know the effect it has on you. Men who make comments like that want you to feel insecure. It’s no mystery.

For the ones who have had partners make negative comments, I'm seriously starting to believe that the shame you feel and the hiding is your body literally trying to scream out to you that these men are not safe partners and for some reason you interpret that message as there is something wrong with you or your body, and thus you are not attractive enough.

You are betraying yourselves for men that are not worth that much.
I would rather not have a man than have one who makes me feel anything less than beautiful.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are all beautiful and your bodies should be worshiped by the men in your lives. I truly hope you can see that one day and realise you deserve so much better.

It's not too late to leave him.
It's not normal. His porn interests are disgusting and not at all a reflection of something missing in your or wrong with you.
That counsellor was shit and completely failed you.

Thank you for this post. I will have to think about how much of this would be an issue with anyone else and how much is coming from his ‘well meaning concern” and factual bluntness.

One thing I do know is that I wouldn’t feel any better if I lost weight as I met my previous DP when I had lost a lot of weight and he dumped me the day after he saw me naked. We ended up back together for several years and his take on it was that he hadn’t expected to meet someone ‘real’ and had freaked out. It wasn’t until many years later it became clear that by ‘real’ he’d meant physically flawed. My shrivelled boobs and wrinkly tummy were not on his must haves list! Aa I put on weight he seemed more attracted to me so i didn’t feel judged in the later years, but I’d forgotten about that part until now, wondering if losing weight would help my confidence and realising that it wouldn’t.

I’m completely comfortable being naked in front of DH as is he in front of me, and over 40 yrs together. However I’ve always taken care of my body with a balanced diet, I’m slim, well toned from regular exercise and my skin is good from years of moisturising and protecting it from the sun. I’m not sure how I would feel if I was overweight tbh.
My DH hasn’t taken the same care of himself but I love every single swishy bit of him, his size is irrelevant. We both sleep naked, he’s lovely to snuggle up to and I wouldn’t want him any other way 🥰
I would think there’s a lot of men out there equally as happy with their DW/DP squishy bits ❤️ and would love there partners to be less shy about their bodies.

I've lost 3 stone but still obese. Never bothered me. He just focuses on my boobs I think. Men are fairly simple beasts.

Is he not Neuro typical? Or does he have maybe additional needs/ I’m assuming there is a back story here if you feel he doesn’t mean to be insulting,, as obviously for anyone without additional needs or nt, then yes that’s the intent.

or is there a part of you that wishes to believe he’s not being insulting so you can continue to stay with him and take it?

Oh I think they do. They know exactly what impact it will have. It’ll keep us broken and small and compliant.

I certainly do not live under a bridge and you can explain yourself till the cows come home, but I stand by my view - being stark naked in front of the DC is weird and traumatising for them. Those bits are called private parts for a reason!

Christ I could've written this. My partner would love me to put on weight but I couldn't bear it. I'm a size 4 currently and around 46kg. It's too big in my head but I'm managing that.

I still walk around naked constantly

I would bet money that he’s autistic, yes. His DS is diagnosed (non-mainstream school) and DP has some MH issues, and displays many signs of being ND, so I have made allowances for the bluntness etc. But that’s not to say I’m ok with him continuing to say things that bother me. The black and white thinking of “if a is true, then that must mean xyz” is at the heart of this, so I guess I just wanted other opinions about the naked thing - does it mean something is fundamentally wrong or missing if you don’t feel comfortable being naked with your DP - and it seems 2/3 people agree with him!